Tag Archives: late-night swimming

EUREKA?!

Haven’t been on any dates lately, so I’ve not much on that to update….  Have had several lovely offers, but just not feeling it really…

However, I made an interesting discovery today which is both perplexing and somewhat comical to me…we all know how strange my sense of humor is though…hehe 🙂

ahhh geesh...did my kids throw their garbage on the ground?

Cleaning outside around our pool area this morning, I came across this tiny little shiny gold thing…really shiny…like..well, like sparkly gold!  No one has been out there hanging out in weeks so I’m curious of course.  I pick it up…..  Couldn’t really figure out what it was at first….I’m thinking, a candy wrapper from the kids or something…?

No.  that’s not it.  It has a tiny section of writing on it…but I can only make out one full letter…umm….it’s an“M” in black….umm…????  WHAT???  I’m pretty sure it’s…it’s…noooooooo…it’s not possible….ummm…it’s…nooooooo…

WTF??

And I’m aghast!  Truly, ummm….this isn’t possible.  There’s no way….I must be mistaken, after all it has been awhile…

It’s a small corner section of a condom wrapper!!  WTF??!  That can’t be!  No one’s been out there “getting busy” since I moved here three months ago.  And I mean no one!  In addition, it can’t have been out there for very long (before we moved in?) either because I’m out there by myself at least once a day for a few moments and I’m certain I’d have noticed something so shiny and bright that it looked like jewelry if it had been there for any length of time…

Could it have blown from a neighbors’ garbage out on the street…over and above the cement walls dividing our back yards….  Ummm….that seems highly unlikely, bordering on impossible.  So…what in the hell is this…?

You have GOT to be kiddin me...

Umm….seriously, WTF?  So of course I ponder further…. Hmmmmm…. Other than swimming with the Lingerer (months ago), no man has even been out there at all….and NO man since I moved here has been out there in a situation to need a condom!

Wait…

Mr. Nurse was out there checking on how to get my hot tub going since I haven’t used it yet…umm…..  But…I wasn’t even out there with him.  We weren’t making-out out there at all…Ummm……….

OMGOMGOMG!!!! Is it possible that Nurse-man was so certain he was going to get “lucky” that he put on a condom in advance?????

That’s a disturbing thought…truly…extremely disturbing!  However, it does explain my weird “feelings” when Nurse-guy was here….OMG!!!

Ughhh…you have got to be kidding me!!!  And don’t you even think that the irony of the “M” is at all lost on me…hahahahahah…life really does have quite the sense of humor, doesn’t it?

Make out or Macrame’…hmmmm…

Vegas!

Whoa… Vegas is crazy!  It sucked the writer out of me there for a minute…but I’ve collected my thoughts as much as is possible given the randomized, sporadic pattern of said thoughts and I’m getting back on track!  By the way, “collecting my thoughts” is one of my favorite phrases…like snatch and serendipity, I just like to say/think/write those words as much as I can possibly squeeze them into my vernacular!

After last Thursday’s date with Mr. Nurse, as well as some interesting thoughts from a few other blogger/daters, I’ve re-worded both my “looking for” and “write me if”.  I’ve opted to remove all of the potential “romantic” element and merely post that I’m looking to meet “friends” and friends in the literal, not trendy (FWB), sense.  I did this after my date with Mr. Nurse because although Nurse-guy was a handsome, intelligent and fairly fun guy, it became pretty clear to me around midnight of our date that his intentions posted on the dating site are possibly not entirely truthful.

After a great afternoon hanging out on the strip for coffee and chit-chat, he invited me out later that night to an open-mic night at a little dive bar in his neck of the woods.  Nurse-guy likes to sing and play the guitar.  Awww... I loved this!We were having a delightful time at this shin-dig!  I met a few really nice people and heard some great music.  Around midnight, Nurse says to me, “Are you ready to go?”  I’m definitely ready to leave, eat, or go somewhere else at this point and I assume this is what he means; “ready?” as in “ready to leave?”

