Part II: Or how my state of bliss was interrupted in spite of my BEST efforts…OMG!

 …So having now offered a background into my nature it’s much easier for me to explain why I chose to end my relationship with M – a man I like, I respect, and I enjoy immensely.  Yeah, I’m bummed a little and my curiosity and inquisitive side is definitely nagging at me to investigate further…

And that’s exactly why I know I’ve made the right choice to end it.

It’s complicated to describe and yet so simple at the same time.

I’ve had a few conversations with M, delicately and respectfully attempting to just get enough information to make a reasonable decision about this confusion with him.  It started after the first date he cancelled (and nearly didn’t tell me).  Yeah, I understand things happen.  I also understand the premise behind “he’s just not that into you”.  Truly, I’m naïve, I’m trusting, but I promise I’m really not ignorant.  I see the possibilities.  I probably see far too many actually and I’m willing to entertain any of them  at this point in my M-relationship.  I mean, I’m still getting to know him..anything is possible.  In addition, I’m not emotionally invested, so denial (or preservation of my heart or pride) is just not necessary at this point.  Sure, I’d like to think he likes me and I see many indications that he does, but if not..whatever.

However, the trouble started after this near blow-off when I questioned whether M was liking me or wasn’t so much into me….  Honest and straight forward; totally willing to face and handle whatever his answer was.  Really, I only asked even because I wouldn’t want anyone to feel obligated to me in any way…ughhh..  that’s not a pleasant feeling.  Suffice to say, I was okay with whatever the sitch was here. 

..but M….OMG…M turned into Mr. DEFENSE after this ONE innocent question.  He started sending me pictures “proving” his whereabouts and activities.  Like, a picture of his car dashboard with a text saying, just so you know I really AM driving right now.

WHAT. THE F*$k????  Really?  Are you freakin’ kidding me?  Let me recall where I’ve once doubted your veracity ……..Ummm…..hmmmmmm??

OH WAIT…I haven’t..not once…nope..not a single time.  Well, okay, one time I thought I saw him when he was out of town, but I concluded all on my own that it wasn’t him.  I never asked him about it or thought much about it even after the initial “sighting”.  There just was no reason whatsoever that he would have needed to lie about something so silly…so I admit, I pondered for a bit, determined it wasn’t him, and went on as usual. (By the way, I still believe it wasn’t him too, but merely an uncanny resemblance.)

Therefore, this ridiculous “proving” of his whereabouts and activities has become just plain annoying and inappropriately defensive.  The first few times he did this, I laughed it off, reassured him repeatedly, and just let it go as perhaps a lingering trust issue from his previous marriage filtering down onto his current perspective.  We all carry some issues like this, so I was willing to offer reassurance to let him know I wasn’t questioning him at all, except maybe whether or not he was really “into me”. Which I asked one time only, believed his response,  and let that go too.   Again, I mean, why would he lie about liking me if he doesn’t?  I wasn’t pressuring him or making demands, I was offering him an easy out if this was the case.  Why would I doubt that?

But this other crap, this I really AM here or doing this or that or whatever, just so you know CRAP was really starting to get on my nerves.  Listen pal, I’m not some psycho suspicious, insecure chick interrogating you or even questioning you.  So let it GO already.  No.  M would not let it go and he continued to pull this crap. 

The catch-22 about this, is that the more I received this unrequested and unnecessary “proof”, the more I’ve started to question the things I wasn’t even questioning in the first place!  Reminder:  my only questions about this relationship AT ALL were 1.  Was he struggling to get past his divorce and still having strong feelings for his ex-wife, which might explain his seeming and occasional lack of interest in me from my perspective?  (BTW, I never once actually asked him about that.)  or 2.  Was he just not that  into me?  No crime in that…  He either is or isn’t.  I’m not devastated either way.

So this defensive garbage was just out of the blue and he was pounding me with it regularly all of a sudden. For no reason at all!

Maddening?  Yeah..you bet!  I don’t enjoy feeling like I have to reassure him that I believe him when I’ve not even entertained such questions in the first place!

I went along with this for a few weeks, assuming it was a past issue and after a few reassurance sessions, he’d get past that and stop treating me like some psycho chick. To be totally honest, this whole process alone was making me start to feel mistrust and question his random defensive tactics.  The very thing he was already trying to quell…he was, instead, creating.  And I did not like it one bit.

So yesterday, after thinking it over a little, I just decided this is what I don’t want to get snared into.  This isn’t me.  I don’t know why he’s doing this and I clearly can’t simply ask because then that might actually give him a reason to be defensive and thus, continue this maddening behavior.  I’m not that girl.  I refuse to be.  This situation gave me no other option but to end it.

