Tag Archives: Onine dating

Update: Colonel Mustard called for you

Aka Mr. SOB (Sarcastic, obnoxious, bully) texts this morning in a lovely little:

 last day for the lake…wanna come with?

Awww…how precious!  Not even a hint of sarcasm or his obnoxious nature.  And yet, somehow, it just still feels pushy!!  Last day??  Really?  Who says?  Do the lakes in Nevada close for the season in late July?  Has the alarm sounded and I didn’t even hear it?  Like milk, does his boat and/or invite have an expiration date?  What he obviously is unable to comprehend is that he has passed his expiration date and is way too sour and stinky in my mind now for me to even comprehend of enjoying much anything about him.  Ewwww…

Now I wonder…  Would I have perceived this as “pushy” were it not for all the other shoves, sarcastic jabs, and purely obnoxious ME FIRST! ME FIRST! behaviors?  I think not, but ahhhh..you poor SOB guy…now the mere thought of you leaves a sour taste on my tongue and you poor, poor creature, you just have  no clue.   Hey Dude…Professor Plum called, he said to GET A CLUE!

Considered writing him an email “delicately” explaining why his text behavior has been offensive and  why I therefore feel relatively certain without even ever meeting him in person that we just won’t be a good match.  I don’t think he has earned that much consideration or effort, but the humane, soft-hearted girl in me almost wants to offer him a consolation prize wrapped up in “Here’s a clue for you, pal!”  However, his character seems one that would most likely be angry and defensive to this kind of thing, as opposed to seeing it as the eye-opening (ok..ok…and hopefully humbling!!) gift it would be intended as.

Nahh..I’ll just take the safe, albeit inhumane, path and ignore him.  Why should I stick my neck out there to offfer him a leg-up with his dating/communication technique?  I’m sure as hell not going to date him!  Anyway, the majority of men I’ve known who aren’t even “SOB’s” don’t respond well to constructive criticism, I simply can’t imagine how this guy would take to it!

Mr. Pushy


I’ve broadened the age limit in my profile by about 10 years in either direction of my age because:
1: I haven’t dated an older man since I was in high school, so I know nothing about those creatures.
2. I’m hearing  a lot lately about how MILF’s are the coolest up-n-coming thing…  
3. And anyway, who am I to age discriminate?

…Get a few messages from a guy about 5 years older than I. His profile looks fun, he looks active, intelligent, and he’s attractive enough to warrant a brief second glance. Okay….let’s see what this guy’s about…

A few rather generic but acceptable, email exchanges and we exchange numbers. We have one nice conversation and then the way more modern (and typically much preferred by me, I might add)texting begins. This continues for a few days… The guy seems pretty cool! I’m considering a real live meet-n-greet….

Until….one morning I’m in the middle of talking to all the fun utilities (electric, gas Internet, water, etc) people…getting everything started and in my name as is necessary when one first moves. I dread this, but it must be done… I’m spending most of my time on hold and answering ridiculously mundane questions and such. While in this process ,which takes almost an hour total (again…ughh…), Mr. Guy sends a few texts. I don’t answer them because I’m in the middle of something, thinking I’ll just text back when it’s all over…

When I’m finished, I read the texts which came in while I was busy and I find that within a matter of 20 minutes of no return text, Mr. Guy has transitioned into Mr. Sarcastically Shitty Rude! Are you kidding me?! He’s bored at the DMV and must think I’m the newly assigned Bored-at-the-DMV Entertainer, as though I owe him texts at all, much less within the boundaries of his time expectations demands. WTF?

Annoying… And the meet-n-greet idea wagon starts to slowly rumble off into the hot desert horizon…

Trying to withhold judgment, I politely explain why I didn’t text back immediately. I mean, maybe he was just overly frustrated with waiting at the DMV…and who hasn’t been at some point? It doesn’t necessarily have to mean he’s a jerk… right?

Issue 2: At my ex’s with the kids, enjoying a little family time with his extended fam. Yes, we all get along well and I’m so delighted and grateful that we do.
Text from Mr. Guy…. I respond telling him I’m spending a little time with my ex in-laws. He immediately responds with, “ How ‘civilized’”. Gawwwddd…. Well… My! My! My! This guy just gets more charming with every interaction.  After I wiped the oozing sarcasm which was dripping bitterly off my phone in order to respond to His Loveliness, I declined to respond at all. It just seemed too inappropriate to warrant an acknowledgement.  Anyway, I was raised that if I had nothing nice to say, the correct thing is to say nothing at all.  And, nothing it was…

So, several factors here are making me question his personality a little at this point. One, he seems a bit like a real jackass self-consumed and even perhaps a bit of a douche-bag self-inflated…. NOT so much what I’m interested in at this point in my life…ughhh…. But I’m still trying to think of the good things and possibilities and refrain from judging him entirely on these.  After all, they’re just texts- the tone of “voice” can be so easily misinterpreted and such…

