Tag Archives: Red Bull

EUREKA?!

Haven’t been on any dates lately, so I’ve not much on that to update….  Have had several lovely offers, but just not feeling it really…

However, I made an interesting discovery today which is both perplexing and somewhat comical to me…we all know how strange my sense of humor is though…hehe 🙂

ahhh geesh...did my kids throw their garbage on the ground?

Cleaning outside around our pool area this morning, I came across this tiny little shiny gold thing…really shiny…like..well, like sparkly gold!  No one has been out there hanging out in weeks so I’m curious of course.  I pick it up…..  Couldn’t really figure out what it was at first….I’m thinking, a candy wrapper from the kids or something…?

No.  that’s not it.  It has a tiny section of writing on it…but I can only make out one full letter…umm….it’s an“M” in black….umm…????  WHAT???  I’m pretty sure it’s…it’s…noooooooo…it’s not possible….ummm…it’s…nooooooo…

WTF??

And I’m aghast!  Truly, ummm….this isn’t possible.  There’s no way….I must be mistaken, after all it has been awhile…

It’s a small corner section of a condom wrapper!!  WTF??!  That can’t be!  No one’s been out there “getting busy” since I moved here three months ago.  And I mean no one!  In addition, it can’t have been out there for very long (before we moved in?) either because I’m out there by myself at least once a day for a few moments and I’m certain I’d have noticed something so shiny and bright that it looked like jewelry if it had been there for any length of time…

Could it have blown from a neighbors’ garbage out on the street…over and above the cement walls dividing our back yards….  Ummm….that seems highly unlikely, bordering on impossible.  So…what in the hell is this…?

You have GOT to be kiddin me...

Umm….seriously, WTF?  So of course I ponder further…. Hmmmmm…. Other than swimming with the Lingerer (months ago), no man has even been out there at all….and NO man since I moved here has been out there in a situation to need a condom!

Wait…

Mr. Nurse was out there checking on how to get my hot tub going since I haven’t used it yet…umm…..  But…I wasn’t even out there with him.  We weren’t making-out out there at all…Ummm……….

OMGOMGOMG!!!! Is it possible that Nurse-man was so certain he was going to get “lucky” that he put on a condom in advance?????

That’s a disturbing thought…truly…extremely disturbing!  However, it does explain my weird “feelings” when Nurse-guy was here….OMG!!!

Ughhh…you have got to be kidding me!!!  And don’t you even think that the irony of the “M” is at all lost on me…hahahahahah…life really does have quite the sense of humor, doesn’t it?

Slim pickins’ around here

What I used to be...

So I had my token woe-is-me rant/whine yesterday.  I realize this becomes harder to me because I’m just hitting that place as a mother where I can’t fix everything that hurts my daughters.  It’s horrible!  So, as well as wishing (like she is/was too) that  I had friends in this life, I found myself listening and longing for those days when there wasn’t a tear she could shed which with a little silly chicken-noodle-dance around the kitchen in our pj’s  or some hugs and kisses couldn’t fix..and the tears would be gone and forgotten like they never even happened.  I was the MommaI could fix anything and everything.  Now, I’m becoming the “Mom”- the powerless to help much at all.  It’s a difficult transition for me and seriously, given my own lifelong issues with friendship, I did not need to go through that just to get in bed with my television tuned into whatever damned station those 4 fabulous soul-mate-chicks were on.  Not right then..geesh!  Anyway, other than the Momma to Mom thing, I’m over it already.   It is what it’s always been.  I can deal.  Hell, I’ve gone through far worse than that issue and come out just fine 😉

So, on to my recent dating emails. Umm…suffice to say WOW!  The pickins’ are a bit slim, yeah..but let me tell you, they are of the highest quality.  Allow me to share and elaborate:

So...I guess you want me to write you, huh?

I received this priceless, informative, and endearing email from a guy with a screen name that begs to be “dominated” (yeah…literally).  Hey, whatever…to each his own; it takes all kinds, right?   At least it demonstrates the flair for creativity that men who enjoy submission must innately have and I did not know that about them. So it’s great to learn new things!  It’s rather long, complicated, and rich in detail, so I’m just going to post it by straight-up copy and paste. 

“  write me back if you want to hang
out sometime write me back if you
want to hang out sometime write me
back if you want to hang out
sometime write me back if you want
to hang out sometime “

 What?  You ask if I’m not concerned about email copyrights or the privacy violation of posting verbatim such a personal email here might be? No, I’m not.  I think under the circumstances, I could just write him back and say, Listen b**ch, I’m posting this email on my blog and you’re just going to say thank you.  I’m certain he’d get immense pleasure from that and it’s clearly the sure-fire way to keep this one’s interest. 

