Does The Code even exist anymore? Okay, did it ever?

I’ve committed to the “code” since junior high. You know the one.  If your friend likes or dates a guy, he’s forever stricken from the okay to date category.  I’ve wondered over the years though, if perhaps I took this “code” too much to heart?  It started in the seventh grade when coincidentally every boy I developed a crush on, my “BFF” suddenly liked him too.  It was so weird!!  I’d start chatting with some boy in a class, start to think he was cute or funny or whatever, tell my best friend (because that’s what you do) and lo and behold… within 24 hours, my BFF would have this “dilemma”.  Gosh Kay, I’ve been meaning to tell you for a few days now that I like so-and-so.

Ahhhhh well crap….  He’s off the list.  Can’t crush on him…must avoid all flirtation.  This crazy coincidence started to get a little suspicious about our junior year of high school.  It was just too BIZARRE…every single guy I even thought about liking, my BFF always confessed she’d been crushing on him since the day or two before me!!!  Uncanny for all those years, huh?! There were two crushes in four years whom “M” (my BFF) hadn’t crushed on just before me.  One went to a different school than we and “M” had never met him and the other always called “M” a fat cow or something equally as mean or harsh.  In fact those two actually had a physical altercation once; they hated each other so much!  I had to play referee so many times between these two and always felt guilty that he was so mean to my BFF, but shamefully happy that finally I liked someone my BFF didn’t like first. 

This chronic coincidence just flabbergasted me for years!  I had suspicions, but always denied them.  Until I moved out of state my senior year and less than a month later, my BFF was dating the guy I had dated…the one whom she had fought with all the time.

Okay, yeah….so it takes me awhile sometimes to see the writing on the wall.  In hindsight I realize this was a fun game for my BFF.  It simply raised the stakes and created a bigger challenge for her in the crush department to coincidentally like the same guy as I.

This has been a repetitive occurrence in my life in one way or another and over the many, many years of betrayals and coincidences, I realize that I just might be the only female I know living by the unofficial credo of friendship…but, it’s never been a huge choice for me.  Friends always come first; guys were a dime a dozen.  Ohhhh…you kinda like that one?  Ohh and that other one flirted with you last month?  Ahh geesh…okay, I’m out then.  I see no need to compete with friends for guys.  Okay honey, you have him….and I’m on to something or someone else.  No big.  There is no competition because I refuse to engage.  In fact, I usually start looking around for a lovely silver platter to hand whatever guy over to them.

Ahhh the stories I could tell!  However, there’s really only one of these experiences which is pertinent at the moment.

I’ve been friends with “Jane” for about seven years or so now.  We go back and forth between inseparable for a bit to just lunch once a week depending on our life happenings at any given time.  Jane is totally different from me and I’m okay with that.  Jane is a major partier and has looser standards sexually than I tend toward, but I’ve kinda thought these differences made our friendship work even better.  We sound things off to each other and get entirely different perspectives.  I like to think that she pulls me a little more to the spontaneous and crazy side and maybe I pull her somewhat to the more responsible side….a nice balance for the most part.

The only real challenge here is that since I’ve become friends with Jane, it’s become increasingly difficult to meet any male (or female) with whom Jane has not had sexual relations. Two major episodes:

I meet cute military guy four years ago.  I was undecided about anything big with him, but I liked him and was at least interested in seeing where I might want it to go.  I wasn’t blabbing about him to my friends because I wasn’t sure if I wanted as much of a commitment as MG expressed he wanted. We had been seeing each other for only a month or so when he returned to his base in Kansas City. …Commence the chronic texting and phone calls.  I was enjoying this and starting to like him more and more.  After he left for base, Military guy would get frustrated when I was out with friends and my phone would die.  So one night in the midst of a huge texting session with MG while I was out with Jane, I say, Hey, put this number in your phone so that when my phone dies, MG won’t get mad at me that I just suddenly disappeared and stopped texting.  She says, Oh, I have that number already.  And knowing Jane as I do, I immediately knew exactly what she meant.  I was a little bummed, but waited till the next day to ask MG about this… Yeah, she and MG had had a sexual fling a few years back which had lasted a week or two.  Well, given that my interest in MG was only slightly above mild at this point, I decided to end it.  MG was pissed and hates me to this day for this but whatever…  It just feels too awkward for me to date a guy my friend has been intimate with and holds the number in her phone as a booty call.  Not interested.  No thanks.

