Tag Archives: cheater

Kindly define “slut”, please? (emphasis on KINDLY)

I should wear this as a fair warning!

Oh the shame…  I am a POS for sure! What the FUCK is the matter with me? I freakin’ define the essence of a hypocrite!  Everything I believe in and hold dear as a moral conscientious way of life, I just defy as though it’s merely a challenge to see how far I can go to disgust myself.

Yuk.  I am yuk.

Twin is so terrific!  So kind to me.  So what I clearly don’t deserve.

I finally, after a great deal of asking, conceded to hang out with a guy I’m friends with, whom I did have sex with a few times long ago.  I really wanted to be friends with this guy, as we always have fun together…

Wait, maybe that’s just fun sex?  There was a point in time after I first met this guy that I thought perhaps I might actually be into him.  Into him as in like him, want something with him, etc., etc…

But I really don’t think I do.  I mean, I like some things “about” him.  I like that he is motivated and driven for self-improvement.  I like that he’s a dedicated father to his son. His looks are just a bit above okay; definitely not my kinda gorgeous, but appealing for sure.

I don’t like:  he is pretentious, talks of money constantly ( umm…a HUGE no-no from where I come from; one does not speak of money – it’s “trashy”): as in who has it, who doesn’t,  how much he hopes to make..  He’s a name-dropper (Oh GAWDDDD!).

WTF?

He kept saying, we have to hang out, Kay, when are you free Kay?, what are you doing this weekend Kay?  Want to meet up for happy hour Kay?

And I kept dodging it.  Why?  Because I know that I like having sex with him.  I know that he really likes having sex with me.  I know that I’m not so into sex with the Twin…and I get that this combination is simply a recipe for disaster under the circumstances.  No, he’s not the ex by far, but well, yeah, he’s a definite runner-up.

After months of dodging, I finally deceived myself into hanging out with him and submerging myself in the denial of I can keep it non-physical. However, disinterested in Twin I am physically, I’m not “that” girl.  I’m no cheater, scandalous vixen.  I’ve no desire to hurt Twin.  No desire to disrespect him or his kindness. No ability to tread on his heart like I’m incidentally squashing a bug under my shoe (which I ironically actually try to avoid in itself as well- literally).

No.  I am scum after all.  I cheated on Twin. I feel disgusted with myself.  And gosh, NOW how can I attempt a healthy sexual relationship with Twin??  With all this guilt and shame of cheating?

Did I cheat?  You know what sucks to me about relationships at this era in my life?  How do you know?  What are the boundaries of the unspoken?  It’s not like back in the younger years where you ask, Will you be my girlfriend (i.e., meaning will you not date anyone else?).  That doesn’t seem to be said outright.  It’s more of an unspoken thing, I think?

Because the only semi-conversation about this I’ve had with Twin was when my girlfriend’s buddy was hard core hitting on me one night when I wasn’t with Twin and she says to Twin a few days later, I think you’ve got some competition.  To which Twin replies, Kay’s a big girl.  She can make her own choices.

I don’t know what that means!  I like the non-possessive stance!  I like the implied trust (oh geesh, did I just say TRUST?) factor of that response.  I like the adult-like feeling of hey, yup, we are grown -ups now.  No one can force another to be faithful.  It’s always a choice. There is no sense in tantrum throwing insane jealousy behavior.  We are not chained.  It’s a choice we make to be together, to be faithful.

I really liked Twin’s response to this little gauntlet thrown by my friend.  Perfect response actually!

So, does this mean I owe Twin a confession of my spontaneous (yes my denial is still in there!) tryst with Mr. Pretentious?  What will Twin do?  Will he just say, Choice made dear…see ya…?  Will he just think, Hmm…so it’s all fair game now? YAY??!!  Will he say, Wow!  You’re just a nasty hateful tramp, huh?  F*$# off Kay! And if so, might that be for the best?

I don’t know.  I mean, I really don’t know!  I can only imagine it certainly won’t feel good for Twin. I’m positive it’s not going to give him that warm, loving, trusting (EEK…there it is again!) feeling…

I’m sure anyone who reads my blog or has gotten to know me somewhat through my confessions here might be disgusted with me after this.  I don’t blame you.