Yeah, I’ll do that right after I share the next fabulous and unique email I received:

Dear (Kay),

I really enjoyed your Profile. 🙂 
It looks like we’re both completely
finished with all the nonsense and are
ready for something special and genuine.
Please reply and we can explore the
possibilities together:

*******************
Steve
(Here he includes every contact info the man might have .  Personal email address, messenger ID, and cell number)

Thank you and all the best.

 Well Wow-ZA!  It seems this guy really “gets me” and is obviously seeking something real and meaningful in the midst of a plethora of online dating b.s.  I’m sure it’s mere coincidence that he bears the name of “Steve”.  With such an insightful and beautiful reach-out to me as this, he could in no way share any commonalities with the Grope-y Groperton-Steve!  This one is a real gem…

However, I think it’s important to mention here that in no place or shape of imagination do I include anything of anything on my page pertaining to “nonsense” of any kind…dating or otherwise.  I mean, I don’t have a shred of anything like that on my page!  My page simply says something along the lines of, 

Hi, I’m Kay!  I’m new to online dating and new to this area, mostly hoping to meet new people and make friends.  If something more comes from that, then fantastic, but I’m perfectly okay if it doesn’t too. Simply meeting new people is a fantastic learning experience and loads of fun!! Life is short and wondrous…I don’t waste time dwelling on negatives.  I enjoy many activities…blah, blah, blah…and so on…

What I imagine Steve *really* represents

Okay…so here’s my Sherlock deduction from “Steve’s” email.  It’s a copy and paste that he sends to anyone and everyone he writes on the site!  This is an easy figure for a few reasons: 1. His email does not pertain to a single thing from my page.  In fact, it borders on the “opposite” of anything I actually say about myself, dating, or life in general! However (2.) I’ve noticed that a great deal of people on that site take up the majority of their page saying things like “sick of the b.s., tired of the games, do NOT respond to me IF  blah, blah, blah…”; i.e. pretty much listing every hurt or disappointment they’ve experienced in life since the age of two and how they DON’T want any more of that.

I happen to know this is a very common theme on there because I weed out possible interests by that alone…   because (and I reiterate a summation of my page here) I “don’t dwell in negativity or focus on what I don’t want in dating or people, but rather what I do like and what I enjoy about life and people…

Here's what I think Steve meant to say

I’d venture though, that this “stock” response sent in masses to attractive photos really grabs the interest of a great deal of women with minimum effort on Steve’s part.  Hell, I feel confident that he didn’t even read my page…  But, I give kudos to Steve for upping his positive responses/ ratio odds by merely limiting his time and effort and focusing on the really important part:  writing to mass volumes of attractive photos, while simultaneously throwing something “sensitive and personal” in them that a majority of jaded-dating women will probably think that he not only actually read their page, but mistakenly also probably think to themselves, “Awwwwww..,Steve really ‘gets it’”!  

More responses + less effort = better odds for insensitive-non-committed-lazy ass Steve!  That’s genius!!   GO STEVE-RACER…GO!

Awwww...did your wife interfere w/your online dating again?

I also made notice of another interesting facet of the online dating thing:  Three or four (yeah, THAT many!) guys who have written me in the past few days, have since deleted their profiles before I even had the chance to read the emails to me.  Wtf?!  I don’t know about you, but that screams, “Most likely MARRIED and got BUSTED” to me…or something along those lines.  How does that time frame even work?  He’s “single and looking..browsing profiles..emailing…lets chat, date, or email” whatever… and then within 48 hours of that, he’s either totally lost interest in dating at all or found someone he really likes…???  What?!  Nahhh…ummmmm…I don’t think so…

OMG…SCARY!!!!!

Proof that Stumblers CAN text

Follow up on Mr. (sorta)Favorite…this texting sessions begins with his sweet check on me after our date and continues through all texting since, a period of 24 hours post-meeting:

Mr. F.:  did u make it home ok?

K:I did…was just pulling n garage when ur text came in..hadda pee..red bull makes me hafta pee!!  I think ima little tipsy…hehe:)  (totally TMI..seriously after watching me stumble around like LL on St. Pat’s Day (thx Miki for that one btw!!) did I really somehow think  he was interested on the effects Red bull has on my bladder??!?) 

Mr F.: well good thing u didn’t get pulled over then tipsy one

K: Sooooo good:):)  …glad ur home safely too!

K (sent next day):    Thx for meeting me last night…nothing was wrong w/my shoe btw…I think it was just clumsiness from takin allergy meds and then drinkin…gosh!

Mr. F: Really????  So it was the same leg/foot each time?