Yes, I am.  So he walks me to my car, where he kisses me and then basically invites himself over to my house.  I’m not against this entirely, but I’m a little suspicious at the way he maneuvers this…something just felt “off”…  I want to assume the best though; he seems super nice.  I tell him that it’s no problem to come over to my house to watch movies (my idea) or maybe go into the hot tub (his idea), whatever… He responds to this with, I’m not looking for a relationship, you know?

Hmm…..the timing of this really just struck me as strange.  I mean, what does that have to do with anything, unless maybe you’re making some assumptions about what I really mean by saying you’re welcome to come over?  I really don’t see the correlation between let’s hang out at your house….yeah, okay…straight to “but you should know I don’t want a relationship right now.”

I’m not sure I’m following this train of thought…?

Anyway, he’s following me to my house, when I start getting a little worried about how this all connects…and I start doubting my choice to have him over at this time of night, after a few drinks…

Once we get to my house, he’s cool.  He starts kissing me and clearly wants to make out.  Umm…call me a tramp, call me Suzy Floozy, yeah whatever, I’m perfectly okay with the making out business.  Hell, I like making out…  I kinda wish there was a making out version of speed dating. 

Speed Making-Out? Who's in?!??

I’ve never been speed dating, but I’ve heard about it and I like to make out so much that I think there should be a speed-make-out thing.  You would get 5 minutes with each “match” to make out and if you both enjoyed it, you could exchange information and decide if you want to get to know each other more and/or maybe just make out a second time…  The safety of this is it’s in a public place with a definitive time limit. 

…because making out with a relative stranger, in my house, for an extended period of time started to freak me out a little.  Not that this is Nurse-guy’s fault.  He wasn’t way out of line or anything…I just started to get a little nervous…  Maybe I didn’t trust him? Maybe I didn’t trust me? And maybe the just-prior-to-coming-over “no relationship” proclamation just made me feel too weird and suspicious?  I don’t know for sure, but I really felt the making out needed to stop and that he should go home. 

…and he did without a problem. So, all was well.  I just had a nagging discomfort that I couldn’t quite define or get past.  So, I re-worded my profile to specify friends only, which isn’t entirely true, as ideally I’d like to meet someone date-able and I’m still undecided as to the relationship thing.  I’m certainly not totally against it, but I’m not necessarily looking for a heavy-duty one either.  Hmm…it really makes me question if I’m even ready to be dating?  I felt uncomfortable with someone I had great dates with who pushed the relationship aspect and I felt equally uncomfortable with someone who was so willing to take it physically as far as I might allow who plainly stated he wasn’t ready for any kind of relationship.   What does that even mean?  What am I even looking for here again?  My thoughts were scrambled as I hopped in bed after Nurse left.

 I’m probably not ready because I’m not sure of the intimacy threshold or physical boundaries within the smack-dab-middle of the options here.  How can I not be sure of even my own boundaries?  And what does that even mean?  Check-list time:

Option one:  Friends who date.  If we hang out as friends who date and there’s an attraction which understandably gets physical, where is that boundary?  There’s no established prior friendship to dictate that.  So if it doesn’t get physical, would we really continue “dating”?  And if it does get physical, then is it beyond friends?

Option two: Just friends.  I’m questioning whether this is a valid option on a dating site at all.  With the popularity of the trendy FWB thing, I somehow am having a difficult time buying into the possibility that many of the guys who write me are truly interested in hanging out with me indefinitely as friends.  If there’s an attraction, then it’s probably going to be acted upon and push the limits of “friendship”.  If there’s no attraction, how often will said guy really want to hang out?

Option three:  Friends who casually date and engage in sexual relations.  Okay, this is pretty much FWB, right?  And I might be okay with that (maybe) with someone whom I’ve known for years and have an established  meaningful friendship.  However, in a new city where I don’t know anyone, that’s not an option….  And aside from that, then it’s basically just two people hanging out and having a casual sex thing, right?  And while I don’t necessarily see anything wrong with that under certain circumstances, I’m not sure I’m okay with that right now either.  It might make me feel rather cheap and/or used. 