Three years ago, I ran into a guy whom I’d met years ago on the beach.  We had been beach buddies years earlier but never super close otherwise.  So I run into him randomly after it had been a while.  He asks me out to dinner and I agree to go and over the next few months, we started actually dating. One night I couldn’t go to a concert with him because I had plans with Jane. He says, Ahh, I know Jane!  Yeah, of course you do. Ohhh shit…  I ask him about the nature of their association.  He’s very blunt in that they had gone to dinner once seven years earlier, had a nice time, but neither was romantically interested in the other (they just hadn’t “clicked) so they had decided not to go out again, but to be friends…and not with sexual benefits…just friends. Well more like acquaintances since they didn’t really hang out together, but just would chat if they ran into each other.

Soon after this conversation,  I tell Jane that I’ve been seeing him and that I might actually like him.  This is critical to say to her at this point because since Love of My Life Guy and I had split, I really hadn’t even entertainedmuch thought of developing anything truly serious with anyone.  I rarely even could agree to go on a date with anyone for quite some time after the split.  Jane knew all about this and how I had struggled to meet anyone I liked enough to seriously date and consider committing to since that horrific experience.  Thus, it was important that I actually tell Jane where I stood about this guy. And she’s all, That’s great!  He’s such a nice guy Kay!  I’m so glad to see you giving someone a chance finally…etc, etc, etc…

So it got a little weird when she started calling me from the deck of his beach house and inviting me over to “join them” for cookouts and whatnot.  I was totally thrown!  What is going on?  I’m actually dating him and this feels awkward.  She’s inviting ME over to MY boyfriend’s house?  And, why is she over there without me anyway?  No one mentioned a cookout to me!?  They’ve known each other over seven years and never hung out at his house!  Why would they now that I’m dating him?  After the third of these “invites”, I couldn’t shake the weirdness.  Jane’s a pretty woman and I just guessed that somehow maybe being mutual friends with me had reconnected them and he had decided he actually was interested in her… and obviously more than me…

This one bummed me out a little more than Military Guy, but hey, this is my friend…whatever…  If he likes her and vice-versa, then I’m out.  I just stopped taking Beach Guy’s calls because it all seemed too creepy.  I temporarily distanced myself from Jane too because I was a little hurt over this, but we remained friends and I just never said anything about any of it to her…or him.  C’est la vie.  Bygones.

A year ago, I randomly run into Beach Guy who interrogates me as to why I blew him off.  I’m honest and say, Jane was hanging out at your house a lot inviting me over and it felt weird so I accepted that you changed your mind and decided you wanted to date her.  I wasn’t going to make a big fuss.  She’s my friend, you’re a great guy…I want both of you to find happiness.  It’s all good. And he looks bewildered….  He says, WHAT?!  Kay, I really liked you…I thought we had something pretty cool going and you just blew me off completely.  After the first time you brought Jane over with you, she just started showing up at my house with groceries wanting to cook out.  I would assume you must be meeting her here or something..it was just so weird..and when I’d ask her where’s Kay, she’d always say, Let’s call her and invite her over.

I might sound stupid and that could be accurate, but after much discussion, Beach Guy and I figured out that this wasn’t a very nice thing Jane did to me…and ultimately to him either.  I believe that BG had no clue what the hell kind of game Jane was playing.  He was trying to be gracious to her because she was my friend.  By the time he figured out what was probably going on, I had stopped taking his calls and he thought I just wasn’t interested in him anymore. 

This kinda sucked and I began questioning Jane’s friendship and perhaps even the ability of a totally promiscuous kinda chick like her even being capable of real friendship with another girl. Around this time, Jane had kinda disappeared from my life anyway, so nothing needed to be addressed; I just let it go.