How dare I date?  How dare I try to presume the stance of being a nice person just hoping to meet a nice guy to spend some quality time with?  How dare I?!

In spite of the clear lack of morals I’ve demonstrated with this, I’m not one who holds guilt well.  My shame will always tell on me.  I mean, I really DO have a conscience which desires to harm nothing; to treat others as I hope to be treated, to always tread softly in regard to people’s feelings.

My head spins heavy among daggers of guilt, fear and not knowing the damage (or lack thereof?) done.

Ewwwwww….I’m yukky and disgraceful.  Selfish and scandalous.

I’m really sorry.

My Darling Douche Bag…

Dear ex-for-a-reason-jackass,

Listen here douche bag my friend…  I left you ten years ago because you were an emotionally abusive, callous, self-consumed, cheating ass.  Although we have become friends over the years since that horrifying time, I’ve hardly forgotten who and what you once were both to me, and in general as well.

I recognize your control issues.  It doesn’t take a PhD in psychology to see them; hell, the sales clerks at your over-priced clothing stores probably have you tagged “the pompous ass”.  I’m sorry that you’re so insecure that you have to control every freakin element of your life and everyone else’s.  That must suck at a level of exhausting which makes me need a nap just thinking about it.  However, WE are not your employees.  WE are the mother of your children and your daughters.

We are not married.  In case you don’t recall correctly, that doesn’t bother me….in fact, I chose it.   TWICE.  I’m proud of you…really, I was am.  Your perfectionism in your career has led you to be as successful as you once dreamed so long ago in that college town where we met.  I’m delighted for you and I love that you’ve accomplished so much.  This has lead to a sense of financial security for our broken/dysfunctional divorced family that I’m ever so grateful to you for.  However, please remember that while you were living the wild single life, free to pursue your every career whim or goal, I was working 24/7/365 at raising our childrenalone.  Therefore, my success might seem meager and lacking in your corporate world of materialism, BUT it DOES make me above and beyond you the “expert” in parenting compared to your Disney Dad weekends and summer vacation parenting “experience”.

What I can’t understand is how such a monetarily generous human being can be so utterly and completely SELFISH and SELF CONSUMED?  Everything isn’t taken care of by money.  Yeah, thanks for leaving extra money on the table yesterday…the girls and I are going to a movie and out to dinner on you…and we appreciate that!  However, in as much as we appreciate it, money does not buy you an acceptable excuse for being a douche bag.  Money does not give you the right to eyeball me like a freaking steak you’ve just ordered –  mouth watering, and drool hanging off your lip…  I am not your peep-show anymore, nor your sex kitten, nor your emotional punching bag.  What I wear to clean the house is NONE of your BUSINESS. Hell, if I freakin want to clean my house NAKED, I will….maybe you need to just sit in the driveway and honk when you pick up the children.  In fact, would you? Please? 

I realize that you’ve not had to deal with physically seeing me so regularly (in sundresses, tank tops, bra-less, etc, etc, etc). since I left you so long ago, And I’m really trying to understand how challenging that might be for you.  Really, I am…  No.  You know what?  That’s a lie.  I’m not trying to understand how “hard” that it for you (no pun intended) because it’s just not MY problem.  It’s yours…same old problem as always.  And what skimpy get-up I wear to clean the house when it’s 115 freakin degrees outside is just NOT your BUSINESS, nor your CONCERN. No one even invited you IN the house…  And anyway, WHAT I WEAR has ZERO effect on the way our teenager dresses, you sexist ASS.  So, just shut your steak and mashed-potato hole…ok?  I don’t care how much money you leave on the table or deposit in my account or make a year.  I just don’t care.  You should know by now that material things don’t mean diddly squat to me.  You have no more rights than the bum sitting outside the liquor store (which I happen to frequent far more often now that we live in close proximity to YOU) to oogle me, criticize me, or comment on what I wear in PUBLIC, much less to clean my freakin house! 

I'm wearing this to clean next time...

Just shut it…just shut your too tiny for your face mouth already!  And don’t look at me with that tone of voice either. You lost that right to flap your lips or oogle your eyes in my direction years ago when I left our home with two children under the age of two.  Hear me?  LOST it….as in, NO LONGER have that right.

