Category Archives: Temptation

Soul searching…and spinning…

I couldn’t keep my discretion to myself.  I told Twin what happened with my old friend.  Twin was clearly hurt and quietly upset, but handled it well.  I almost thought maybe I hadn’t needed to even tell him, such was his quiet demeanor.  He asked a few basic questions, Was that Thursday when I couldn’t reach you?  Was that pack of cigarettes I asked you about his?

All of which I answered honestly:  Yes, yes, yes….  I’m so sorry.  I really feel horrible.  I’m sick to my stomach.  You deserve much better. So on and so on.

And Twin kept saying, we don’t have to talk about this right now.  I would respond, I’ll lose my nerve if we don’t.  I just feel so dirty and ashamed.

I felt even more like trash when I texted my friend and told him how guilty I felt for what had happened and that I’d felt my boyfriend deserved to know.  And my friend responded, WHAT?!!!   I wasn’t aware you were still dating him.  You didn’t mention it so I assumed you weren’t seeing him anymore or I never would have gone so far. I was hoping to keep seeing you, I just wanted to take it slow because there are kids involved. I really like being with you, sexually and otherwise.  I always have.

I just responded it wasn’t his fault, I was sorry and that I really had some soul searching to do.

OMG….I just suck.  Now, I’ve hurt two people!  And I never intended to hurt anyone!!

The next day Twin asked if we could talk again.  He came over and was so kind and understanding.  So much so, I  just felt worse and worse.  He asked if it was a test; was I testing him?  Did I have feelings for this guy?

I don’t know, Twin.  I’ve been friends with him so long, of course I have feelings for him, but I have no clue exactly what they are.  I mean, I have feelings for you too.  I really care so much about you and I don’t understand how this happened.

Twin talked about how he was scared of his feelings for me after all that his ex-wife had done.  He talked of being in love with me and how difficult it was for him to have such strong feelings. He asked if maybe this was his fault because he wasn’t excessively demonstrative of his feelings for me.

NO!  That’s not it, Twin.  You’re wonderful to me!  And I didn’t want to hear any of this. I just didn’t know the appropriate response.

Then Twin wants to make out…or more… or whatever!  AHHH GEESH! NO, NO, NO!!  WTF?!  This seriously annoys me and my guilt just quadruples at my annoyance.  Ughhhh….I can’t escape this disastrous mess!

Twin and I fall asleep on my sofa.  I’m restless though and have weird dreams and I awake around 4 AM to him trying to kiss me again….OMFG….NOOOOOOOO!

I make excuses and grab my phone.  There’s a text message from late the evening before after I had fallen asleep.  It’s my friend and he has simply texted, I think you and I should be together!  Or at least give it a try.

Whoaaaaaaaaa….my head starts spinning…reeling even!  And Twin is right next to me, so I close the text and toss the phone aside, trying to mask my serious shock and mass confusion.

I really need Twin to leave.  My thoughts, my emotions were swirling around so fast I felt like the world was turning so fast.

I knew there has always been a huge chemistry between my friend and I, from the moment we were introduced, there was electricity.  We had gone on a few dates years ago even after we first met, but I was still carrying on with my ex-boyfriend (THE ex….the absolute one and only love of my life), so I was emotionally unavailable to the extreme.  Thus, it never went anywhere, except to create some friction between friend and I for a while.

And since then, I’ve just never thought of dating friend.  Yeah, the attraction is undeniable and perhaps I should have realized that once my vastly resilient bond to THE ex-boyfriend loosened, that this might happen.  I just wasn’t thinking…..obviously.  I mean clearly NOT thinking AT ALL.

GAWDDDD, what a mess I’ve made!

Kindly define “slut”, please? (emphasis on KINDLY)

I should wear this as a fair warning!

Oh the shame…  I am a POS for sure! What the FUCK is the matter with me? I freakin’ define the essence of a hypocrite!  Everything I believe in and hold dear as a moral conscientious way of life, I just defy as though it’s merely a challenge to see how far I can go to disgust myself.

Yuk.  I am yuk.

Twin is so terrific!  So kind to me.  So what I clearly don’t deserve.

I finally, after a great deal of asking, conceded to hang out with a guy I’m friends with, whom I did have sex with a few times long ago.  I really wanted to be friends with this guy, as we always have fun together…

Wait, maybe that’s just fun sex?  There was a point in time after I first met this guy that I thought perhaps I might actually be into him.  Into him as in like him, want something with him, etc., etc…

But I really don’t think I do.  I mean, I like some things “about” him.  I like that he is motivated and driven for self-improvement.  I like that he’s a dedicated father to his son. His looks are just a bit above okay; definitely not my kinda gorgeous, but appealing for sure.