Ew.  Which is kind of the feeling I was getting from Nurse-guy…and I didn’t like it.  I really  shouldn’t think that, as I can’t say for sure what his deal is/was.  He was respectful and seemed honest.   I only know that something felt odd for me and that suspicion could very well be it. Something was just off for me in the whole timing of his inviting himself over and immediately saying, I’m not ready for any kind of relationship. That’s okay with me and yet… hmmm?   

This is my brain on online dating" pink, fuzzy and I can't know what might roll!

It makes me realize how fuzzy the whole concept is even to me!  Like, wow..ummm okay, me either, but I wasn’t going to rule it out immediately.  Thinking I’m in more of a let’s just see how it goes place.  Once he firmly established that wasn’t what he wanted, I can respect that, but then to come over and immediately jump into mad-make-out?  I guess if I already knew I didn’t want any kind of relationship, my thoughts about “hanging out” at midnight at someone’s house probably are in the literal sense of cool, let’s hang out as in yay…let’s watch stupid movies, let’s discuss global poverty, let’s color in my Alice and Wonderland coloring book, let’s do yoga, make Rice Krispie treats, knit matching scarves, sing karaoke to cheesy 70’s ballads…you know, hang outIf we’ve established the entire relationship-stance on date one at midnight, then: 1. The mystery is already gone. And 2. I feel a little cheapened to make out with you, at least the heavy-duty can’t-keep-my-hands-off-you making out.  We can keep it light pal or we can go passionately macramé a few exotic plant hangers…your choice!

Macrame' might be fun!

Am I totally contradicted?  Yes, perhaps… and you would not be the first to accuse me of this in my life.  I’m sure that’s surprising, but it’s true.  I’m nothing if not a total and chronic contradiction.  Yeah, and just so you know, when I’m not having crazy passionate one-night stands (after all, that’s as long as they’ll usually “stay”) with that aspect of my personality, it frustrates me too.  It is what it is though. (Insert Popeye here) So, I do feel for how this must play out to others, but it’s also the one aspect of my personality on which we can always depend.

So, I wrote nurse man the next day that I enjoyed our day, but that I felt confident we weren’t a match as friends or otherwise.  This threw Nurse off a little, as I received a “WTF?” response, but except for trying to pin-point where I stand in relation to all of this,   I’m so over the Nurse thing already.  He sucked all the mystery out and then tried to suck my face…and (ahem)other personal areas as well.  No.  It’s been decided. Moving on…

I’m emailing with several people now.  A few are in the pushy let’s-get-together-yesterday category (I’m intentionally taking those excruciatingly slow) a few are in the entirely questionable (I’m mostly being polite) category, one is in the borderline stalker-already (he’s just about to get the “block” ewww!), and two are…ummmm…wait for it……wait for it…

Intriguing and delightful

Seriously.  One fave, I’m way excited to meet and the other, I’m not sure I’ll meet anytime soon if ever…?  Only time will tell!  However, either way, meet them or not, I do know I truly adore them both already!

Solitude in the nude

I came across this the other day while cruising around reading various interesting blogs on here and I loved it! (Would really like to give credit to that blog, but I seem to have lost my way there:( …I’m by no means or definition an expert blogger yet)

It’s a wild make-some-memories Saturday night and instead, I’m enjoying being alone…  Whilst (and who in the HELL uses “whilst” anyway??) sporadically cruising the Internet, watching random bits of cheesy tv movies, and avoiding Jasper the Cat (whom I suspect is silently plotting my “accidental” and lethal fall down the stars before the night is over), I suddenly realized I’ve not checked my dating site mail in days!!! 

Perhaps my last incoming mail of “Yayyyy..another smoker!!”  really just turned me off for a minute?  Perhaps I’m wallowing about in the afterglow of having finally had an interesting and yummy date last night (A few adorable texting sessions today with M from his stops through to Paris probably have encouraged this as well.)?