Our children are beautiful, well-adjusted, well mannered, intelligent, kind and compassionate souls.  They are most likely this way so much because YOU were so far away as I was raising them while you were busy making a success out of yourself in your career.  They stand up for themselves and don’t buckle to manipulation easily because they were raised by ME alone…and not in the home environment of our suppressing and spirit-murdering marriage.  They are individuals with their own fashion sense and a solid idea of right and wrong, as well as inherently beautiful hearts and morals, which DON’T include cheating, lying, controlling, or manipulation.  I left you, young, petrified, and with NOTHING so long ago because the choice between money, a husband, and marital status meant NOTHING to me when held up to the effect THAT kind of home life and poor example would have had on two little girls growing up watching the heinous and disrespectful way you treated their mother and women in general.  This was never a choice for me because I was not going to allow them to witness that debacle of a relationship and then grow up dating pompous, controlling, cheating, sexist assholes like you.  That was never going to happen and you really should have known my character well enough to know that it wasn’t going to.  And now… please understand that I did NOT raise two kids for ten years by myself, just to move here NOW so you could have a detrimental effect on their self-esteem during these critical and challenging years of their lives.  No.

If you choose to continue this manner of disrespect to me and continue to disrespect our daughters, their feelings, their struggles, their athletic abilities, what they wear, WHATEVER…I hope you will vividly recall just how it felt standing there watching us all walk out of your life and your world ten years ago… 

And remember those tears you had the day I agreed to move us here?  Well they weren’t nearly as painful or embarrassing as the one’s you’ll have when we leave if you don’t get your shit together and muster up a little respect and acceptance for all three of us.  Your wallet does NOT give you the right to criticize or hurt any one of us.

Don’t forget, I know exactly how to leave….I always know where the exits are and the emergency evacuation plan is folded up in my hand bag at all times.    I did it penniless, car-less, and devastated with two young children TEN years ago, so don’t you EVEN think for a moment that I can’t do it NOW…or that I wouldn’t. Oh, I will.  It will be inconvenient and difficult, yes…but that never stopped me before. And I’m not nearly the same pushover scaredy-cat spineless and innocent creature today that I was then…

How DID you snap this one???!

So pull your controlling, pompous head out of your ass and get over your sexual ideation of me that petrifies you that you might cheat on your girlfriend, whom I feel horribly sorry for by the way – I’m certain she has NO clue what exactly she’s in for with you yet, but that is thankfully, NOT my problem or concern any more either.  You won’t cheat on her or anyone with ME…I wouldn’t have it.  I don’t have any interest in you “that” way anymore.  NONE.  ZILCH.  ZERO.  Hell, at this point, I don’t even want to be your freakin friend anymore, much less your lover…secret or otherwise…ughh…  No. Ummm get over yourself.  Not every chick in a cute little skirt is wearing it merely because they want you, pal.  Trust me on that one.

You’ve been a surprisingly good father under the circumstances of the last ten years.  This is why I’ve given you my respect and ultimate consideration as a father and even as my ex-husband…and ultimately the only reason we agreed to move here at all.  You’ve earned that over the past ten years…so I suggest you be careful that you don’t lose it (again) now.  As you should know already from past experience, I won’t compromise what’s in the best interest of the life, health and livelihood of my daughters for ANY thing.  NOTHING is of value to me when it’s held up against that kind of damage to my children or their potential happiness in the future.  I’ve left and lost it ALL to preserve and protect that once, I WILL not hesitate to do it again, if I must.

I am shocked, disgusted, and disappointed in you to a level I’ve not reached in ten years.  YOUR adjustment to this is NOT all that matters….and certainly not what matters most here.  You gave up nothing for this and gained EVERY thing.  We gave up everything and so far have only gained the frustrating headache of dealing with a pompous, critical, controlling ass.

I will not hesitate to boil your noodle, throw my kids in the car, and haul our lives right back across the country if you don’t get a grip on this and SOON. 

get yourself a copy...

I really don’t want to have to slap you like a monkey…

 So, please and thank you already.

~K