Issue 3: Mr. Guy texts me last night, wanting to meet for a drink. Umm….I’m not in the mood for that right at the moment so, I say I’ll think about it and get back to him soon…until I realize he means in like, 45 minutes!!! I text him back jokingly (well, sorta joking…) referring to him as Mr. Last-Minute-Invite…and he responds by asking me if I’m “not a spontaneous type girl “. Ummmm…excuse me?  Oh kind, charming, obviously well-bred, and oh-so-considerate dude, let me help you out with a little etiquette lesson:  There is a vast difference between being a “spontaneous-type girl” and responding affirmatively to meeting a guy you’ve never met before at a last-minute invite which came in around 5 pm on a Saturday night. He then texts that he’s “driving and can’t text”, asking if I would call him? I think, “Okay…you bet…sure thing pal…”  Quite honestly though, I’m smack dab in the middle of a fun, flirty, and interesting text exchange with Mr. McHotstuff right at this very same time, so I’m going to finish up my current text and then politely call my pal as he requested and discuss this last-minute invite business… However, before I can even finish typing my current text, I get another text from Mr. OMG-YOU-ARE-SO-FREAKIN-PUSHY-SARCASTIC-AND-OBNOXIOUS-NOW-guy which simply says, “Um..Guess not.”   Huh???!!! Hey Your Rudeness….It’s been (literally) less than 30 freakin’ seconds since you even asked me to call you!  My GAAWD….is this guy for REAL??   It becomes crystal clear to me why this man is single!  Seriously dude, WTF?!    YOU.      ARE.      AN.      IDIOT.

STRIKE THREEEEEEE!!!!!! Another one out. I will never communicate with Mr. Pushy Obnoxiously-Self-Centered-and-Inappropriately-Sarcastic guy again.  I was so pretty much over this whole exchange with you anyway, but  now….No way!  It’s so clear why you are single!

…and another one bites the dust…

Swimming without trunks

He sends me a clever little ice breaker message about a fun local band. We send a few emails back and forth, then a few texts, then a couple of phone calls. A few little warning flags went up during our first phone conversation, as in tiny little fluttering parade-sized flags, barely flapping in the wind. Not entirely sure if they appear tiny because the parade is so far away from me at this point or if they actually are those little “not to worry” club sandwich sized flags? At the least, he seems harmless and at the most, he seems interesting enough to get to know better…
First date set. I’m mildly intrigued about the guy and very interested in getting out and about for my first time since moving to Vegas!
I meet him at a nearby casino on Saturday night. He was right: the band/show really is a blast! He seems pretty cool too…having a nice time overall. I’m a little reserved and quiet though. Nervous? Maybe a tad, but not really..more like I just need a few Red Bulls and vodka to muster up the energy to actually get “into” this date. I’ve always been of the 3-drinks-and-everyone -is –my-new-best-friend variety, so I make friends with this couple standing (room-only) near our table, dancing around like my could-be newest and most fun Vegas friends. I invite them to sit with us…the more the merrier!
My new BFF, April, asks how we met…. We tell her “online” and this is our first date. Although I expect some gasping and shocked looks, thankfully, no one expresses any kind of surprise at all. On ladies room joint visit #3 or 4, April even decides to open up to me and tells me a little of her own online-dating experiences. No, she didn’t meet her husband like that, but she did meet a couple of interesting characters online.
She tells me about one guy from online she dated a few times with whom she had become physically intimate. Apparently dude has a sexual fetish of only wanting to “finish” on her face. Nope, wasn’t a one-time thing it seems. Not an “oh my God I’m so turned on by you, I wanna get KINKY!” thing…nope! Seems the guy was not at all interested in any sort of sexual intercourse or fun shenanigans…not even prior to his finish. He just wanted to run the race all on his own, get to the finish line… and finish on her face. Hmmmm…. I’m not sure what to think of this so I just show what I think amounts to the appropriate looks and sounds of shock and disgust (not that I had to really fake this), coupled of course with some pertinent questions about the experience. I gotta know more… I mean, I’ve never even thought of this possibility! What are the warning signs of this? How can I see this guy coming from a mile away please?
On a scale of 1-10, my enjoyment level of my date up to this point was hovering somewhere between a 4 and 6. However, I return to my date from bathroom trip #3 or 4 with a deep appreciation(unbeknownst to him) of his newly elevated status of at least he’s not the finish on your face guy.

We wrap up the date nicely, dancing with my new BFF and her husband. I’ve had a few drinks and I’m grateful when he offers to drive me home. We arrive to my house and decide to go swimming. No, he doesn’t have his trunks, but no worries… I’m okay with him swimming in his boxers. We swim awhile, make out a little in the pool. Now this to me starts to feel a little like one of those highly overrated soft-porn scenes from a rated-R movie that brings adolescent boys back to see the same movie again and again, but I’m going with it… Hell, at least he’s not you-know-who

After some amateur movie acting, a few more drinks, and some questionably better-than-the-book-I’m-reading conversation, I allow him to stay the night. Not for sexual reasons obviously…
All goes safely and he’s a gentleman for the most part. He even mentions needing to brush his teeth first thing in the morning. Hooray for good dental hygiene!! Bonus points because he quickly tells me he does not intend on asking to use my toothbrush, but has those handy little quick-brush-on-your-fingertip thingies. Okay. Good… Thank God! Although we did swap spit the previous evening, I’m certainly not at all prepared to share my toothbrush with him.
However in the morning, in spite of his admirable respect of oral hygiene and his Boy Scout preparedness, I kinda just want to be alone and quietly enjoy my morning and the down-side is these very things have rendered him able to enact in his next starring role as…The Lingerer….
Or have they? Seriously, pal? Thanks for the evening. I rate it an overall 5. So you’re not doing too terribly bad to this point. Now, when are you gonna go home? Your rating is dropping by the minute here…