Lovin' it!! (image via Free Spirit Art! Gallery-Artwork by Steve Hanks)

Whatever the case…  It’s Saturday night in Sin City and I’m just mc’lovin’ staying home, replenishing my diminished water intake, blogging nude, dipping in the pool nude, just running around nude, and enjoying my own fabulous company…DAMN, I’m a cool chick to hang out with…and the nudity thing?  Well, that’s just a bonus!!

M…& M’s are fun!

M got a few bonus points!

I’m so glad I didn’t allow my over-active imagination and the over analytical social worker in me to cancel…

M was fantastic! 

Crazy to think that I had a zillion little possible red flags waving in my mind and yet the whole thing not only went off without a hitch, but I actually enjoyed him..  We had terrific conversations about everything from online dating experiences through Harley Davidson motorcycles all the way to kids and parenting.  It was great!

Once I was in my swimsuit and in his beautiful (way better than mine!) pool, I teased him mercilessly about the “more pics” thing.  he said, Wow..that really bothered you.  Umm yeah…hehe…honey, you’ve NO clue just how much…  No, I didn’t actually say that…gosh!!  And after much discussion, I really and truly feel confident that he was merely very interested in seeing me in a swimsuit and that was that.  It just wasn’t as creepy as I tried to make it and I suppose this highlights vividly the mass difference between the way a man thinks and the way a woman thinks.  I’m okay with it now that I know it was just a typical guy-thing.  I still don’t comprehend that as an initial response to a desire to see someone in a swimsuit, as I still would have taken the more direct approach, but it is what it is…  he is a man after all and I’m not trying to date women or even any man who’s too much like a woman, right?

So… great conversation, he’s an effective listener as well as a generous talker.  He was very relaxed and made me feel totally at ease almost immediately (NOT an easy task with my level of anxiety at going to a strange man’s house in a strange city!)  We had a few drinks, chatted, and then went swimming.  We raced across the length of the pool a few times…he beat me twice by a nose…ughh.  And after minimal coaxing, I even contrived to get him to “kangaroo” race me too…a very ridiculous little game my daughters and I play in our pool-what a great sport!  He was very laid back, not at all pretentious (thank GAWD!), seems to be a good balance in age (i.e.:  old enough for me to take seriously, but young enough not to feel like my dad!), demonstrated interest with zero sense of desperation, and was a fabulous kisser!  Yayyy M!!  Yeah, we made out in the pool…..and in the hot tub…..and in the kitchen….and for a minute on the sofa…..and…..umm….FUN…!!

Seriously pal...don't do it...

He leaves for Paris today on business and I’m jeal-el-el-ous!  Before I left, I asked him to bring me something creatively cool back from Paris…not one of those cheesy Eiffel tower key chains or anything…hehe:-)  It will be interesting to see if he does this and what it will be…

Yeah, I liked him.

“Just-because” sex?

Irresistable attraction...does happen...

Thinking of canceling the “swimming” date with “M”…just can’t shake that funky feeling…  yesterday, I thought, well the worst that can happen is maybe he’ll  “like how I look in a swimsuit” and want sex.  And that’s not typically my thing, but I really just don’t know at this point.  Then I realized that it really all depends on how much (if) I really like him “that way”.  If I genuinely like him, then even if I want to have sex with him, I’ll probably wait.  The quandary for me in that has several concepts.  1.  He can only hurt my feelings with the sex thing if I like like him. 2.  If I don’t and yet am attracted to him like that, I’m okay with just a sex thing.  3. Hell, in that case I’m perfectly okay with just using my body to obnoxiously flirt with him.  4. I’m not having sex with anyone else right now, so what difference would it make?