I don’t like:  he is pretentious, talks of money constantly ( umm…a HUGE no-no from where I come from; one does not speak of money – it’s “trashy”): as in who has it, who doesn’t,  how much he hopes to make..  He’s a name-dropper (Oh GAWDDDD!).

WTF?

He kept saying, we have to hang out, Kay, when are you free Kay?, what are you doing this weekend Kay?  Want to meet up for happy hour Kay?

And I kept dodging it.  Why?  Because I know that I like having sex with him.  I know that he really likes having sex with me.  I know that I’m not so into sex with the Twin…and I get that this combination is simply a recipe for disaster under the circumstances.  No, he’s not the ex by far, but well, yeah, he’s a definite runner-up.

After months of dodging, I finally deceived myself into hanging out with him and submerging myself in the denial of I can keep it non-physical. However, disinterested in Twin I am physically, I’m not “that” girl.  I’m no cheater, scandalous vixen.  I’ve no desire to hurt Twin.  No desire to disrespect him or his kindness. No ability to tread on his heart like I’m incidentally squashing a bug under my shoe (which I ironically actually try to avoid in itself as well- literally).

No.  I am scum after all.  I cheated on Twin. I feel disgusted with myself.  And gosh, NOW how can I attempt a healthy sexual relationship with Twin??  With all this guilt and shame of cheating?

Did I cheat?  You know what sucks to me about relationships at this era in my life?  How do you know?  What are the boundaries of the unspoken?  It’s not like back in the younger years where you ask, Will you be my girlfriend (i.e., meaning will you not date anyone else?).  That doesn’t seem to be said outright.  It’s more of an unspoken thing, I think?

Because the only semi-conversation about this I’ve had with Twin was when my girlfriend’s buddy was hard core hitting on me one night when I wasn’t with Twin and she says to Twin a few days later, I think you’ve got some competition.  To which Twin replies, Kay’s a big girl.  She can make her own choices.

I don’t know what that means!  I like the non-possessive stance!  I like the implied trust (oh geesh, did I just say TRUST?) factor of that response.  I like the adult-like feeling of hey, yup, we are grown -ups now.  No one can force another to be faithful.  It’s always a choice. There is no sense in tantrum throwing insane jealousy behavior.  We are not chained.  It’s a choice we make to be together, to be faithful.

I really liked Twin’s response to this little gauntlet thrown by my friend.  Perfect response actually!

So, does this mean I owe Twin a confession of my spontaneous (yes my denial is still in there!) tryst with Mr. Pretentious?  What will Twin do?  Will he just say, Choice made dear…see ya…?  Will he just think, Hmm…so it’s all fair game now? YAY??!!  Will he say, Wow!  You’re just a nasty hateful tramp, huh?  F*$# off Kay! And if so, might that be for the best?

I don’t know.  I mean, I really don’t know!  I can only imagine it certainly won’t feel good for Twin. I’m positive it’s not going to give him that warm, loving, trusting (EEK…there it is again!) feeling…

I’m sure anyone who reads my blog or has gotten to know me somewhat through my confessions here might be disgusted with me after this.  I don’t blame you.

How dare I date?  How dare I try to presume the stance of being a nice person just hoping to meet a nice guy to spend some quality time with?  How dare I?!

In spite of the clear lack of morals I’ve demonstrated with this, I’m not one who holds guilt well.  My shame will always tell on me.  I mean, I really DO have a conscience which desires to harm nothing; to treat others as I hope to be treated, to always tread softly in regard to people’s feelings.

My head spins heavy among daggers of guilt, fear and not knowing the damage (or lack thereof?) done.

Ewwwwww….I’m yukky and disgraceful.  Selfish and scandalous.

I’m really sorry.

Watereach: the newest, most succulently indecisive fruit-on-the-fence

It just makes sense, right?!

