Kindly define “slut”, please? (emphasis on KINDLY)

I should wear this as a fair warning!

Oh the shame…  I am a POS for sure! What the FUCK is the matter with me? I freakin’ define the essence of a hypocrite!  Everything I believe in and hold dear as a moral conscientious way of life, I just defy as though it’s merely a challenge to see how far I can go to disgust myself.

Yuk.  I am yuk.

Twin is so terrific!  So kind to me.  So what I clearly don’t deserve.

I finally, after a great deal of asking, conceded to hang out with a guy I’m friends with, whom I did have sex with a few times long ago.  I really wanted to be friends with this guy, as we always have fun together…

Wait, maybe that’s just fun sex?  There was a point in time after I first met this guy that I thought perhaps I might actually be into him.  Into him as in like him, want something with him, etc., etc…

But I really don’t think I do.  I mean, I like some things “about” him.  I like that he is motivated and driven for self-improvement.  I like that he’s a dedicated father to his son. His looks are just a bit above okay; definitely not my kinda gorgeous, but appealing for sure.

I don’t like:  he is pretentious, talks of money constantly ( umm…a HUGE no-no from where I come from; one does not speak of money – it’s “trashy”): as in who has it, who doesn’t,  how much he hopes to make..  He’s a name-dropper (Oh GAWDDDD!).

WTF?

He kept saying, we have to hang out, Kay, when are you free Kay?, what are you doing this weekend Kay?  Want to meet up for happy hour Kay?

And I kept dodging it.  Why?  Because I know that I like having sex with him.  I know that he really likes having sex with me.  I know that I’m not so into sex with the Twin…and I get that this combination is simply a recipe for disaster under the circumstances.  No, he’s not the ex by far, but well, yeah, he’s a definite runner-up.

After months of dodging, I finally deceived myself into hanging out with him and submerging myself in the denial of I can keep it non-physical. However, disinterested in Twin I am physically, I’m not “that” girl.  I’m no cheater, scandalous vixen.  I’ve no desire to hurt Twin.  No desire to disrespect him or his kindness. No ability to tread on his heart like I’m incidentally squashing a bug under my shoe (which I ironically actually try to avoid in itself as well- literally).

No.  I am scum after all.  I cheated on Twin. I feel disgusted with myself.  And gosh, NOW how can I attempt a healthy sexual relationship with Twin??  With all this guilt and shame of cheating?

Did I cheat?  You know what sucks to me about relationships at this era in my life?  How do you know?  What are the boundaries of the unspoken?  It’s not like back in the younger years where you ask, Will you be my girlfriend (i.e., meaning will you not date anyone else?).  That doesn’t seem to be said outright.  It’s more of an unspoken thing, I think?

Because the only semi-conversation about this I’ve had with Twin was when my girlfriend’s buddy was hard core hitting on me one night when I wasn’t with Twin and she says to Twin a few days later, I think you’ve got some competition.  To which Twin replies, Kay’s a big girl.  She can make her own choices.

I don’t know what that means!  I like the non-possessive stance!  I like the implied trust (oh geesh, did I just say TRUST?) factor of that response.  I like the adult-like feeling of hey, yup, we are grown -ups now.  No one can force another to be faithful.  It’s always a choice. There is no sense in tantrum throwing insane jealousy behavior.  We are not chained.  It’s a choice we make to be together, to be faithful.

I really liked Twin’s response to this little gauntlet thrown by my friend.  Perfect response actually!

So, does this mean I owe Twin a confession of my spontaneous (yes my denial is still in there!) tryst with Mr. Pretentious?  What will Twin do?  Will he just say, Choice made dear…see ya…?  Will he just think, Hmm…so it’s all fair game now? YAY??!!  Will he say, Wow!  You’re just a nasty hateful tramp, huh?  F*$# off Kay! And if so, might that be for the best?

I don’t know.  I mean, I really don’t know!  I can only imagine it certainly won’t feel good for Twin. I’m positive it’s not going to give him that warm, loving, trusting (EEK…there it is again!) feeling…

I’m sure anyone who reads my blog or has gotten to know me somewhat through my confessions here might be disgusted with me after this.  I don’t blame you.

How dare I date?  How dare I try to presume the stance of being a nice person just hoping to meet a nice guy to spend some quality time with?  How dare I?!

In spite of the clear lack of morals I’ve demonstrated with this, I’m not one who holds guilt well.  My shame will always tell on me.  I mean, I really DO have a conscience which desires to harm nothing; to treat others as I hope to be treated, to always tread softly in regard to people’s feelings.

My head spins heavy among daggers of guilt, fear and not knowing the damage (or lack thereof?) done.

Ewwwwww….I’m yukky and disgraceful.  Selfish and scandalous.

I’m really sorry.

3 responses to “Kindly define “slut”, please? (emphasis on KINDLY)

  1. At first I was all prepared to be outraged, as I tend to be by blog posts about cheating, but it does seem like maybe this falls into a gray area if you and Twin hadn’t actually agreed on being exclusive. I think it’s still perfectly possible to have an exclusivity conversation at any age, and I don’t like vagueness so I made a point of casually bringing this up with my now-girlfriend after we’d been dating for a few weeks.

    So I don’t think you need to label yourself as a yucky person – that won’t do anyone any favours. Sometimes when people say “I’m bad” they just seem to follow that up with “oh well, there’s no redemption for me – might as well carry on being selfish.” I’d encourage you instead to own your choices and do what feels right to you from here.

    I’m not exactly sure what that would be though. I feel like Twin deserves to know that you had sex with someone else after dating him for two or three months, but I’m not sure how it would be best for you to let him know. Maybe find a way to bring up the fact that you don’t see the two of you as being exclusive at this point? This might sound like a cliche, but try to put yourself in his shoes. If he thought you were nice in some ways, but that you sucked in bed, and if he’d just had sex with someone else who hit the spot better, what would you want to do? And also, do you really think you want to continue being with him given that you have these thoughts and now this history? If I were in your shoes or in his shoes I think I’d want to finish things and look for a more complete match.

  2. As usual, thank you Matt!!! Thank you so very mch for taking the time to read and comment here. I value your input highly! I simply must tell Twin. He deserves *that* at the least and then I suppose I have to quietly accept whatever choice he makes regarding our relationship after knowing what I’ve done. The ball needs to be thrown into his court to do as he sees fit for his own best interest. eek!!! I dread this. I know it will hurt him, even though he kinda tries to pretend to be nonchalant about “other guys”. I think it’s because he doesn’t doubt for a moment that I’m a really good person who would never give him reason to doubt or mistrust me. But honestly, (not just a denial thing here), I don’t know how upset he’ll really be (or not?) since we have never definied the boundaries of our relationship. We are dating. And we’ve slept together a few times (not nearly as often as he’d like to though!). That’s been the past 3 months and neither of us seemed eager to lable it anything specific.
    I hate labels anyway!!! Ughhh!
    Will muster up the courage to have a disclosure chat with him this weekend and pray he’s not too hurt. I do like him so much!!

  3. Well done for having the courage to have that chat with him – not an easy thing to do, but hopefully it’s for the best whichever way it goes. I hope it turns out well in one way or another – good luck!

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