To be honest with myself, I’m not really sure exactly what I’m looking for anyway with this whole experiment, other than meeting new people.  I’m not in an emotional position to meet someone and fall in love.  That’s not really part of the mission or attraction with this, so that does add a degree of protection around my heart.  If I don’t have feelings for the guy, will it hurt to get used for my body?  Does that kind of thing hurt even if a person’s not interested in any kind of emotional thing anyway?  I really don’t know…

I know this woman is thinking about Matt Damon!

…and maybe (and I’m speaking theoretically here only)I just want to have sex.  There’s nothing wrong with that dammit.  If I like “M”, am having a good time with him tonight, and he just wants my body, and I want to share that with him, then no problem…  He’s not really my type to lust after really…  Not that I didn’t find him physically appealing…I did…  He’s just not “my” kinda lust object.  Sadly for me, my “lust object would have to either look like my ex-boyfriend (yummy) or perhaps look strikingly like Matt Damon, with the wit and intellectual appeal Matt holds  as well.  Because I really can’t decide if I’d find Matt Damon quite as appealing if he wasn’t so wickedly witty and freakin’ intelligent.  Ummm of course he’s adorable to look at, but I was cursed with the whole neuro-gasmic appeal for men.  While I can certainly look at a guy as some delicious eye-candy by appearance alone, I can’t possibly feel undeniably and irresistibly physically drawn to a man who doesn’t have those last two traits.  We’re talking the difference here between, Ummm, yeah, he’s hot and “OMFG, I MUST (throw-my-naked-body-at-his- mercy-pull-his-hair-and-BEG) have him.  Although my physical attraction “look” in a guy varies widely…these other two things are the Holy Grail for me… combine the three…and OMG…that’s where I become putty in a man’s hands.  Yeah, it’s to the point of embarrassingly appealing to me…

M is fairly attractive (read:  he’s “okay”), but I haven’t had enough time with him yet to determine the other two.  It’s clear he’s not stupid by any means, but beyond that, I’ve no real gauge of his intellectual capacity.  And as far as funny, I really don’t know.  I did find it truly odd that he talked to me of reading on women’s pages on the site the frequency which he saw the statement, “If a guy can make me laugh he can have whatever he wants” or something to that effect….  He expressed how strange he felt this was to me.  Honestly, I didn’t know if he thought it odd that women would say “have anything they want(about anything)” or thought the huge attraction to funny guys in general was odd.  Even as he was saying this, I had to stop and think if my page said anything like this because although it’s not safe to say this kind of guy can “have anything he wants” with me…umm…it IS safe to say, that kind of guy has legs (and feet and arms and torsos) up on the rest of the pool of potentials.  A moderately attractive man who can make me laugh becomes promoted to extremely attractive.  Even a relatively unattractive (to me) man often gets all the way to “attractive” in my eyes if he regularly makes me laugh.   It’s just one of those things that can’t be explained, but I have experienced it on several occasions and know it to be a simple fact. Perhaps laughter releases sexual-attraction hormones or something?

So what about this did M find so “odd”?  And is it odd to him because he lacks it and hasn’t experienced the woman who was mildly interested suddenly throwing herself at him after a few good belly-laughs?

Wow!!  I’m babbling out of direction this morning with this… (GAWD…see what just thinking about that kind of thing does to me…Geesh…??!!?) 

My burning inner question actually is the sex with M thing.  If I go swimming with him and feel a physical attraction, I might not be opposed to a let’s just fuck attitude.  And although he has expressed some interest in me, in my opinion, it’s been relatively mild and therefore, this would not be wrong or manipulative to do with him. 

However, if I feel truly attracted to him on several levels(which usually has to be the case in order for me to even want to “just fuck” with wild abandon), then having crazy-spontaneous-WTF-sex with him might leave me open to a vulnerability of getting hurt.   I firmly believe in taking chances in life like this and sometimes getting hurt is part of the experience, but right now, in my current situation being so far from friends, family, and all I’ve ever known, the last thing I need right now is even a mild heart break on top of the rest.   It’s a catch-22 of epic proportions and actually leaves me frightened to go on this “date” tonight.  I even woke at 3 AM this morning with the firm resolve to cancel the whole damned stupid thing rather than risk it.