It’s Christmas 2011. I’ve finagled to be alone; somewhat out of consideration for my ex-husband to have family time alone with the kids and somewhat because (I confess) I really am not a fan of the holiday season. I get dark and nostalgic, moody and overwhelmed, sensitive and regretful. Yes…regretful. I crave alone time because I don’t like to risk rubbing off my pitiful aura onto anyone else’s holiday enjoyment. Plus, overall, it’s just embarrassing to me that a person with a sunny disposition as myself would fall prey to the ridiculously blue sensitivity of the holidays! Embarrassing! …and I don’t confess this to anyone. I pretend and I smile and I suck it in as long as I’m able to do so without imploding and when I’m ultimately exhausted, I just have to duck out. Take a break. Go within all by myself. Cry, pray, laugh, whatever…

I started writing about a few of the dates/”relationships” I’ve had in my time away from my blog. However, I feel uninspired. There are certainly some comical, interesting people and situations to write of; I just can’t get into it for some odd and unusual reason! I wanna spill the beans on these freaks, all their quirks, and silliness….and naturally, I feel simultaneously compelled to spill MY quirks and silliness that have reared their preposterous heads during these experiences as well…but WTF is wrong with me?! I have NO direction right now. NONE.

We’ve recently moved. So, while at happy hour on a recent Friday, I investigated my new neighborhood pubs. Directly across from the local airport and a hop, skip, and jump from home, is a little hole in the wall pub. I ring up my buddy Lar and we meet up there. I’m so very glad we did! I met the nicest lady, Janet. Janet is timelessly pretty and has a terrific upbeat, honest and open personality. She also lives and works quite close so she knows a great deal of the local folk who frequent this place. Such a great way to meet people!! I’m talking to Lar and Janet…mostly Janet… when a dark haired guy sits on the other side of Janet. I vaguely recognize him from way back in my youth as an older acquaintance of my high school boyfriend. I’m kinda nosey…leaning over now and then…listening to and poking into their conversation just a bit; wondering if this guy will recognize me at all and more importantly, wondering if he’s at all interested in talking to me. He does not recognize me and I love that! I feel really free and flirty because he doesn’t recall me whatsoever. I suffer from the “quadruple threat”; having a face, name, voice, and personality which rarely allow me any anonymity even after just one single meeting with most people. This guy not only doesn’t seem to recall me at all, but, he’s not really paying much attention to me either, which of course really raises my interest a few levels beyond mildly interested… as anything that feels remotely challenging typically does for me. Hey!! This blog is my place for bold, blatant and blaring honesty. Yeah, I’m that girl sometimes. I hate that I am…but yes, I am. I can’t resist a challenge…or anything that seems like it even might offer a challenge.

So, when Janet and Lar begin discussing something over/across me which I’m just not so much interested in, I grab the opportunity to say, Gosh, maybe Janet and I should switch places?! Janet laughs and agrees, so BAM! There I am next to the guy…Mr. (paying little to no attention to me) Challenge. Hmmmmmm….. Now I’m interested. We start chatting. I’m enjoying guy. He’s interesting and attractive, not my kind of attractive, but attractive nonetheless! He’s clearly not an idiot, has a good job, and can hold his own in a conversation with a mildly drunken, easily distracted blonde chick playing a mind game of sorts. Kudos to guy. As I’m the first to admit, this is not an easy task. I’ve got naughty trying-to-be-a-comedian-Santa begging for my attention and some young 20-something fella I met outside, buying me “holiday shots”, as if I’d ever, EVER need those!! Yup, it’s going well, really. And it’s not just the anonymity and challenging intrigue! Okay, well it might be. But, I’m not sure just yet. I’m just having a blast!! We laugh and talk and we learn that we have a major experience in common…getting totally screwed by Jeff Vanderstelt, Attorney at Law. Oh the topics of discussion….! We do exchange numbers and I don’t mention that we kinda sorta know each other from many, many lifetimes ago. I’m not entirely sure though how I feel about this guy though. I mean, once we get past the game itself, the challenge, the Oh is he interested in me or not? Excitement, how do I feel? What do I think of him actually? Yeah, I’m just not sure. He has my number. We’ll see how it goes… Guy calls me the next day. I don’t answer. I’m not sure what I think so I have to figure that out first, right? He texts the next day, Can’t wait to see you again. When are you free? Ughhh…it’s the (blech) holidays, birthdays, all of the stress, and work too…..ughhh. I keep blowing it off. ..He keeps trying and trying. Wow…how do I feel about that? I’m just not sure.

