Heavy footprints of love and hate

Always one or the other!

It’s love or hate for me…nothing in the middle it seems…

 Having way too much “alone time” this weekend shoves my brain into overdrive.  Wow…  life really has bad timing sometimes, doesn’t it?  There’s just nothing like feeling confused, hurt and kinda sad on a long holiday weekend in a new town, with no friends or family around!

…Reflecting on various things about me, my relationships, and the uncanny and random directions of life paths.

I really believe this!

Apparently I can’t leave well enough alone because I wrote to M apologizing for offending him (although I still really have no idea how I was offensive?!).  It was important to me to write this because I like to think I live a calm, peaceful existence and I have low tolerance for hurting others in any way.  I felt this email was kind and considerate and it would also alleviate my guilt at him feeling “really offended”.

So imagine my surprise when I jump on FB to copy, paste, and mail this email…….and discover M has DELETED me from his FB friends!!

WOW-ZA!  That’s harsh!  With consideration of the fact that he rarely facebooks (yeah, I’m using “Facebook” as a verb…hehe;-) )  I’m shocked that he not only took the time to do this, but also that he would do it at all.  Why?  Was there some fear I was going to get all crazy up on his FB page in public?  Stalk him via Facebook?  No seriously, why?  Why would someone do this? What purpose does this serve under the circumstances? 

Other than sending him one email on there last week, I don’t even utilize FB to communicate with him.  We never have actually, so any concerns that I might make a public fuss or do something stupid or irrational at all, much less on FB,  are surely unwarranted.  So WHY?

It’s silly and shouldn’t matter at all, but I have to confess, it really hurts my feelings.  It just seems mean and petty for the sole purpose of just being mean and petty.  WTF did *I* do that was bad enough or “crazy” enough to eliminate a social networking connection even”?

Apparently when M decides he wants to “just be friends”, then if you feel confused about that, you don’t get to even be a Facebook acquaintance/friend?

Why would he bother to go on a site he never uses anyway to delete me?  Why would this be necessary?  Why?  Why? Why??

Carrying an abundant load of the "Hate" ones here.....and it's heavy!

I wonder what it is about me that makes people love or hate me?  I’m a fairly easy-going person in general… In fact, I think I’m so mild-mannered and passive in general that I’m pretty boring on the surface!  Yet, I swear people either feel strongly about me in one direction or another or they just don’t feel anything at all.  There’s rarely anything in the middle for the people in my life, past or present.  I suppose I should like the fact that obviously I at least invoke feelings of passion in one way or another, right?  I don’t though.  I’m perfectly okay with middle-of-the-road thoughts and feelings and especially for FB friends!  Good GAWD, what kind of friendship “commitment” is FB anyway?  It isn’t. Well except maybe for “those” certain people who bug the living bejeezus out of you on there, but geesh, that’s not me!  I don’t harass people or stalk people or publicly post anything inappropriate.  GEESH…this really hurts my feelings.

I’m flabbergasted by this action and I’m reflecting so much on all the people in my life over the years that were madly in love with me (friends or otherwise) and then ended up just hating me when something happened like the friendship had issues, or we broke up, or whatever…  I can only feel that strongly about people who have hurt me terribly or people who harass me so I feel the need to protect myself from those things ever happening again. Then, I might need to delete a FB friend or hold onto strong feelings about that person out of fear or something. I see how this happens when you have a sordid history with a person and/or fears about that person.  I get that completely…

With all the extra time alone on my hands today, I’m deeply wondering exactly what is it about me that makes me so easy to love and even easier to hate it seems?

Wondering how I seem to inspire so much of this?

For such a peaceful, fun-loving, accepting, “do-gooder” person as I am (and seriously people, I am!!), I think it’s entirely possible at the end of my life that I’m going to have the longest list of haters ever… the kind of list that might be appropriate for political reasons or say, Adolf Hitler sized karma or something of that magnitude. 

GEESH, I don’t have a long list of “oops…probably shouldn’t have done that or said this or treated so-and-so like that”.  I would venture so far as to say the number of people I’ve even inadvertently hurt can be counted on one hand even.  I’m not perfect by far, but I’m extremely sensitive to hurting people or damaging anyone or anything.  I want to leave the lightest footprint in this world as possible, and not just environmentally, but emotionally too.  I love and accept most anyone and everything until that becomes a potential hazard or danger to my peace.  And even then I don’t go on a hate rampage or anything big and terrible; I just quietly keep away and stay away.  It’s of the utmost importance to me that the emotional footprint I leave on people and the world in general be heavy only in positive energies like kindness and love.  I have lived by that creed for as long as I can remember.

So how is this perpetual love/hate me (and mostly hate it seems right now) element even possible?  I don’t know and I don’t like it.  I shouldn’t care so much, I know, I know…  Screw ’em all anyway!  Ughhh…  But I do care.  It’s bothersome and hurtful to know I’m so hated by so many…for no reason

WTF?!