Usually, that in itself, would be enough to make me just decide to stay home with a bottle of wine and a few good movies tonight.  And yet, I’m still definitely overwhelmingly curious as to how this whole thing might play out – on both his part and my own.  It feels like one of those children’s mystery books with several different possible endings:  If Sally picks A, then continue on to chapter 7.  If Sally picks B, then go to chapter 12…

In my current bored and lonely friendless state, with my freakin’ confounding overly-curious brain, can I resist this kind of mystery?  Should I?  Isn’t this what makes life, life?

Lingering questions and clinically swimming

The Lingerer had left me alone for the past few days.  I was feeling badly about not answering his last text, so I finally responded:

Me: Things have been crazy w/my ex..ughh…and ur last texts didn’t really make much sense 2me..so I haven’t called or txtd lately…

L: What lasts texts(it has been over 5 days….)? Give me a thumbnail of that.  I worked 18 hours on Sat and my head hasn’t been n it since

L: Are u ok? Would a well placed bullet help resolve ur prob? :-)I’m kidding.  I thought you were avoiding me n I was giving u space. (Yes, I was and thank you)

L: Is this thing on? (C’MON???!!??  For the love of God!)

Me (an hour later…and very annoyed): (His name),  I am often doing 20 diff things at once..i rarely sit by my phone waiting around 2 txt..wish ud try 2 understand that..it’s frustrating 2feel so much pressure 2jump on my txt b4 I do other things Im doing

L; That’s why I was giving u space (he’s still just not getting it).  I know u have other things that take precedent over dating.  Im not throwing a tantrum over this believe me (what does that even mean?)

Me:…but if I don’t respond n UR time u txt like its been answered when sometimes ive not even read the txt yet….n u keep saying u understand..but u don’t act like u really do

L:  Guess I’m takin a diff perspective. When I respond 2 txts that have been sent immediately.  Im under the impression that ur still by the phone waiting 4 a response.  Stupid of me 2 assume I guess. (yes it is…gosh…is he finally sorta getting it???)

Me: I just should’t feel that much pressure or stress just by txting w/u..its a bit hard 2deal w/teens dealing w/major changes, deal w/my ex, and my kids activities too while staying a slave 2my phone so I can bsure 2 txt u back n time 4 u not 2feel uncomfortable or neglected.

Me:  I try 2 txt back timely but sometimes I txt n then have 2go do something away frm my phn..n figure np..ill just txt back when I get back 2it.

L: well I hate texting anyway and I thought I mentioned that. But the little things I send after a txt like “is this thing on” are really for my own entertainment (hmmm..well at least someone’s getting entertained by these…)

Me: ok…but u jump 2 conclusions if I don’t answer immed..n last time I had 25 things going at once n I had told u that too

L: I’m not passive aggressive and generally if theres a problem I’m very direct n my approach. If someone says they have things 2take care of I give them the space they need or I offer 2 help. And I don’t think I’ve been nagging u.  well maybe a little but I’ve been waiting 4 ur cue

Me:  well I’m going 2bed now…g’night

L:  sleep well. Kisses…

–I just don’t understand this crap!  I almost want to just ignore him completely, but he’s such a nice person, and I was more attracted to him in person than I thought I would be. And because he’s so genuinely nice, I just feel terrible to blow him off completely.

He’s a small town Midwestern guy (like me).  We seem to have some similarities which are refreshing to me while I’m living here so far from home…  I just can’t quite put my finger on why he annoys me so much the other 50% of the time!! …and it does seem about 50/50 at this point:  50% annoying, 50% redeeming qualities.  He only got a return text because when I finally just ignored his last rambling (at 6:30 AM!!) text, he left me alone for a few days until he heard from me again.  That’s a good sign… He’s at least making some effort not to annoy the living bejeezus outta me!