So I text him that I really feel there’s an imbalance of some sort going on, that it was making me increasingly uncomfortable.  I was sorry he misunderstood me so much to think I mistrusted his every move and word.  That I liked him, but this seemed to just not be working and with his overly defensive actions, I didn’t even feel comfortable trying to get to the bottom of it all or communicate about it openly.  Wish you the best…sorry it didn’t work out…blah, blah blah…

And guess what?  I receive a response message with a picture of him at the Canadian airport and a message saying, It’s 7 AM in Toronto.  I’ve been here since Tuesday.  Drove back from Phx Monday. The finger is pointing at my blue shirt.  Ok, (Kay) I guess it’s getting weird for me now too.

WTF??!!  Are you kidding ME???!??  Now, that’s it.  Truly..that’s just it.  I respond, Listen M, I’m not having yet another lengthy conversation via text.  It’s just silly under the circumstances.  So I’ll email you.

And I email him that I just don’t understand his defensiveness given my lack of questioning OR suspicions, but that it has boxed me in to a place where I feel I can’t ask anything at all and that goes against my nature and makes things seem strange which I otherwise wasn’t even wondering about. SO what I know for a fact is that he’s gone over 95% of the time and our actual communication gets less and less.  Being that my whole point of meeting anyone was to have a person to spend time with in a strange city with all kinds of extra time I’m not accustomed to having, that whatever the reasons were or weren’t behind all this strangeness, the relationship wasn’t meeting my needs on any level…and was quickly getting to the point of frustrating and just flat-out ridiculous given the totally casual nature of the whole thing in the first place.  Period. The end.  Again, I like you and wish you the best in finding whatever it is you’re looking for…So given the facts alone (because I’m not presumptuous by nature), I’m going to chalk this one up to bad timing. Good luck, take care, etc, etc, etc…

And a few minutes later, I receive this text (minus any “proof” photos thank GAWD)” Re: Email:  I’m not going to try to explain as that apparently is defensive…that’s how it looks.  You’re a great woman and I wish you the best. M

OMFG….  Now, I seriously never want to communicate with M EVER again.  The freak is even defensive about BEING DEFENSIVE.  He’s clueless and is clearly having an entire relationship in his own mind that bears zero resemblance to what’s actually even happening, being said OR being THOUGHT.  Yeah, this is the type of shit that makes a calm, peaceful trusting person get PSYCHO.  NONE of it adds up and EVERYTHING I say or explain merely is another accusation I’m NOT EVEN THINKING.    OMG!!!

That’s an effed up situation and my inner peace has been disrupted too often and way too much at this point for what the relationship was actually providing.

Bye-Bye Now.  And good riddance!

Proof that most men can NOT handle a healthy, balanced woman, healthy open communication, or a relationship with casual expectations. 

WTF?!  I am too irritated to even DATE now.  I let this freakin insanity go on way too long beyond my personal comfort zone.  And I am PISSED that I allowed myself to get sucked in to the whole stupid and unnecessary thing.

ARGHHHH UGHHHH ARGHHH.  Stupid men better just steer clear until I process through this utter STUPIDITY and get to the place of blissful relief that I finally just refused to deal with any of it and ended the whole stupid thing.

10 responses to “Part II: Or how my state of bliss was interrupted in spite of my BEST efforts…OMG!

  1. Here’s a drink dear… I think you deserve one… and I didn’t read part 1 yet… been busy tonight. Seriously, I wish I lived there, we could totally just go out and have a few drinks and bitch about the crazy men we’ve met online. lol. I wish I could tell you it’s better out there, but I can’t. You know how I feel about online dating, crazy ass mofo’s on there! They seem ok, for a while, then… well, you are starting to see how it goes. Crazy comes out! No thanks! See ya pal!

    I’m sorry this happened, I know you had hoped he would be someone you could at least date on a regular basis and be normal. I really feel for ya, I think I’ve dated “him” before, it annoyed me too.

  2. It’s ok girl..thank you tho! I’m bummed mostly because I could have been satisfied with seeing him one or 2 days/week bc I really liked being around him, but I can’t possibly have him bombard me with “proof” and explanations of his constant whereabouts when I’m not even wondering (or caring even) in the first place! Seriously WHAT IS THAT????? And WHY?!!!?? I really think he was trying to make me feel better about his travelling and whatnot, but I wasn’t stressing that until he continually made it an issue..after like the 10th “proof” photo he sent, I was starting to wonder “WTF is this dude REALLY doing?? and why is he so eager to “prove” it????” And geesh, I wasn’t questioning that before he started that crap! It’s so stupid and unnecessary and was ruining EVERY thing!! And no matter how many times I responded, “Umm…Hey, I *believe* you…you don’t have anything to prove to me”….he just KEPT doing it!!! So stupid, it’s utterly frustrating and senseless! He totally ruined something that was just fine the way it was for me…idiot!