When Jane shows back in my life, she’s all excited that she’s been dating some really young guy and it’s getting serious!  That’s why she’d stayed away for so long…totally preoccupied with this new young guy…and she talked at length about how young he was, as if that in itself was some medal of honor or achievement.  I was so excited for her! He sounds like a terrific guy and maybe just what she needed to settle it down a little.  I met him soon after and realized he really WAS a terrific guy.  I was very happy for them both when they got engaged and moved in together.

She didn’t stop her sexual roll though.  That continued and she’d brag to me about how he would always forgive her.  She just had to tell him how drunk she was when the indiscretions occurred and he’d let it go.  I was sad for him, but happy for her that he was such a passive forgiving guy…perfect for her…just the kind she needed!

I felt more and more badly for him though as I witnessed personally how often she got drunk and messed around on him….with his friends, with strangers, with ex-lovers…started to seem like anyone would do to cheat on this innocent, nice guy. But, hell, if he was okay with that, who was I to think it was sad or wrong?  Anyway,  I wasn’t totally surprised when a few weeks after I moved to Vegas, she called to tell me she was breaking up with him because she wasn’t going to stop the cheating… Ohhhh AND she’d met an even younger guy and they were having some serious fun.  She and her ex-fiancé Jay would remain friends though. Awwww…how absolutely delightful for him!  Poor guy…

Then, a week after I returned to Michigan, I invited Jane over one evening late.  I had a guy friend here with me.  I’d known this guy for years, but we’d never dated or had anything together…  I did have a little crush on him.  I’d never told him or anyone about that though.  Jane drags ex-fiance  Jay over with her and we’re all hanging out.  Jane’s flirting outrageously with my guy friend and he is with her too.  It’s late and Jay just goes to bed in the guest room.  I pull Jane aside and say, Hey, I don’t think it’s very cool to do that to Jay and besides, I might sorta like this other guy.  Could you please not be with him?

Yeah, I verbatim said, “Could you please not be with him?”  Oh of course she won’t!  He’s “way too old for her anyway”, she says.  …FYI, he happens to be exactly our age…

To sum up this long as hell story, guess what?  Yeah….I’m sure you see where this situation went!  Jane can’t help herself….and after leaving them alone briefly, I return and yeah, it’s “on” for them.

Ohmyeffingawd… I had just freakin’ had it with this crap!  I told jerk-ball to leave and I was just mad, mad, mad at Jane!  Jay hears the commotion and comes out.  He’s not an idiot.  He gets it of course.  He knows exactly what happened.  He may be way younger than I, but he clearly “’gets” this kinda thing far more quickly than I.  It’s pretty much just a sad and unfortunate scene for all three of us…for different reasons…

So…Saturday night I get together with a group of friends for cards.  Jay is one of them.  I’m so glad he and I might become friends.  He’s just fun and a really terrific person!  We have a great time and he ends up crashing over here on the sofa with me.  Nothing happened!!

The next day after he leaves,  we are texting funny stuff back and forth..both tired and silly after too much fun the night before.  Then, I get this text from him that says, okay, I’m going to get a little weird on you here, but last night when we were curled up on the sofa, I really wanted to kiss you. I didn’t though because we had both been drinking.

OMG…I truly did NOT know what to say!!!  My mind is racing and I’m just speechless.  While I’m thinking through this, Jay sends a few more apology texts:  “Sorry, told you I was going to get weird”, “Sorry, I’m probably still just drunk”, “Sorry I’m a retard who can’t text properly right now”, “Sorry, I really just had to get that off my chest”…

And I’m thinking, OMGOMGOMG….I’d never thought about anything like this before.  I mean, sure he’s sexy and smart…and funny…and all around the kind of guy I’d normally really like…but…but…OMG?!!?!!

So, I text him back with my conscience debating and my heart racing,  Please don’t say you’re sorry.  I kinda wish you had kissed me.  And he responds, Oh good!!!…that long pause scared me!!  But my phone is dying and I’m having drinks with friends so we’ll talk about this later.

Jay and I haven’t discussed this yet.  I really don’t know how I feel about this.  From married guys to my friends’ ex??  It’s just a  mess.  What the hell is the matter with me?!!  I honestly don’t know if I think this would be wrong or not and that in itself scares the hell out of me!!  Is life throwing me these constant curve balls for some freakin’ reason?  Is this all random?  Are these life tests? Character tests??  WTF?!???   Umm…I think I’d better get back to the “safety” of that whole online thing and I’ll be damned if that’s not a contradiction in terms!