A week later, I made plans with my new friend Janet to meet at the bar for happy hour. So I text him that I’m doing so if he’s interested in meeting up. Yup, he is. Yay! I’ll get to investigate my feelings and thoughts about guy further with a lovely safety cushion of my new friend, just in case I need to blow him off and/or make a quick but polite getaway… Guy shows up. We are having a terrific time! Feelin’ kinda bad I’m hardly talkin to Janet, but she has another friend there too, so it’s all good really. This is weird. I like being with him. I’m not faking it at all. He’s not really my “type” to any extreme. He is in many ways, but he isn’t in just as many…or more. I can’t figure this out. I’m having fun though so it’s all good. He says the sweetest things and he makes me smile. His twin brother’s girlfriend shows up and she creates another interesting diversion. She’s married; twin brother has a serious alcohol issue and is very jealous of girlfriend’s husband. OH the drama! Guy just seems more and more normal and amazing as this whole scenario continues.

Adds to the confusion of how do I feel? I do not know. I can’t sort it all out AT ALL. It feels all discombobulated inside. I like him though. I do. We go to his place for a little bit so he can check on his 17 year old son, who’s actually out with friends. We make out a little. I’m kinda into this, but I’m not ready for the whole enchilada. He pushes a little too far. I got scared for a moment, actually, but I’ve had some scary experiences, so this is probably not even his fault. He does take no for an answer though ultimately. And I’m relieved, but conflicted as well. It’s not that I don’t want to. I’m just not ready for that yet.

Guy follows me home. Such a gentleman! He keeps saying he just wants to take me somewhere to have time alone, to go somewhere nice, etc, etc…. He’s very sweet and romantic. I like it. It’s perfectly wonderful. No, I hate it. It’s too much. I don’t freakin’ know what I feel. What’s wrong with me?? I always know what I feel….always! But nope, I just really don’t know. I’m kind of all over the place with this. It’s a definite yes! NO, wait…it’s certainly no… Uh oh hold on, it’s a great big absolutely positive maybe!

Hold up: Nahhh….it’s an absolutely not…..errr…umm…absolutely not gonna pass this one up?! Hell, I can’t pinpoint this to save my life! If I were a color about this guy, I’d be split down the middle: half black and half white with a section of Definitely Grey striping down my center. If I were a vegetable about this guy, I’d be half a snow pea and half corn on the cob. If I were a fruit about this, I’d certainly be half a peach and half a watermelon. Make sense now? Exactly…!

Guy and I have gone out more than a few times now. He’s asked me to reserve New Year’s Eve for him. He’s said all the right things and a few wrong ones too. He’s a bit assertive for my time and attention, but still continues to say, I don’t want you to feel pressured Kay. He’ll call every day, but often say, I hope you don’t feel like I have to talk to you every day Kay; I don’t wanna scare you off

Sometimes I get the feeling he’s trying a little too hard but then he catches himself when he senses that deer in the headlights feeling I’m sure I randomly give off when he’s saying sappy, sweet nothings in my ear that I love hearing, but I hate hearing them. And buffering them with saying, I don’t want to come off too sappy, buttttttttt…blah blah SAPPY, SAPPY blah blah blah……

And mostly I like him. And sometimes – just now and then though – he gets on my nerves a bit. And then suddenly he doesn’t get on my nerves at all, but I really like him again. And then just as quickly, I’ll feel smothered and want some freakin’ space (seriously pal, BACK OFF!); then, I’ll feel like being close and open with him. My oldest daughter met him finally. He was so nervous for her approval, it was adorable: no, adorably annoying… And she said she “really liked him”. Awesome!

Now I just have to decide if I really do… or not!

Uhh Cupid, we have a problem!

So, I have issues.. yeah, issues… Luggage, baggage, psychological and emotional idiosyncracies… Ummm…whatever you wanna call ‘em. In fact, I’m pretty sure I have my fair share, your fair share, and a bit more for extra measure!
And I could go into detail about these, psychoanalyze why, who, what, and how they came about but really, does any of that matter? Well, other than making for a truly unbelievable (yeah unbelievable as in lierally, “I do not believe that’s true!”) story/post/biography, no, it just doesn’t matter. It is what it is. And at least, I’m aware I have major issues, so I hope I’m at least a tad ahead of the typical idiot idiosyncratic schmuck who is riddled with them and genuinely isn’t in touch with their own reality that something just isn’t quite “right”… That’s a bonus for me, right?
I’ve wanted to write for a while now of this great “thing” I have going with “J”… because it really is just great! Truly… However, while dealing with K’s suicide, I just haven’t been able to sit down and write. It’s as though I couldn’t bring myself to discuss trivial life matters with this blaring tragedy sitting on my heart…
But, I realize I can’t post for the next ten years on that… well, I could, yet no matter how fitting that seems to be in some ways…it’s just not and I must move on with writing of my original mission of this blog.
Dating.
I’ve been dating “J” and it’s terrific! In so many ways, he’s exactly what I wanted to find: a cool, fun, attractive, and interesting guy to hang out with/date, minus any pressure, stress or major drama… BINGO! I’ve found it! It just might be that I have, in fact, nailed some jello to the wall!
We’ve been having a fabulous time. He’s a valuable and amazing gem of a guy and he adores me… Awwwwwwwww…. No really, it’s quite precious and I consider myself a pretty luck chick to have snatched (and kept) his attention and adoration thus far.
We have long random discussions about world issues, life matters, and trivial ridiculous-like stuff. We have sex, we snuggle, and we play. We go to movies, rent movies, play games with friends. We are active and sometimes lazy. We have fun and then we are serious at times… It’s just a  super cool thing we have going on here and I really enjoy it, him, the relationship, etc, etc, etc… Yeah, it’s pretty much exactly what I had hoped to find when I began this journey/mission! Even the whole he-was-engaged-to-my-friend thing just hasn’t been a huge negative issue. We’ve told her and she seems okay with it. So, aside from some all too expected gossip from other obviously bored locals, there just hasn’t been any problems…at all. It’s been utterly terrific!