K: yup I really thought my shoe was torn or something..but nope..was just me…just that leg/foot..WEIRD…I’m not usually THAT clumsy…geesh..hehe…

Mr F:  Riiiiiiiiiiight…

K: LOL…I’m clumsy sometimes yup…but THAT clumsy?? Nahhh…not even *I* am THAT clumsy usually..or maybe..?  hmmm…. ??J

Awwww…he really is such a sweet guy and a great catch!!  I hope some precious, sweet girl who knows how to walk and act right, snatches him up soon into blissfully mutual happiness…  He’s just a true gem!

If I were him under these circumstances, no matter what he texted me, I would respond with “So have you learned to walk yet?” 

-Hey, what’s up today?

-So, have you learned to walk yet?

-how was your weekend?

-have u learned to walk yet?

-I’m fixing fajitas for dinner

-really?  U r amazing! …So have u learned to walk yet?

Stumbled across Mr. Favorite…

I did it!  I FINALLY met Mr. Favorite in person!!!!!  He lives a ways away from me, so we met last night half way at a cute casino called Red Rock, in their restaurant/lounge.  It’s the farthest away from home I’ve been on my own since moving here.

I was late…okay, punctuality is just not my forte…(perhaps I should claim that shortcoming of mine on my page and let the chips fall where they may?)  I know all the theory behind these less-than-timely types like me… yet,  I really just can’t buy into them when it comes to my particular affliction with this.  I am not selfish or self-centered (oh-so-far from it actually!), as in the world revolves around me – my time is more important than yours thinking.  No, that’s not it.  And it does not have anything to do with how much I like the person I have an appointment, date, whatever with or how much I do or don’t respect him or her.  In fact, this time-malady of mine almost leans toward getting worse the more I do like or respect a person.  So, I feel confident that’s not the issue.

(OVERLY DRAMATIC DISCLAIMER):  I was always this way…always.  I was born two months premature and I’ve never been on time since.  I think it’s a handicap of sorts really and it should be recognized as such to give those of us who suffer from this our due respect…  Instead of criticizing us, yelling at us, or accusing us of being self-centered egotistical types.  I just seem to have been born missing a full comprehension of time.  There’s a gap or mutated chromosome I believe in my brain’s concept of the time-space continuum.  It sucks.  I know.  As I get older, it’s more and more a source of anxiety for me.  I don’t want to be that girl!  Here’s an example:  When I started my last job six years ago, I was so paranoid and anxious about being late that I arrived at the office nearly a full hour early every day for the first six months straight, merely to counter-act any possibility that I might be late, I had to be this early.  Finally one morning, my boss asked me why I was so early every day and I told her straight up about my “punctuality issues and fears”.  She laughed at me and said they were a pretty flexible office and not to sweat it if I was a few minutes or so late on any given day.  Now I can’t try to claim that I was on time every day after she hit me with this wonderfully relieving piece of info, but I was sometimes

Anyway, Mr. Favorite…hmmmm….well, I did like him okay.  I’m a few minutes late and I called him to let him know.  He was pretty cool about it.  He looked just like his photos.  He was polite and seemed intelligent. You know what?   Let me just come out and say this as delicately as I can…

I fucked up the whole thing!!  …from start to finish, I was quite possibly the worst date in the history of dating.

 I was late.  I had taken an anxiety pill prior to driving because driving on the highways in this city scares me…and I’m too ashamed to admit that ridiculous fear I’ve formed to anyone.  I only took a tiny bit of one, but it did the trick. I was laid back, cool as a cucumber through this date. 

It started when I found his booth, saw that it was one of those gargantuous  booths, so I sat next to him instead of across from him.  He slid over and I got the sense that he was almost “backing away” from me in fear…I’m sure that’s not what it was…but something felt strange the way he moved away when I sat down, like a scared kitten hunkering down away from the big bad wolf or something…  Gosh, am i really that scary?!  I did ask  him aout his body language (curiosity was overwhelming me) and he admitted that he doesn’t get close to people easily…..ummm….okay…?

I didn’t want to eat and I got the distinct sense that he was hungry but too polite to eat without me or in front of me.  After two beers (which I shouldn’t have had while on an anxiety med), some good get-to-know-you conversation and declining food, he suggested we walk around the casino.  We walked to another little lounge that  had the cutest sitting area and tables made of marble-ish-like rocks which were lit up from the inside.  It was so cute!  He was saying he was tired so I suggested we have a Red Bull and vodka here.  He declined to drink anymore out of a respect for maintaining the ability to drive home safely (he’d had one more drink than I while waiting for Her Tardiness) and he didn’t want just a Red Bull either, claiming he’d be “up all night”.  So, I had one, spilled my purse as I was sitting down and my cigarettes (the ones I’m trying so hard NOT to smoke!) fell out of their pack and spilled everywhere…he collected these for me…bless his heart.

