My Darling Douche Bag…

Dear ex-for-a-reason-jackass,

Listen here douche bag my friend…  I left you ten years ago because you were an emotionally abusive, callous, self-consumed, cheating ass.  Although we have become friends over the years since that horrifying time, I’ve hardly forgotten who and what you once were both to me, and in general as well.

I recognize your control issues.  It doesn’t take a PhD in psychology to see them; hell, the sales clerks at your over-priced clothing stores probably have you tagged “the pompous ass”.  I’m sorry that you’re so insecure that you have to control every freakin element of your life and everyone else’s.  That must suck at a level of exhausting which makes me need a nap just thinking about it.  However, WE are not your employees.  WE are the mother of your children and your daughters.

We are not married.  In case you don’t recall correctly, that doesn’t bother me….in fact, I chose it.   TWICE.  I’m proud of you…really, I was am.  Your perfectionism in your career has led you to be as successful as you once dreamed so long ago in that college town where we met.  I’m delighted for you and I love that you’ve accomplished so much.  This has lead to a sense of financial security for our broken/dysfunctional divorced family that I’m ever so grateful to you for.  However, please remember that while you were living the wild single life, free to pursue your every career whim or goal, I was working 24/7/365 at raising our childrenalone.  Therefore, my success might seem meager and lacking in your corporate world of materialism, BUT it DOES make me above and beyond you the “expert” in parenting compared to your Disney Dad weekends and summer vacation parenting “experience”.

What I can’t understand is how such a monetarily generous human being can be so utterly and completely SELFISH and SELF CONSUMED?  Everything isn’t taken care of by money.  Yeah, thanks for leaving extra money on the table yesterday…the girls and I are going to a movie and out to dinner on you…and we appreciate that!  However, in as much as we appreciate it, money does not buy you an acceptable excuse for being a douche bag.  Money does not give you the right to eyeball me like a freaking steak you’ve just ordered –  mouth watering, and drool hanging off your lip…  I am not your peep-show anymore, nor your sex kitten, nor your emotional punching bag.  What I wear to clean the house is NONE of your BUSINESS. Hell, if I freakin want to clean my house NAKED, I will….maybe you need to just sit in the driveway and honk when you pick up the children.  In fact, would you? Please? 

I realize that you’ve not had to deal with physically seeing me so regularly (in sundresses, tank tops, bra-less, etc, etc, etc). since I left you so long ago, And I’m really trying to understand how challenging that might be for you.  Really, I am…  No.  You know what?  That’s a lie.  I’m not trying to understand how “hard” that it for you (no pun intended) because it’s just not MY problem.  It’s yours…same old problem as always.  And what skimpy get-up I wear to clean the house when it’s 115 freakin degrees outside is just NOT your BUSINESS, nor your CONCERN. No one even invited you IN the house…  And anyway, WHAT I WEAR has ZERO effect on the way our teenager dresses, you sexist ASS.  So, just shut your steak and mashed-potato hole…ok?  I don’t care how much money you leave on the table or deposit in my account or make a year.  I just don’t care.  You should know by now that material things don’t mean diddly squat to me.  You have no more rights than the bum sitting outside the liquor store (which I happen to frequent far more often now that we live in close proximity to YOU) to oogle me, criticize me, or comment on what I wear in PUBLIC, much less to clean my freakin house! 

I'm wearing this to clean next time...

Just shut it…just shut your too tiny for your face mouth already!  And don’t look at me with that tone of voice either. You lost that right to flap your lips or oogle your eyes in my direction years ago when I left our home with two children under the age of two.  Hear me?  LOST it….as in, NO LONGER have that right.