I don’t know what’s going to happen here with this recent sitch.  Is it ever okay to break the code?  Am I running through previous history with Jane just to convince myself this might not be totally wrong to do…just in case…?  Anyway, maybe Jay was just drunk and didn’t even know what the hell he was talking about?  Maybe it was just a random spontaneous meaningless notion that will disappear as quickly as it came to him?  No clue.  I am reminded reg ularly though that life has a twisted sense of humor.  AND, I’m beginning to realize too that if this is all just a life test, I just might be running out of the right answers!

My Darling Douche Bag…

Dear ex-for-a-reason-jackass,

Listen here douche bag my friend…  I left you ten years ago because you were an emotionally abusive, callous, self-consumed, cheating ass.  Although we have become friends over the years since that horrifying time, I’ve hardly forgotten who and what you once were both to me, and in general as well.

I recognize your control issues.  It doesn’t take a PhD in psychology to see them; hell, the sales clerks at your over-priced clothing stores probably have you tagged “the pompous ass”.  I’m sorry that you’re so insecure that you have to control every freakin element of your life and everyone else’s.  That must suck at a level of exhausting which makes me need a nap just thinking about it.  However, WE are not your employees.  WE are the mother of your children and your daughters.

We are not married.  In case you don’t recall correctly, that doesn’t bother me….in fact, I chose it.   TWICE.  I’m proud of you…really, I was am.  Your perfectionism in your career has led you to be as successful as you once dreamed so long ago in that college town where we met.  I’m delighted for you and I love that you’ve accomplished so much.  This has lead to a sense of financial security for our broken/dysfunctional divorced family that I’m ever so grateful to you for.  However, please remember that while you were living the wild single life, free to pursue your every career whim or goal, I was working 24/7/365 at raising our children…alone.  Therefore, my success might seem meager and lacking in your corporate world of materialism, BUT it DOES make me above and beyond you the “expert” in parenting compared to your Disney Dad weekends and summer vacation parenting “experience”.

What I can’t understand is how such a monetarily generous human being can be so utterly and completely SELFISH and SELF CONSUMED?  Everything isn’t taken care of by money.  Yeah, thanks for leaving extra money on the table yesterday…the girls and I are going to a movie and out to dinner on you…and we appreciate that!  However, in as much as we appreciate it, money does not buy you an acceptable excuse for being a douche bag.  Money does not give you the right to eyeball me like a freaking steak you’ve just ordered –  mouth watering, and drool hanging off your lip…  I am not your peep-show anymore, nor your sex kitten, nor your emotional punching bag.  What I wear to clean the house is NONE of your BUSINESS. Hell, if I freakin want to clean my house NAKED, I will….maybe you need to just sit in the driveway and honk when you pick up the children.  In fact, would you? Please? 

I realize that you’ve not had to deal with physically seeing me so regularly (in sundresses, tank tops, bra-less, etc, etc, etc). since I left you so long ago, And I’m really trying to understand how challenging that might be for you.  Really, I am…  No.  You know what?  That’s a lie.  I’m not trying to understand how “hard” that it for you (no pun intended) because it’s just not MY problem.  It’s yours…same old problem as always.  And what skimpy get-up I wear to clean the house when it’s 115 freakin degrees outside is just NOT your BUSINESS, nor your CONCERN. No one even invited you IN the house…  And anyway, WHAT I WEAR has ZERO effect on the way our teenager dresses, you sexist ASS.  So, just shut your steak and mashed-potato hole…ok?  I don’t care how much money you leave on the table or deposit in my account or make a year.  I just don’t care.  You should know by now that material things don’t mean diddly squat to me.  You have no more rights than the bum sitting outside the liquor store (which I happen to frequent far more often now that we live in close proximity to YOU) to oogle me, criticize me, or comment on what I wear in PUBLIC, much less to clean my freakin house! 

I'm wearing this to clean next time...

Just shut it…just shut your too tiny for your face mouth already!  And don’t look at me with that tone of voice either. You lost that right to flap your lips or oogle your eyes in my direction years ago when I left our home with two children under the age of two.  Hear me?  LOST it….as in, NO LONGER have that right.

