Feeling guilty about the lingerer. After our first date, which lasted far longer than it should have, he wanted to cook me dinner. He has roommates, so he asked to cook it at my house. I’ll be honest, my feelings and thoughts about Mr. L are ambivalent at best, so yes, it was in a moment of loneliness, missing my friends back home, and I’ve nothing better to do anyway, that I agreed to this dinner.
I made excuses from the start not to kiss him. I didn’t want to lead him on in my indecision and felt far too ambivalent to pretend to be into the romantic side of this. He’s a pretty good cook and it was a nice dinner. I just wasn’t “in” to it at all though. After dinner he watched a movie, I slept through it, and woke as the movie credits were rolling. Kept hinting at how tired I was, but “thank for the great dinner”… Yeah, it’s only about 11 pm at this point, but in spite of my subtle hints, of course, he lingers.
Finally, he just comes out with it. “Could I stay? Just to be close to you… Hold you?” Really dude, no!
I insisted he leave and he was actually understanding or, more complacent I think is a better description. He’s been texting and calling daily. Sometimes I reply, sometimes I don’t…sometimes I feel guilty and reply hours after the contact attempt, with a very minimal interaction…the least I can respond with and not feel I’m blatantly being rude or mean.
Last night was a rough night in my household. This is a huge transition for us all and I’ll just come right out and confess my ex-husband is being a total jackass idiot on several levels. Smack DAB in the middle of dealing with my oldest daughter sobbing (which she typically does NOT do – ever) about her dad’s idiot action from 5 minutes earlier, Mr. Lingerer calls. I’ve not taken his calls all week…so I feel this is the prime opportunity to take the call (see?? I’m not totally rude and inconsiderate!) and just say(and honestly too), Hey, I’m in the middle of a family crisis right now…I’ll try to call you later.
Okay says Mr. Lingerer… no problem.
He waits awhile…then he texts. The texts start out as concerned-checking-to-see-if-all-is-well and then they quickly escalate to trying to figure out what’s going on with “us” texts!!! WTF??!! NOW???? ARE YOU KIDDIN ME?! All week I’ve been pretty much blowing you off and now, after I tell you I’m right in the middle of dealing with family issues, you want all the answers about “us”?
L: is everything ok?
K(just trying to be considerate and respond with something): Umm…I dunno…I guess yeah…sorry
(as in, “sorry”, I just have other things to do right now than text you about this or ANY thing else pal)
K: I dunno…whatever (as in politely saying, OMFG, I can’t text you right now…GET IT?!)
L (9 minutes after his last text): are you ambivalent about me or is there something going on with your family that’s causing u some anxiety? Either way, I can back off a bit. Whatever u want.
(I don’t respond..I actually AM in the middle of a crap-load of family crisis…..I can’t have this conversation NOW…OMG..and anyway I didn’t even read this..wasn’t by my phone throughout this thing)
L (24 minutes later…Dude!!! SERIOUSLY WTF?): I guess that’s an answer in and of itself.
K(after I’ve just read both messages… an hour later): My phone was charging n I’m kinda dealing w/some stuff 2nite. L……can u pls cut me some slack on the heavy subject 2nite? PLEASE?
L: I wasn’t being dramatic n I know u have more pressing matters . Sometimes u just need space. I can relate. But u do take awhile to respond sometimes. (really? You weren’t? you relate? So WTF then?)
Few more back n forth texts about how he “understands” I have things going on and family always comes first, etc, etc, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH….
The mere fact thatc you KEEP TEXTING and expect a timely response demonstrates CLEARLY that you in fact, do NOT understand, you desperate-acting simpleton! I am not dating to reassure men, to be a slave to my incoming text messages, or to have smoke blown up my ass. You’re clearly and desperately too, saying the “right things” here merely to say them…you aren’t acting on them even as you’re saying them.
In my 20’s, I was still innocent and full of patience and compassion enough to hear this cry of attention for what it was, and take the time, energy, and “Mother Theresa” consideration to put everything on hold in the middle of my own “stuff” , just to be considerate of your feelings and needs. I hate to admit it, but I just don’t have this anymore. Not the desire to do it, nor the amount of selfless consideration it requires. If this makes me a bitch (and I do fear that it sorta does), then it was all the men over the years who have sucked me dry of this who have created this I-wanna-be-more selfish-and-bitchy side of me. …Maybe if we were in a relationship for awhile and you were actually going through something tough of your own, then I might consider dropping what I need to handle at that moment and reassure, coddle, and be considerate of you first… Under those circumstances, I just might dig deep to find this for a man still. However, we’ve had two dates…TWO!
And although I was leaning in this direction anyway prior to this episode of inconsiderate desperation, I can now say with confidence and good reason, there will not be a third date. NO way pal!