...gotta get this T-shirt to warn people...

Then I suddenly wanted a cigarette sooooo badly with my Red Bull and Raspberry vodka…and so I did indulge in such…ughh… (so very UNattractive!).  Had to go to the ladies room (thank you Red Bull for invigorating my bladder like you do!) and stumbled several times.  It was one of those things were you trip/stumble over nothing.  Nothing’s there, so it can’t be blamed on anything except drinking or clumsiness, which I’m at this point quite guilty of both.  So I stumble literally to the ladies room with him watching my smooth walking finesse and extraordinarily graceful abilities.  Get back, finish the drink I did not need, while he drank nothing, and then he’s going to walk me to my car….I stumble (WTF?!) like FIVE times while we do this!  No really, WTF was my problem??!!??  My brain didn’t feel this intoxicated!  So I can only imagine it was the combination of anxiety meds and three drinks… NOT a good one for me obviously. Are you kiddin me??  What in the HELL was wrong with my FEET??!!  There was NOTHING there for me to KEEP tripping on…  NOTHING….GEESH!!  I truly was not as drunk as I’m certain I appeared….no seriously, I almost wish I had this as an excuse even….Nope.  I have no clue what on earth was wrong with me…

He asked if I was okay….I was just embarrassed and truly, in my brain, I felt fine…clear as a bell even…  I guess it was just a massive and sudden attack of total clumsiness to the point that I just had no explanation and desperately just wanted to get in my car where I didn’t have to work so hard to get my damned feet to do their job in some semblance of freaking coordination—the same damned job they do EVERY day, usually without a hitchI could tell he was a little concerned and he made me promise to text the minute I got home.

He texted me as I was pulling in my garage 20 minutes later or so, asking if I’d made it home ok.  I texted back that I did.

Whoaaa…what an absolute effing train wreck of a hot mess I was!!  Poor guy is probably scarred for life at this clumsy-ass debacle I demonstrated last night!  GAWWWDDD…how just utterly embarrassing!  I’m quite certain I won’t be hearing from Mr. Favorite ever again…..

 
 
 
 
 

 

Mr. Hot PhD…or a good book and a warm bath?

Received a fabulous invite for tonight from Mr. PhD in psychology (ooooohh fascinating!) to meet him at a concert over at a nearby casino by my house.  He’s going with a few friends and invited me yesterday.  It sounded so terrific when he invited me!  I was actually even a little excited to meet him and to go to the concert!

I LOVE the Sexy Intellectual guy.....or do I?

…so now that my daughters have gone with Jack Ass (OMG…sorry….that was rude) their inconsiderate, selfish, boorish, arrogant, douche bag of a father for the evening… (oops…really sorry…geesh…I gotta get it out SOME where!!)…..WHY am I sitting here with a glass of Cab, writing in our blog?

I mean, wasn’t the whole point of this blog to get my sorry ass back into the dating world?  …to force myself to have to get involved in dating and make some kind of effort, even if only just to have something to write about??!! Yes, it was.

So, right at this very moment, I should be tearing through my closet, desperately trying to find the perfect outdoor concert outfit, which is also appropriate “first date” wear as well.  Cute, but not childish or teen-agey, sexy, but not slutty, casual, but not sloppy…something that with lots of effort, appears effortlessly thrown together as if I’ve not a care in the world that I’m having a first date, first face-to-face meeting ever with Mr. Handsome PhD guy…

Right now I’m feeling the dating-intrigue- fatigue similar to  one of my favorite movie quotes: 

 

Dorothy, give me strength...

“I’ve had three lovers in the past four years, and they all ran a distant second to a good book and a warm bath”.

(Dorothy Boyd in Jerry Maguire)

So…….Why am I not?  After Mr Pushy (text only), Mr. Lingerer (2 dates(one date too many and 5 gazillion texts), Mr. Sorry but You Could Be My Father (One lovely date and several requests for another thus far), and Mr Favorite (I-hope-like-hell-you’re-not-a-total-freak/text only) have I already lost my appetite for this kind of slow destruction?  Have I seriously already exhausted myself of this excitement-to-futility-in-one-date intrigue?  Already??!!!!  OMG….if so, then I not only just plain SUCK, but I am a disgrace to the Ka!Pau! race(errr…blog) as well!!

This is an ideal first-date activity invite, from a guy who looks handsome in his pictures, is appropriately aged in my age group; who is intelligent and well educated, capable of interesting conversation, and shares a similar taste as I in music.   WTF is my problem??  Like I’ve anything on earth better to do tonight!