Our children are beautiful, well-adjusted, well mannered, intelligent, kind and compassionate souls.  They are most likely this way so much because YOU were so far away as I was raising them while you were busy making a success out of yourself in your career.  They stand up for themselves and don’t buckle to manipulation easily because they were raised by ME alone…and not in the home environment of our suppressing and spirit-murdering marriage.  They are individuals with their own fashion sense and a solid idea of right and wrong, as well as inherently beautiful hearts and morals, which DON’T include cheating, lying, controlling, or manipulation.  I left you, young, petrified, and with NOTHING so long ago because the choice between money, a husband, and marital status meant NOTHING to me when held up to the effect THAT kind of home life and poor example would have had on two little girls growing up watching the heinous and disrespectful way you treated their mother and women in general.  This was never a choice for me because I was not going to allow them to witness that debacle of a relationship and then grow up dating pompous, controlling, cheating, sexist assholes like you.  That was never going to happen and you really should have known my character well enough to know that it wasn’t going to.  And now… please understand that I did NOT raise two kids for ten years by myself, just to move here NOW so you could have a detrimental effect on their self-esteem during these critical and challenging years of their lives.  No.

If you choose to continue this manner of disrespect to me and continue to disrespect our daughters, their feelings, their struggles, their athletic abilities, what they wear, WHATEVER…I hope you will vividly recall just how it felt standing there watching us all walk out of your life and your world ten years ago… 

And remember those tears you had the day I agreed to move us here?  Well they weren’t nearly as painful or embarrassing as the one’s you’ll have when we leave if you don’t get your shit together and muster up a little respect and acceptance for all three of us.  Your wallet does NOT give you the right to criticize or hurt any one of us.

Don’t forget, I know exactly how to leave….I always know where the exits are and the emergency evacuation plan is folded up in my hand bag at all times.    I did it penniless, car-less, and devastated with two young children TEN years ago, so don’t you EVEN think for a moment that I can’t do it NOW…or that I wouldn’t. Oh, I will.  It will be inconvenient and difficult, yes…but that never stopped me before. And I’m not nearly the same pushover scaredy-cat spineless and innocent creature today that I was then…

How DID you snap this one???!

So pull your controlling, pompous head out of your ass and get over your sexual ideation of me that petrifies you that you might cheat on your girlfriend, whom I feel horribly sorry for by the way – I’m certain she has NO clue what exactly she’s in for with you yet, but that is thankfully, NOT my problem or concern any more either.  You won’t cheat on her or anyone with ME…I wouldn’t have it.  I don’t have any interest in you “that” way anymore.  NONE.  ZILCH.  ZERO.  Hell, at this point, I don’t even want to be your freakin friend anymore, much less your lover…secret or otherwise…ughh…  No. Ummm get over yourself.  Not every chick in a cute little skirt is wearing it merely because they want you, pal.  Trust me on that one.

You’ve been a surprisingly good father under the circumstances of the last ten years.  This is why I’ve given you my respect and ultimate consideration as a father and even as my ex-husband…and ultimately the only reason we agreed to move here at all.  You’ve earned that over the past ten years…so I suggest you be careful that you don’t lose it (again) now.  As you should know already from past experience, I won’t compromise what’s in the best interest of the life, health and livelihood of my daughters for ANY thing.  NOTHING is of value to me when it’s held up against that kind of damage to my children or their potential happiness in the future.  I’ve left and lost it ALL to preserve and protect that once, I WILL not hesitate to do it again, if I must.

I am shocked, disgusted, and disappointed in you to a level I’ve not reached in ten years.  YOUR adjustment to this is NOT all that matters….and certainly not what matters most here.  You gave up nothing for this and gained EVERY thing.  We gave up everything and so far have only gained the frustrating headache of dealing with a pompous, critical, controlling ass.

I will not hesitate to boil your noodle, throw my kids in the car, and haul our lives right back across the country if you don’t get a grip on this and SOON. 

get yourself a copy...

I really don’t want to have to slap you like a monkey…

 So, please and thank you already.

~K