Tag Archives: spontaneous sex

Soul searching…and spinning…

I couldn’t keep my discretion to myself.  I told Twin what happened with my old friend.  Twin was clearly hurt and quietly upset, but handled it well.  I almost thought maybe I hadn’t needed to even tell him, such was his quiet demeanor.  He asked a few basic questions, Was that Thursday when I couldn’t reach you?  Was that pack of cigarettes I asked you about his?

All of which I answered honestly:  Yes, yes, yes….  I’m so sorry.  I really feel horrible.  I’m sick to my stomach.  You deserve much better. So on and so on.

And Twin kept saying, we don’t have to talk about this right now.  I would respond, I’ll lose my nerve if we don’t.  I just feel so dirty and ashamed.

I felt even more like trash when I texted my friend and told him how guilty I felt for what had happened and that I’d felt my boyfriend deserved to know.  And my friend responded, WHAT?!!!   I wasn’t aware you were still dating him.  You didn’t mention it so I assumed you weren’t seeing him anymore or I never would have gone so far. I was hoping to keep seeing you, I just wanted to take it slow because there are kids involved. I really like being with you, sexually and otherwise.  I always have.

I just responded it wasn’t his fault, I was sorry and that I really had some soul searching to do.

OMG….I just suck.  Now, I’ve hurt two people!  And I never intended to hurt anyone!!

The next day Twin asked if we could talk again.  He came over and was so kind and understanding.  So much so, I  just felt worse and worse.  He asked if it was a test; was I testing him?  Did I have feelings for this guy?

I don’t know, Twin.  I’ve been friends with him so long, of course I have feelings for him, but I have no clue exactly what they are.  I mean, I have feelings for you too.  I really care so much about you and I don’t understand how this happened.

Twin talked about how he was scared of his feelings for me after all that his ex-wife had done.  He talked of being in love with me and how difficult it was for him to have such strong feelings. He asked if maybe this was his fault because he wasn’t excessively demonstrative of his feelings for me.

NO!  That’s not it, Twin.  You’re wonderful to me!  And I didn’t want to hear any of this. I just didn’t know the appropriate response.

Then Twin wants to make out…or more… or whatever!  AHHH GEESH! NO, NO, NO!!  WTF?!  This seriously annoys me and my guilt just quadruples at my annoyance.  Ughhhh….I can’t escape this disastrous mess!

Twin and I fall asleep on my sofa.  I’m restless though and have weird dreams and I awake around 4 AM to him trying to kiss me again….OMFG….NOOOOOOOO!

I make excuses and grab my phone.  There’s a text message from late the evening before after I had fallen asleep.  It’s my friend and he has simply texted, I think you and I should be together!  Or at least give it a try.

Whoaaaaaaaaa….my head starts spinning…reeling even!  And Twin is right next to me, so I close the text and toss the phone aside, trying to mask my serious shock and mass confusion.

I really need Twin to leave.  My thoughts, my emotions were swirling around so fast I felt like the world was turning so fast.

I knew there has always been a huge chemistry between my friend and I, from the moment we were introduced, there was electricity.  We had gone on a few dates years ago even after we first met, but I was still carrying on with my ex-boyfriend (THE ex….the absolute one and only love of my life), so I was emotionally unavailable to the extreme.  Thus, it never went anywhere, except to create some friction between friend and I for a while.

And since then, I’ve just never thought of dating friend.  Yeah, the attraction is undeniable and perhaps I should have realized that once my vastly resilient bond to THE ex-boyfriend loosened, that this might happen.  I just wasn’t thinking…..obviously.  I mean clearly NOT thinking AT ALL.

GAWDDDD, what a mess I’ve made!

Kindly define “slut”, please? (emphasis on KINDLY)

I should wear this as a fair warning!

Oh the shame…  I am a POS for sure! What the FUCK is the matter with me? I freakin’ define the essence of a hypocrite!  Everything I believe in and hold dear as a moral conscientious way of life, I just defy as though it’s merely a challenge to see how far I can go to disgust myself.

Yuk.  I am yuk.

Twin is so terrific!  So kind to me.  So what I clearly don’t deserve.

I finally, after a great deal of asking, conceded to hang out with a guy I’m friends with, whom I did have sex with a few times long ago.  I really wanted to be friends with this guy, as we always have fun together…

Wait, maybe that’s just fun sex?  There was a point in time after I first met this guy that I thought perhaps I might actually be into him.  Into him as in like him, want something with him, etc., etc…

But I really don’t think I do.  I mean, I like some things “about” him.  I like that he is motivated and driven for self-improvement.  I like that he’s a dedicated father to his son. His looks are just a bit above okay; definitely not my kinda gorgeous, but appealing for sure.