 Anyway, I apologize for this whiney, self-righteous, and probably trivial post.  I’m really struggling with this today!  All the negative energy this creates in my head and my life is not leaving just a gentle footprint on  ME!  Ugh…

10 responses to “Heavy footprints of love and hate

  1. So did you send the email to him at all? I generally delete men I’ve added to facebook when we aren’t dating anymore. I see no reason for them to have a link to look at my life, since my page is private, once deleted, they can’t see what’s going on with me anymore. I generally don’t keep ex’s as friends either, I see no sense in it. I’m pretty careful though with who’s on my facebook friends list however, and usually don’t add guys I’m dating to begin with, I’d rather not know they have 300 female friends leaving them sexy comments on their page every day. Nope… Guys shouldn’t really do facebook for dating purposes. Keep it to friends people, actual friends!

    I’m wondering what you said exactly that could make him go off like he did though. From what I can tell, he’s playing another game, he wants you to apologize, feel guilty, and in a sense, turn this around so it’s your fault, not his. I’m afraid you have fallen for this trick, I’ve had it played on me quite a few times, and after I’m like “WTF? did I really fall for that?” and I’m angry. Mr. NY was GREAT at this game, an expert! Ugh… dating games.

  2. You know those song lyrics that say, “you gotta know when to fold ’em”?

    I’ve been keeping up with your M-capades, and I say this in the nicest way possible, but I really think it’s time to let this one go. I know you like him, but look at how much drama you’ve had.

    Why continue?

    Is it REALLY worth it for someone you really don’t know all that well?

    • You’re so right and I’m not in love with him or anything, so I really don’t know why I’ve continued at all OR allow it to upset me so much….
      I guess in my lifetime, I just haven’t met very many people who I enjoy being with (as in just hanging out, really) as much as I do him…and yet it’s not even really a “romantic” thing..so it’s just kinda bizarre, I know…
      I also have a penchant for always wanting to figure out mysteries and this has sure been one confounding mystery to me almost from the start…probably a bad combination here…?! UGHHHH 😦

      • Ummm…. I used to be an evolutionary biologist. Tell me tells you something….

        Scientists have been trying to figure out the “mystery of love” for hundreds of years. I think you might have to live with the fact that there are some things you will never figure out. 😉

  3. I did send it anyway….It was kind and sincere and I meant it..but I did add a little “PS…OMG..u deleted me?!!??” at the bottom…bc I was just shocked. It might make sense to delete a FB friend if you’re a frequent FB-er and don’t want ppl to see what’s going on in your life, but he’s NOT…I mean like almost zero FB activity..not even sure why he has one even…so deleting me really seems just mean…
    I really don’t know wtf I did…I mean, I did accuse him of playing some sorta mean head game with me, told him I had a date for Sunday (merely indicating that I wasn’t TRYING to make him my bf or husband for gawd’s sake!) and told him that I thought it was comical that HE was “offended” being that I didn’t play any games with him ever…but other than that, I mostly just said “what the heck IS this about?, I’m confused, blah, blah, blah…” He also said he was “really torturing” himself about making this choice and that it was “really hard” for him to do.. I didn’t take that very seriuously though….. and I feel badly that I didn’t. he’s not a horrible guy, I’m sure whatever is up with this/him *has* really been hard for him. I regretted not being more compassionate about that confession (thus, the email)..
    Yeah, it might have been a turn the tables thing, but I think the fact that he deleted me from a site he *rarely* goes on shows he REALLY WAS deeply offended… and geesh..wtf pal?!!
    Thinking he’ll just delete and ignore my email anyway…so what a waste of time and energy even writing the damned thing…ughhh 😦

  4. He sounds like a a very mature individual, who has to play these games with people to make himself feel better about himself. And unfortunately, you played into it.
    Chalk it up to a learning experience, but remember what happened so you don’t play into it again!

  5. …and I meant to write immature!!

  6. Girl, you are telling me. It sucks when you find out you’ve been defriended! This is not guy-related, but recently I realized my ex fiancee’s mom (um, would have been my mother-in-law if we’d gone through with the wedding) had unfriended me on Facebook. Considering she was like another mother to me for seven years, I was really offended – especially since the breakup was not my fault. It was just like huge chapter of my life was just taken away and like I lost a good friend.

    Anyway, I don’t say any of this to imply that you would have similar feelings of loss from M unfriending you, lol, I say it to share that yes, it friggin’ sucks when someone unfriends you on Facebook. I say boo to M.

  7. Facebook and this unfriending business is just another way for the Hallmark world to make us feel unloved and unwanted. It is as evil as Valentine’s day and as cruel as being broken up with via text. Technology has only increased the variety of ways in which we can stab each other heart.

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