Our children are beautiful, well-adjusted, well mannered, intelligent, kind and compassionate souls.  They are most likely this way so much because YOU were so far away as I was raising them while you were busy making a success out of yourself in your career.  They stand up for themselves and don’t buckle to manipulation easily because they were raised by ME alone…and not in the home environment of our suppressing and spirit-murdering marriage.  They are individuals with their own fashion sense and a solid idea of right and wrong, as well as inherently beautiful hearts and morals, which DON’T include cheating, lying, controlling, or manipulation.  I left you, young, petrified, and with NOTHING so long ago because the choice between money, a husband, and marital status meant NOTHING to me when held up to the effect THAT kind of home life and poor example would have had on two little girls growing up watching the heinous and disrespectful way you treated their mother and women in general.  This was never a choice for me because I was not going to allow them to witness that debacle of a relationship and then grow up dating pompous, controlling, cheating, sexist assholes like you.  That was never going to happen and you really should have known my character well enough to know that it wasn’t going to.  And now… please understand that I did NOT raise two kids for ten years by myself, just to move here NOW so you could have a detrimental effect on their self-esteem during these critical and challenging years of their lives.  No.

If you choose to continue this manner of disrespect to me and continue to disrespect our daughters, their feelings, their struggles, their athletic abilities, what they wear, WHATEVER…I hope you will vividly recall just how it felt standing there watching us all walk out of your life and your world ten years ago… 

And remember those tears you had the day I agreed to move us here?  Well they weren’t nearly as painful or embarrassing as the one’s you’ll have when we leave if you don’t get your shit together and muster up a little respect and acceptance for all three of us.  Your wallet does NOT give you the right to criticize or hurt any one of us.

Don’t forget, I know exactly how to leave….I always know where the exits are and the emergency evacuation plan is folded up in my hand bag at all times.    I did it penniless, car-less, and devastated with two young children TEN years ago, so don’t you EVEN think for a moment that I can’t do it NOW…or that I wouldn’t. Oh, I will.  It will be inconvenient and difficult, yes…but that never stopped me before. And I’m not nearly the same pushover scaredy-cat spineless and innocent creature today that I was then…

How DID you snap this one???!

So pull your controlling, pompous head out of your ass and get over your sexual ideation of me that petrifies you that you might cheat on your girlfriend, whom I feel horribly sorry for by the way – I’m certain she has NO clue what exactly she’s in for with you yet, but that is thankfully, NOT my problem or concern any more either.  You won’t cheat on her or anyone with ME…I wouldn’t have it.  I don’t have any interest in you “that” way anymore.  NONE.  ZILCH.  ZERO.  Hell, at this point, I don’t even want to be your freakin friend anymore, much less your lover…secret or otherwise…ughh…  No. Ummm get over yourself.  Not every chick in a cute little skirt is wearing it merely because they want you, pal.  Trust me on that one.

You’ve been a surprisingly good father under the circumstances of the last ten years.  This is why I’ve given you my respect and ultimate consideration as a father and even as my ex-husband…and ultimately the only reason we agreed to move here at all.  You’ve earned that over the past ten years…so I suggest you be careful that you don’t lose it (again) now.  As you should know already from past experience, I won’t compromise what’s in the best interest of the life, health and livelihood of my daughters for ANY thing.  NOTHING is of value to me when it’s held up against that kind of damage to my children or their potential happiness in the future.  I’ve left and lost it ALL to preserve and protect that once, I WILL not hesitate to do it again, if I must.

I am shocked, disgusted, and disappointed in you to a level I’ve not reached in ten years.  YOUR adjustment to this is NOT all that matters….and certainly not what matters most here.  You gave up nothing for this and gained EVERY thing.  We gave up everything and so far have only gained the frustrating headache of dealing with a pompous, critical, controlling ass.

I will not hesitate to boil your noodle, throw my kids in the car, and haul our lives right back across the country if you don’t get a grip on this and SOON. 

get yourself a copy...

I really don’t want to have to slap you like a monkey…

 So, please and thank you already.

~K

14 responses to “My Darling Douche Bag…

  1. krikey! Sounds like your ex is a real great guy!

    • The challenging thing about it, is he actually *is* a great guy in some ways..it’s in there somewhere. These “issues” of his just seem to pop up unexpectedly and I’m realizing although i never forgot they were once there, it seems I *did* sorta push them back so far, I wasn’t taking them as seriously as I once did…feelin lately like I’ve been punched in the gut w/ this reality all over again and it pisses me off more so bc I’m not even MARRIED to him anymore… I don’t need this garbage right now..or ever again…and neither do my children!