J is adorably nerdy like the character in "Juno"...what's not to love??

So….why in the hell would I want to complicate it? Ruin it? Drama-fy it? WHY??
Okay, the answer is I don’t. I don’t want to…I really, truly don’t…. but…..but…. omg… I swear I could complicate a game of freakin’ tic-tac-toe to the point of annoyance! WTF is my deal?? I can write a million posts picking on the guys in the dating pool out there, but the truth…the ugly down-n-dirty truth… is I’m not THAT much different than they when my idiosyncratic issues and frustrating-as-fuck-flaws come into the mix! Truth is, I’m a great chick with a lot of really kick ass stuff to offer a relationship, but I’m fucked… Yeah, at the nitty gritty of it all, I’m probably a bigger pain in the ass freak of nature than any of the weirdo’s I’ve written about here.
I’m so contradictory and I just can’t ever decipher if it’s the situation itself or if it’s really just me…
You know, I’m casually strutting toward the goal… I’m almost there..I can see it.. Hell, it’s so freakin’ close I can feel it; success, satisfaction, happiness….it’s there… just three more steps and it’s mine…. I can just skip along these last few feet….and skipping is so fun…
Do I throw the obstacles down on purpose? Or do I just forget the baggage that sits all around me in my excitement and then when I trip over them, I look around like “Did you just see that row of extra-large suitcases come at me outta nowhere?!” BAM! WTF?!
Because all I know is that I’m skipping along…grateful, happy, satisfied…and suddenly I trip…I trip from outta the blue, for seemingly no reason at all! I just hit this weird place, this ridiculous wall, this treacherous bump, this whacked out spot where the crazy-good amazingly beautiful planetary alignment from heaven that feels like beautiful fate falling into place just suddenly – without sense or warning… twists, turns, and flips…my thoughts, emotions, sanity get all jumbled up and I forget. I forget what I wanted, why I wanted it, and start to question if I ever even really wanted it at all…
Yeah….issues….yup…I got an abundance of ‘em…. Ohhhhh FUCK!!!
The problem here is that in the process of getting to know “J” better, I’ve also had the opportunity to get to know his friend “Jack” better… I won’t try to deny that I found Jack enormously attractive from the moment I met him. It just didn’t really matter that much because I already knew “J” and really liked what I knew. I wasn’t going to be deterred or lured away from my path to “J”. I wasn’t even interested in being deterred or lured. And then, it seems that most of my non-alone time with “J” also happens to typically include Jack. This is fabulous! Jack is F-U-N… So, I get to hang with the terrific J AND I get to hang with the fun, funny, HOT Jack…. Yeah, I’ve been lovin’ it!
And somewhere in the past few months of this, a week or so ago, I suddenly realized that I look forward to this shared time with Jack more than I care to admit. To the extent that when we are all in a group, J almost gets on my nerves….
It’s not quite that simple though because I still like J a lot, even in the midst of this mild near-annoyance thing. J is just so blasted likeable!!!! Yeah, he’s cute and sweetly adorable, kind and helpful, caring and smart. He’s definitely a total nerd…and I LOVE that!
Love it, love it, LOVE it…right up until the moment he’s held up in the light directly against Jack. Jack isn’t cute or handsome… Jack is freakin’ SEXY. Jack is the sensual “dark soul” with the sensitive side he thinks he hides so well, but actually it just gives me the urge to tempt him into bringing it out. He’s that bad ass, sarcastic, funny, tough as nails guy…mysteriously quiet, but an expert conversationalist when he chooses. And I don’t know exactly why, but we talk so easily to one another and I. Love. It!