    • PS …wish you lived here too! Then we could just laugh at the stupidness of guys and have so much more fun w/o them even…who even wants a date when you have a fun gf to hang out with anyway?!! Not I !!!

  3. Maybe all the weird feelings you had before were your subconscious detecting this aspect of his personality. You know what they say about trusting your gut sometimes….

    Well, seems like it’s all for the better, anyway. At least now you know.

  4. At the same time, though… just to play devil’s advocate (to myself), social psychologists have figured out that women tend to be communicators, while men tend to be doers. That is, men show affection more with their actions than their words.

    Thus, maybe you were looking for him to verbally assure you that he likes you. But, his way of assuring you was by showing you that he’s being honest with you. So, maybe he didn’t see it as him being defensive, rather than him giving you what you were asking for.

    Just a thought….

    • Dennis..I so get what you mean… The saddest part of this is I really don’t believe he was trying to be a jerk, but quite the opposite..and it sucks that it was doing nothing but irritating me and getting me to start questioning stuff! I had no reason not to trust his word..hell, I wasn’t even asking him *where* he was going or anything..so for me to start getting suspicious about things that don’t really matter to me even..GAWWDDD, that’s just crazy and it was making me feel a little crazy too..yukk. I think he meant well and that’s the sad part of it.. my other psycho-analyzation is that *he* was having doubts/questions about what I might be doing and with whom. During our talk after the near “blow-off”, he threw a few things at me that sounded like he might be concerned I was still dating… and I was..so I could only reassure him that I wasn’t being sexually active w/any one else (if he cared about that?), but that I was still dating some. I dunno, but I think ppl offer you sometimes what *they* want in return, but don’t want to actually ask for. I don’t know if maybe he cheated on his marriage or vice versa, but I’ve a sneaking suspicion something like that happened and this weird “stuff” came from that as a result..?
      Whatever, I’ll never know bc I can’t let myself feel “crazy” thinking the W’s (what? why? whom? etc..) or get suspicious..that kinda stuff just sucks my energy up and I refuse to do it.
      I’m very sad. I really liked *so much* about M…but I can’t dismiss something this irritating this early on..no matter how good his intentions might have been 😦

  5. keepingitrealembassy

    Girly, dont sweat it. The minute you do, you may miss out on something better. He clearly has issues, and needs to deal with them. Keep it pushin, you’ll find something better. I want to leave a note I figured out going along this crazy road called ‘Dating Ave’……

    Defintion of Retarded(in my book): A person that lacks common sense, knows they lack it, and chooses to remain that way.

    After keeping this in mind, it tends to get easier to weed out guys who are clearly not men yet, and you don’t get frustrated.

    LOL

  6. Hey Real, after yesterday, you have no idea just how right-on with this you were! Retarded? Yeah… Ridiculous? Unbelievably… F’d up? Ohhhhh yeah…. CRAZY? Affirmative!
    Thanks for the advice girl….this weird-ass sitch has really just twisted up my mind…and dating perspectives…but live and learn..and learn..and learn..that’s life..right? 😉 xo♥

  7. Sometimes guys realy dont know how to properly communicate with women.
    But in this case..If he is acting too defensive, we have a saying and it is always true..”you protest too much” Meaning in short, Someone who tells the truth doesnt need to convince you of what they know to be true..A person who is lying has something to prove..I think you have been a pawn in his dating game. When you get close to the truth, Anger..The psychological purpose for anger is to protect something.. He is defensive because you are catching on to his game via your feelings.. Text him, Call him a douche, Say he is just like every other pathetic douche-bag and you thought he was different..Then say you met a nice man and your thinking of taking him out next weekend..Wish things had worked for you both.. Then END TEXT JUST LIKE THAT. See the reaction you get and respond back to this post..You will be so surprised at the change in behavior you will swear he was a different man… I am a psychological prodigy with credential and 12 years experience in human behavior.. If you cant abuse him in some (SMALL)
    way that makes him question his integrity… He will find someone who can.
    PUSH PULL BABY..(And calm down, Men dont do well with toooo much emotional baggage . A little is needed and alot is a sign of a psyco hence men run.. You have laid on these personal feeling too early..Even married couples should not be so uptight. So breath beautiful.. And reflect how beautiful and sexy you are with every move and word.. If you followed that simple rule you would take over the world.. It was the lack of confidence that REEEEKS so bad..Im just saying, I know your hurt honey,
    but show em all how wonderful you are…
    I love you and I think I hate you. Thats it.. just a little push pull.. A LITTLE emotional I love you I hate you.. Anybody who has questions I answer emails for free.. Steven_varadi@yahoo.com

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