I don’t like:  he is pretentious, talks of money constantly ( umm…a HUGE no-no from where I come from; one does not speak of money – it’s “trashy”): as in who has it, who doesn’t,  how much he hopes to make..  He’s a name-dropper (Oh GAWDDDD!).

WTF?

He kept saying, we have to hang out, Kay, when are you free Kay?, what are you doing this weekend Kay?  Want to meet up for happy hour Kay?

And I kept dodging it.  Why?  Because I know that I like having sex with him.  I know that he really likes having sex with me.  I know that I’m not so into sex with the Twin…and I get that this combination is simply a recipe for disaster under the circumstances.  No, he’s not the ex by far, but well, yeah, he’s a definite runner-up.

After months of dodging, I finally deceived myself into hanging out with him and submerging myself in the denial of I can keep it non-physical. However, disinterested in Twin I am physically, I’m not “that” girl.  I’m no cheater, scandalous vixen.  I’ve no desire to hurt Twin.  No desire to disrespect him or his kindness. No ability to tread on his heart like I’m incidentally squashing a bug under my shoe (which I ironically actually try to avoid in itself as well- literally).

No.  I am scum after all.  I cheated on Twin. I feel disgusted with myself.  And gosh, NOW how can I attempt a healthy sexual relationship with Twin??  With all this guilt and shame of cheating?

Did I cheat?  You know what sucks to me about relationships at this era in my life?  How do you know?  What are the boundaries of the unspoken?  It’s not like back in the younger years where you ask, Will you be my girlfriend (i.e., meaning will you not date anyone else?).  That doesn’t seem to be said outright.  It’s more of an unspoken thing, I think?

Because the only semi-conversation about this I’ve had with Twin was when my girlfriend’s buddy was hard core hitting on me one night when I wasn’t with Twin and she says to Twin a few days later, I think you’ve got some competition.  To which Twin replies, Kay’s a big girl.  She can make her own choices.

I don’t know what that means!  I like the non-possessive stance!  I like the implied trust (oh geesh, did I just say TRUST?) factor of that response.  I like the adult-like feeling of hey, yup, we are grown -ups now.  No one can force another to be faithful.  It’s always a choice. There is no sense in tantrum throwing insane jealousy behavior.  We are not chained.  It’s a choice we make to be together, to be faithful.

I really liked Twin’s response to this little gauntlet thrown by my friend.  Perfect response actually!

So, does this mean I owe Twin a confession of my spontaneous (yes my denial is still in there!) tryst with Mr. Pretentious?  What will Twin do?  Will he just say, Choice made dear…see ya…?  Will he just think, Hmm…so it’s all fair game now? YAY??!!  Will he say, Wow!  You’re just a nasty hateful tramp, huh?  F*$# off Kay! And if so, might that be for the best?

I don’t know.  I mean, I really don’t know!  I can only imagine it certainly won’t feel good for Twin. I’m positive it’s not going to give him that warm, loving, trusting (EEK…there it is again!) feeling…

I’m sure anyone who reads my blog or has gotten to know me somewhat through my confessions here might be disgusted with me after this.  I don’t blame you.

How dare I date?  How dare I try to presume the stance of being a nice person just hoping to meet a nice guy to spend some quality time with?  How dare I?!

In spite of the clear lack of morals I’ve demonstrated with this, I’m not one who holds guilt well.  My shame will always tell on me.  I mean, I really DO have a conscience which desires to harm nothing; to treat others as I hope to be treated, to always tread softly in regard to people’s feelings.

My head spins heavy among daggers of guilt, fear and not knowing the damage (or lack thereof?) done.

Ewwwwww….I’m yukky and disgraceful.  Selfish and scandalous.

I’m really sorry.

Smokin’ (OMG!) HOT hedonists of the selfless variety

This definitely goes into the questions and advice category. I mean seriously, WTF?

After sitting next to cute TALL freckle guy at my TAM class last evening, I happened to be feeling a little less tall than usual, so I braved the rapids and checked my emails again last night.  I have now had my fourth (FOURTH!) request to receive “pleasure” from some 20-ish guy looking just a bit too hot in his pictures.  It’s  unfortunate that I haven’t saved these other humanitarian offers to share verbatim, but I was simply too confused and befuddled by them at the time…

Hi, I’m (insert name).  Please don’t be offended, but I get great enjoyment from giving pleasure to beautiful women.  Would you be interested in that?

Another email (quoted here from memory only):  I like giving oral.  I don’t expect or want anything in return.  I hope it doesn’t offend you if I ask if I can give you oral pleasure?  It would require nothing on your behalf…except to enjoy yourself.  Hope to hear back from you!