Update on“M”:  Looks like Friday is swimming night.   He just texted asking if we want to meet out somewhere or at my pool or his.  I just said whatever is fine.   I’m actually just a bit nervous.  The pressure is on to look good in a swimsuit.  I’m not ashamed of my body really, but I’m also not typically a flaunter-type either…  I’m sure to many, my body is effin’ phenomenal and to others, it’s okay but maybe not their “ideal type”.  I lean toward the thin side and that’s certainly not everyone’s idea of perfection… and I’m okay with that.  Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder and particularly when it comes to a woman’s figure.  It just feels oddly strange knowing that this entire “date” came from him asking for a swimsuit pic…and not just him asking to hang out with me…  And why does that even matter??!?  Should it?

I just can’t decide…  but it almost now has a clinical feel to it because it feels as if there is a distinct purpose..not just a general, mutual desire to hang out.

I also can’t shake the questions.  He met me once and then asked for a swimsuit pic….  Does this guy have a big thing for the whole pic thing?  Does he have a long list of girls from the site (and anywhere else too)with whom he shares (and saves) their various pics?  Is he more into having a “thing” with a bunch of girls’ pics or into actually dating someone?  Is he too caught up in virtual-land that that’s become better to him than any reality he could create and share with a real live girl?  What does all of that mean in the dating world? 

For some reason.  a post I recently read about an online date comes to mind with these questions:  An online date leads to sex and immediately after sex, the guy is online checking the dating site.

… And why in the hell do I have to analyze everything?

What goes up…

image via Clker.com

And here is the downside of it all…  I’m certainly not perfect (as any who read this blog I’m sure have already figured out).  Although, I do know and am very confident that in any dating situation, I bring a lot of positive, great stuff to the table… 

I’m considered attractive by most, I’m a pretty good sport in life in general, my intelligence is higher than the average bear, I have a broad and terrific sense of humor, am genuine and honest, and have an innately vibrant energy…all good stuff!

I’m pondering today though…..

I received an email this morning which says, “Thank God…another smoker!”  Umm….what??  Because I’m very honest, I have admitted that I occasionally smoke.  Eeeeek…..I’m so over the whole smoking thing…however, I have not fully conquered the nasty disgusting habit…ughhh…and YUK:-(

I was tempted to be less than honest about this nasty downside because I hope to kick it to the curb fully and hopefully sooner than later… 

Then I get this email today and I realize my honesty will most likely draw smokers to me and push non-smokers away.  In addition, I can sincerely say that my odds of quitting totally, while dating a smoker, are less than optimistic.  So naturally it’s not all that appealing to me to date a smoker…and especially not one who has responded to my “occasional smoker” admission with “YAYYYY…you smoke!!”

On the flip side, were I to deny this habit, then I’d feel like a liar if I got an overwhelming and undeniable urge on a date with an avid non-smoker to sneak off and have a quick little yukky puff (which just recently happened to me with Mr. Favorite)…  Thus, until I’m confident I’ve conquered this fully, I must be honest that there might indeed be moments here and there when I’m not effectively fighting this battle of niocotine addiction. 

This leaves me in a quandary of sorts.  I really would prefer not to date a smoker…and yet, I currently would need someone at least mildly sympathetic to my struggle with nicotine and willing to accept the possibility of an occasional relapse…and that’s most likely only going to come from a smoker.  I certainly wouldn’t expect a non-smoker to kiss me after smoking though…eww..yukk!  And I like kissing, so that does take a bit of the fun out…and yet it also would provide a fabulous motivation for me to NOT indulge in these occasional relapses as well…  Hmmmm….

UPDATE:  M texted me on his way home from work last night asking me to come for a swim, but this week is not looking conducive to a spotaneous evening swim, so I had to decline.

…And I must confess, I giggle a little inside knowing that he must wait for his swimsuit “pic” when I’ve already shared one in virtual public here on my blog.  Ummm…is it proof that my inner bitch is growing bigger and stronger that I get a degree of  delight from knowing that little contradiction and blatant display of favoritism?