  2. Wow. If you don’t feel better for getting all of that out, I don’t know what will make you feel better!

    Have you considered investing in a punching bag with his face on it?

  3. Perfectly stated. An open letter (or blog post) like this can be extremely therapeutic.

    • Thank you E! It WAS amazingly therapeutic..guess I had no idea how much I was sucking in until I actually started writing…hehe 🙂 It feels better already just knowing I got it out safely and received so much support..I truly didn’t expect that!!! …and that means so much to me right now:)

  4. Wherever that came from… GOOD ON YOU! – There is nothing worse than a contolling man and/or a cheque book control freak! – Major respect for allowing him to continue to be a big part in your children’s life (even scumbags have a right to be involved in their children’s lives), and although it is absoloutely none of my business, just so you know moving away will not resolve the problem – there are still telephones and email etc… Sure, he might not see you all so much, but if he is financially able, he will make the point of pursuing you no matter where you go!

    Just an opinion… Unfortunately, I see it every day in my ‘day job’!! – Whatever you have been doing thus far, just continue with the same formula… it clearly works! – J

    • Jeremy..THANK YOU!! You’re right..running away may not be the solution… he just didn’t behave this way when we lived so far away…he must not have felt as much *power* as he does having us close by and knowing that we know NO one for miles except him…ughh

  5. Brava!

    That was a phenomenal “letter” to the ex! Does he read your blog, cause I really think he should.

    It reminded me of my ex-douche bag, who was constantly complaining about how much he had to work to make a good living and how it impeded on his personal life (ie, relationship with me). BUT he was not willing to make any change, as he was all about the almighty dollar. He just bought a co-op earlier this year and he was freaking out about how much his net worth was on paper back in February. The coop board approval process really did a number on his ego (lol). Well, now the douche bag has to support an unplanned baby and new wife (who I don’t believe makes that much money to contribute to the household, something he really wanted). Knowing how much he is probably freaking out about this has me rolling on the floor hysterically laughing.

    I think I need to do one of these open letters. He knows exactly how I feel, I was not shy in telling him that. But there are some more things that I would like to just say.

    I hope your DB of an ex-husband realizes what an ass he is (but he probably won’t). I am so glad you did this because it sounds as though you needed to get it off your chest for your own sanity. Again, I applaud you for this!

    • Thank you IfuSeek!!! Yes, I desperately needed to get that OUT! Like your ex, I really don’t think he “gets it” though. It’s sad and frustrating that he doesn’t but seems to be the facts for now:( He doesn’t know about my blog…and it would probably just make him act worse if he did…especially if he knew how much it’s getting to me. I say nothing when he criticizes me and I was even wlling to just deal w/that…but watching my baby girl cry for hours over feeling “not good enough in daddy’s eyes” only a month into living here makes the TIGER in me come out. I’ve had several vivid visions of scratching his eyes out..but I’m trying to remain calm andrespectful and grateful for the ways he is so generous…I guess it could be so much worse…but that’s not making it any easier to deal w/ it all over again now through the eyes and heart of my children… 😦

  6. I really really really REALLY hope you said all that to him in some way shape or form. That was BRILLIANT! Seriously, he should hear it.

    • V…I did try to mention a few of these things to him in a more respectful and considerate manner… his response to me was,”I will not have you or ANYONE telling me how I can talk to my children!” OMG…my blood was boiling and he said that in *front* of the children, who I know rely on me to protect them from any kind of hurt…it’s a freakin mess…I hate feeling powerless to protect them and I’m not one to make idle threats, so I’m keeping my mouth shut 4 now and when/if we pack it all up and load the car, that is when he’ll know it ALL…and how serious I was. I’m praying it doesn’t come to that though…we’ve always had a great relationship since after the divorce and the thought of a three-peat just turns my stomach. Feels like I lost my best friend…and I feel ridiculously stupid for having let myself comfortably believe he had really learned his lesson…and believed enough to up-root three lives..GAWD my die-hard optimism is a CURSE!!

  7. Pingback: my dear john letter « adventures in babysitting…men

  8. It’s terrible enough that he treats you that way, but your children????!!!! Absolutely not acceptable. I’m so angry at him and I don’t even know him.

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