After four of these strange and random emails now total, I must reflect and ponder this.  Umm…I look back at my photos…do I look uptight and stressed out in these pictures?  Do I have an overly emphasized worry crease in my forehead?  No.  I don’t think so.  I am smiling or laughing out loud (literally) in all of them!  Hell, I’m the very epitome of a relaxed, sexually satisfied chick!  Ummm….I think?

HELP! There's a Gandhi inside here merely here for your pleasure, Ma'am...

The strangest thing is these are the hottest guys who have written me at all!  ALL four of them!  In fact, I must say that the guys look so very “hot” in their photos that I’ve a really hard time believing the photos are authentic….and I just delete and move along.  I’m fairly attractive, so it might not be a fair judgment, BUT when a guy looks a little LOT like Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black or Thelma and Louise, I’m flattered to say the least, but I’m not buying it.  I figure two possibilities.  1. That’s not their real picture at all or 2.  They are some sort of sexual (or otherwise) deviant prowling the Internet for more victims with the mistaken opinion that any Internet dater must be desperate and/or stupid.

..and I think back to my brief BFF, April, whom I met on my first Internet date, who graphically told me about on your face guy.  And I get scared.  Yeah, I get super scared…and I delete immediately without much thought:   DELETE.  Am I too paranoid?  Are these guys merely smoking hot hedonists of the selfless variety?  Are they looking at my pictures thinking, Now there’s a nice girl, but she looks so stressed out…I won’t be able to sleep, eat or even go to the gym again until I help that woman!  Maybe my paranoia is too hasty?  I mean they could merely just be like me, and feel compelled to give back to society with their own individual “greatest gift”…  My gift is compassion for the needy and advocation for victims of crime, perhaps these guys were merely blessed with other beautiful gifts to offer this world?   Are they just beautiful souls overwhelmed with a desire to make this place a better world for us all?  Are they Gandhi’s trapped in Brad Pitt-like faces and bodies? Who am I to judge these guys anyway…to derive them of their societal offerings of sheer, selfless pleasure-giving to this world just one random stressed out snatch at a time…? 

(Disclaimer:  I get an inordinate amount of pleasure by merely saying, writing, or thinking the word “snatch” at any given time…I don’t know why…  It just makes me laugh!)

Men like that DO exist in a fair amount  mass abundance on this planet, don’t they?

The first email like this I received; I responded naively(and truthfully) with something like:  I’m not sure what you mean exactly?  To be totally honest with you, I really don’t know if I should find offense to this or not… but thanks for writing and good luck to you!  And said guy did write back with an explanation that basically reiterated his original email.  “I like to give pleasure to women…yada..yada..yada..”  Although it wasn’t rude or even crude at all per se, I deleted it immediately.   Hmmm…I think I get it now….umm….GASP!

Umm...duhh...hello??!? I'm a MD chick!

…because anyone who knows or understands me at ALL, knows that I am without a doubt and unarguably, way more of a Matt Damon kinda chick!! Psh!

Dear Matt, please know in advance, that should you ever feel any desire whatsoever to attempt to stimulate or satisfy me emotionally, mentally, sexually,  or intellectually, in ANY way, shape, form (whatever) you might prefer…the answer is a resounding YES! YES! Ohhhhhhh YESSSSS! Love, Me

M is for irresistable attraction…

I like M.  I do.  I stayed the night at his house last night.  Yes, it’s everything you think…I won’t hide that, deny it, or pretend to be even appropriately ashamed…  I’m just not.

I wanted him.  Yeah, umm…. A lot.  In kinda that strange way where it’s fun to be “there”, wanting something merely because it feels good to actually want for a minute…but then you don’t really want to hang out in that place of desire too very long…because… well because you want it.    And as absolutely delicious as it feels to want something/someone…the temptation to have it starts to take over and it becomes a force of nature all its own, almost a tangible thing you can taste and feel, with its own personality and characteristics unto itself; as if that makes any sense to anyone on earth except me…hehe…

It’s a strange thing, really; he’s not much my “type”, is slightly older than I’m accustomed to, and then there’s this “other” thing…  this indefinable strangeness that I…well I….umm..I don’t know…I can’t define it because it’s indefinable.  Yeah, that’s it. 

I’m not doing any of this experiment to find a husband or even settle down into a relationship.  That takes the negative edge away from the whole experience and process and I’m enjoying that.  It’s  akin to a timeless visit to an extravagantly delicious buffet when I’m not ravenously hungry, but just a wee bit and thus, far more interested in exploring the food itself than the actual consumption of it. It’s just fun!