Pau!….ARE YOU OUT THERE???   

I wish you were here to kick my ass into gear…to sit here while I tear through my closet and we laugh till we cry about the million terrible,(but hysterically funny to us),  things that might happen or be said…

…to look at the goody two shoes outfit I’ll pick out, giggle right in my face, and then force me into something just a teensy bit sexier…

…and then shove me out the door and say, Have fun….I won’t wait up!

…I KNOW!  I need Red Bull….  Red Bull gives you wings, right?    Yaayyyy…off for a few Red Bulls…

Swimming without trunks

He sends me a clever little ice breaker message about a fun local band. We send a few emails back and forth, then a few texts, then a couple of phone calls. A few little warning flags went up during our first phone conversation, as in tiny little fluttering parade-sized flags, barely flapping in the wind. Not entirely sure if they appear tiny because the parade is so far away from me at this point or if they actually are those little “not to worry” club sandwich sized flags? At the least, he seems harmless and at the most, he seems interesting enough to get to know better…
First date set. I’m mildly intrigued about the guy and very interested in getting out and about for my first time since moving to Vegas!
I meet him at a nearby casino on Saturday night. He was right: the band/show really is a blast! He seems pretty cool too…having a nice time overall. I’m a little reserved and quiet though. Nervous? Maybe a tad, but not really..more like I just need a few Red Bulls and vodka to muster up the energy to actually get “into” this date. I’ve always been of the 3-drinks-and-everyone -is –my-new-best-friend variety, so I make friends with this couple standing (room-only) near our table, dancing around like my could-be newest and most fun Vegas friends. I invite them to sit with us…the more the merrier!
My new BFF, April, asks how we met…. We tell her “online” and this is our first date. Although I expect some gasping and shocked looks, thankfully, no one expresses any kind of surprise at all. On ladies room joint visit #3 or 4, April even decides to open up to me and tells me a little of her own online-dating experiences. No, she didn’t meet her husband like that, but she did meet a couple of interesting characters online.
She tells me about one guy from online she dated a few times with whom she had become physically intimate. Apparently dude has a sexual fetish of only wanting to “finish” on her face. Nope, wasn’t a one-time thing it seems. Not an “oh my God I’m so turned on by you, I wanna get KINKY!” thing…nope! Seems the guy was not at all interested in any sort of sexual intercourse or fun shenanigans…not even prior to his finish. He just wanted to run the race all on his own, get to the finish line… and finish on her face. Hmmmm…. I’m not sure what to think of this so I just show what I think amounts to the appropriate looks and sounds of shock and disgust (not that I had to really fake this), coupled of course with some pertinent questions about the experience. I gotta know more… I mean, I’ve never even thought of this possibility! What are the warning signs of this? How can I see this guy coming from a mile away please?
On a scale of 1-10, my enjoyment level of my date up to this point was hovering somewhere between a 4 and 6. However, I return to my date from bathroom trip #3 or 4 with a deep appreciation(unbeknownst to him) of his newly elevated status of at least he’s not the finish on your face guy.

We wrap up the date nicely, dancing with my new BFF and her husband. I’ve had a few drinks and I’m grateful when he offers to drive me home. We arrive to my house and decide to go swimming. No, he doesn’t have his trunks, but no worries… I’m okay with him swimming in his boxers. We swim awhile, make out a little in the pool. Now this to me starts to feel a little like one of those highly overrated soft-porn scenes from a rated-R movie that brings adolescent boys back to see the same movie again and again, but I’m going with it… Hell, at least he’s not you-know-who

After some amateur movie acting, a few more drinks, and some questionably better-than-the-book-I’m-reading conversation, I allow him to stay the night. Not for sexual reasons obviously…
All goes safely and he’s a gentleman for the most part. He even mentions needing to brush his teeth first thing in the morning. Hooray for good dental hygiene!! Bonus points because he quickly tells me he does not intend on asking to use my toothbrush, but has those handy little quick-brush-on-your-fingertip thingies. Okay. Good… Thank God! Although we did swap spit the previous evening, I’m certainly not at all prepared to share my toothbrush with him.
However in the morning, in spite of his admirable respect of oral hygiene and his Boy Scout preparedness, I kinda just want to be alone and quietly enjoy my morning and the down-side is these very things have rendered him able to enact in his next starring role as…The Lingerer….
Or have they? Seriously, pal? Thanks for the evening. I rate it an overall 5. So you’re not doing too terribly bad to this point. Now, when are you gonna go home? Your rating is dropping by the minute here…