…and  I‘m slowly realizing to my utter astonishment that my attraction to M is not only unquestionably potent, but baffling and peculiar as well.  What is it?

Here’s an attempt to sum up M’s qualities (both the positive and the not-so-much) : 

He is bald by choice. I’ve never dated a bald guy before and quite frankly, have never met one I wanted to date, in spite of knowing a few handsome baldies in my time (I do have a little “thing” for the biker/Harley types…but have never acted upon that…it’s always been a mild attraction at most.)

 Seems fairly successful.  I haven’t really quizzed or questioned him much about his work, but I listen closely to the bits that come out naturally and get the distinct impression that he is quite possibly far more successful career-wise than one might think given his laid-back personality.

Not at all pretentious or extravagant. This is tied in with the success thing above.  He lives in a very beautiful home in a terrific neighborhood with minimal, but truly tasteful, furnishings and accessories.

On the average to thin side.   He is fit, but doesn’t appear to work too hard on being that way.  I’m typically (certainly not always) attracted to huskier body types, bordering on over-weight even…  Yeah, I know.  That’s a little odd…I don’t know why this is…it just is.

 Communicates well and is either a good listener or at least effectively pretends to be.   We are never at a loss for conversation and openly discuss a variety of topics…which can get into the personal zone, but never “prying”.  I enjoy hearing him talk and I appreciate that he listens and asks questions of me as well.

 Manly, but not macho.  I get a very strong, almost heady (a scrumptious sense like a subtle scent which you just want to breathe in deeply), feel of manliness about him…but zero degree of macho-man/me: Tarzan, you: Jane sexist or possessive crap.

Attentive:  Feels like I have his absolute attention when I’m with him and his attentiveness when we text or talk on the phone, but I get zero sense of any kind of desperation or clinginess.  He never overdoes it and does a fabulous job of effectively maintaining a delightful balance on this one. I almost (but not quite) crave more of his attention, but I like randomly having that feeling and think the amount of attention he gives is thus, perfect for me. Not too much to turn me off or scare me away, but not so little that I feel unappreciated or unwanted at all, neither when  in his presence or away from him.  He leaves me wanting more… yet very satisfied with what is already there.

Well mannered but oh so laid back:  M has immaculate manners and demonstrates a slight degree of “chivalry” (offers his hand to help me up from sitting, touches me in affectionate, gentlemanly, respectful ways) yet clearly appreciates my strength and independence.  It’s never over bearing.  Never a sense of feeling I have to be boringly lady-like!

Honest and open, but still mysterious:  I don’t get the sense that he’s hedging or avoiding or even mildly hiding anything about himself, his past,  or his life in general and yet…. Dammit, the minute I leave him, I get all sorts of strange feelings about what the hell he might be doing in his personal time.  NO…not in a jealous/WTF is he DOING way, but more like:  I can distinctly sense something under the surface of this man…lurking around in the hidden recesses of his life or his personality.  It’s totally absent when I’m actually with him; everything seems so very open, clear, honest, comfortable, etc; like I could ask anything and he’d gladly tell me… but….

I don’t know.  Maybe this is just his strong silent type nature that leads me to this strange contradiction?  I just can’t put my finger on this part.  It’s an intriguing puzzle, but frustrating in its intangibility…like the “it’s on the tip of my tongue” thing.  That’s such a cool experience in itself when it happens, but then you very much need to figure out what’s in there hiding…or it’s just frustrating…  That may be a poor way to describe this, but truly, I’m without an explanation or an effective description.

It’s intriguing and fun to say the least…an entirely new and unique realm of experience within an experience.

I’ve never been “here” before…  I wonder how it will go…

“Just-because” sex?

Irresistable attraction...does happen...

Thinking of canceling the “swimming” date with “M”…just can’t shake that funky feeling…  yesterday, I thought, well the worst that can happen is maybe he’ll  “like how I look in a swimsuit” and want sex.  And that’s not typically my thing, but I really just don’t know at this point.  Then I realized that it really all depends on how much (if) I really like him “that way”.  If I genuinely like him, then even if I want to have sex with him, I’ll probably wait.  The quandary for me in that has several concepts.  1.  He can only hurt my feelings with the sex thing if I like like him. 2.  If I don’t and yet am attracted to him like that, I’m okay with just a sex thing.  3. Hell, in that case I’m perfectly okay with just using my body to obnoxiously flirt with him.  4. I’m not having sex with anyone else right now, so what difference would it make?

To be honest with myself, I’m not really sure exactly what I’m looking for anyway with this whole experiment, other than meeting new people.  I’m not in an emotional position to meet someone and fall in love.  That’s not really part of the mission or attraction with this, so that does add a degree of protection around my heart.  If I don’t have feelings for the guy, will it hurt to get used for my body?  Does that kind of thing hurt even if a person’s not interested in any kind of emotional thing anyway?  I really don’t know…

I know this woman is thinking about Matt Damon!

…and maybe (and I’m speaking theoretically here only)I just want to have sex.  There’s nothing wrong with that dammit.  If I like “M”, am having a good time with him tonight, and he just wants my body, and I want to share that with him, then no problem…  He’s not really my type to lust after really…  Not that I didn’t find him physically appealing…I did…  He’s just not “my” kinda lust object.  Sadly for me, my “lust object would have to either look like my ex-boyfriend (yummy) or perhaps look strikingly like Matt Damon, with the wit and intellectual appeal Matt holds  as well.  Because I really can’t decide if I’d find Matt Damon quite as appealing if he wasn’t so wickedly witty and freakin’ intelligent.  Ummm of course he’s adorable to look at, but I was cursed with the whole neuro-gasmic appeal for men.  While I can certainly look at a guy as some delicious eye-candy by appearance alone, I can’t possibly feel undeniably and irresistibly physically drawn to a man who doesn’t have those last two traits.  We’re talking the difference here between, Ummm, yeah, he’s hot and “OMFG, I MUST (throw-my-naked-body-at-his- mercy-pull-his-hair-and-BEG) have him.  Although my physical attraction “look” in a guy varies widely…these other two things are the Holy Grail for me… combine the three…and OMG…that’s where I become putty in a man’s hands.  Yeah, it’s to the point of embarrassingly appealing to me…

M is fairly attractive (read:  he’s “okay”), but I haven’t had enough time with him yet to determine the other two.  It’s clear he’s not stupid by any means, but beyond that, I’ve no real gauge of his intellectual capacity.  And as far as funny, I really don’t know.  I did find it truly odd that he talked to me of reading on women’s pages on the site the frequency which he saw the statement, “If a guy can make me laugh he can have whatever he wants” or something to that effect….  He expressed how strange he felt this was to me.  Honestly, I didn’t know if he thought it odd that women would say “have anything they want(about anything)” or thought the huge attraction to funny guys in general was odd.  Even as he was saying this, I had to stop and think if my page said anything like this because although it’s not safe to say this kind of guy can “have anything he wants” with me…umm…it IS safe to say, that kind of guy has legs (and feet and arms and torsos) up on the rest of the pool of potentials.  A moderately attractive man who can make me laugh becomes promoted to extremely attractive.  Even a relatively unattractive (to me) man often gets all the way to “attractive” in my eyes if he regularly makes me laugh.   It’s just one of those things that can’t be explained, but I have experienced it on several occasions and know it to be a simple fact. Perhaps laughter releases sexual-attraction hormones or something?

So what about this did M find so “odd”?  And is it odd to him because he lacks it and hasn’t experienced the woman who was mildly interested suddenly throwing herself at him after a few good belly-laughs?

Wow!!  I’m babbling out of direction this morning with this… (GAWD…see what just thinking about that kind of thing does to me…Geesh…??!!?) 

My burning inner question actually is the sex with M thing.  If I go swimming with him and feel a physical attraction, I might not be opposed to a let’s just fuck attitude.  And although he has expressed some interest in me, in my opinion, it’s been relatively mild and therefore, this would not be wrong or manipulative to do with him. 

However, if I feel truly attracted to him on several levels(which usually has to be the case in order for me to even want to “just fuck” with wild abandon), then having crazy-spontaneous-WTF-sex with him might leave me open to a vulnerability of getting hurt.   I firmly believe in taking chances in life like this and sometimes getting hurt is part of the experience, but right now, in my current situation being so far from friends, family, and all I’ve ever known, the last thing I need right now is even a mild heart break on top of the rest.   It’s a catch-22 of epic proportions and actually leaves me frightened to go on this “date” tonight.  I even woke at 3 AM this morning with the firm resolve to cancel the whole damned stupid thing rather than risk it.

Usually, that in itself, would be enough to make me just decide to stay home with a bottle of wine and a few good movies tonight.  And yet, I’m still definitely overwhelmingly curious as to how this whole thing might play out – on both his part and my own.  It feels like one of those children’s mystery books with several different possible endings:  If Sally picks A, then continue on to chapter 7.  If Sally picks B, then go to chapter 12…

In my current bored and lonely friendless state, with my freakin’ confounding overly-curious brain, can I resist this kind of mystery?  Should I?  Isn’t this what makes life, life?