...and Jack exhibits more of this kind of appeal....umm...OMFG!!

So, ummm…yeah, I secretly really look forward to these little spontaneous communiqués and I admit, it kinda nagged at me a bit how much I truly have begun enjoying this. That guilty feeling hits me every time “J” asks, do you mind if Jack joins us? Uhhh…nooooo…I don’t mind at all. In fact, please? Could he? Pretty please??
Okay, so I’ve been dealing with this (I think) effectively. I’ve started trying to pay ALL my attention to J in these situations and limit my attention to Jack. I’ve been focusing my thoughts during those times at all the incredibly wonderful and endearing traits of J and how much I adore him. This has worked…sorta…mostly…. Well, I was at least convincing myself it was.
…Until this past Monday. Monday, in a strange and unusual turn of events, Jack was called to my place of work for a civic duty…not something at all avoidable or by choice…totally and simply and absolutely just by chance. In fact, J had told me this was coming up and I casually blew it off. But I didn’t really…I took serious note of this information and deliberately took an off-the-typical-mark lunch hour, conscientiously and deliberately attempting to avoid any possibility of running into Jack sans J. Okay, I have this so under control here.
So, on Monday I take a very late lunch and while attempting to leave my office area, a very chatty co-worker engages me in idle chat. And she’s chatting…and chatting..and chatting… seems her husband had been called in for this civic duty as well and she’s just going on an on…and on…and on… Bless her heart! Finally, my stomach growls so loudly, I snatch the opportunity to say, Gosh, I really gotta go…I’m starving! And she lets me walk away..finally!
I’m coming down the hall, feeling so proud of how I’ve avoided getting myself into any wonderfully uncomfortable situations and as I round the bend by the elevators, my peripheral vision catches a familiar face stepping out of the elevator to my left.  A familiar sexy face with that adorable mischievous grin and that mysterious “dark” look all about him…
Yeah, it’s Jack. And what are the odds???? Seriously..wtf?!
So, I can’t politely (or with any explainable reason!) avoid this now. What am I supposed to say? Sorry Jack, I know we hang out together at least four nights a week and I date your friend, and we have become the best of friends in the process, buttttttt, I’m secretly so attracted to you that I would feel guilty having lunch with you or being in your presence without J…. Seriously, how could I say that? And how could I explain avoiding him? I so suck at coming up with on-the-spot excuses/fibs too…umm..what the hell do I DO now??
And so… yeah, Jack and Kay go have lunch together. A lovely lunch during which I desperately attempted to disguise my nervous secret with babbling silly chatter and laughed so hard at one point that I spewed lettuce toward his face. I can only say I’m really, REALLY fortunate Jack doesn’t know me much better or I’m pretty sure he’d have totally been on to the fact that something was up with me. I can only pray he didn’t though.
Anyway, it was a blast having lunch with Jack! I was flustered and attracted, and trying terribly hard to force myself out of any sense of attraction to this guy…and finally it was over. I thank him for a fun lunch and we say good bye. Me, hoping and praying that my attraction to him wasn’t blaring between the lines of my desperation to not feel or acknowledge, even inadvertently, this fucked up attraction.
I breathed a bit easier as I walked away from him. Phew…spending an hour “alone” with him and not blurting out my big secret was amazingly more difficult than I even had anticipated. Breathe….but it was over. I did it!! Yayy!! Breathe… Commence to my office and on with ignoring this unwanted, unplanned, unexpected, and unfortunate attraction to Jack..Get it back in freakin’ perspective…breathe…breathe…
No. It did not help! I could not get this man off my mind for the next six hours!!! As if it hadn’t already been a chronic challenge to keep my thoughts of him in appropriate perspective before our innocent little lunch, I was so light headed and distracted with thoughts of him now that I made more stupid mistakes in the next few hours at work than I have in all the weeks I have been there total……… because I had Jack on the brain… and sadly, I have ever since…just can’t seem to shake it…UGHH!
Eeeeeeeeeeek…OMG…what now?

Does The Code even exist anymore? Okay, did it ever?

I’ve committed to the “code” since junior high. You know the one.  If your friend likes or dates a guy, he’s forever stricken from the okay to date category.  I’ve wondered over the years though, if perhaps I took this “code” too much to heart?  It started in the seventh grade when coincidentally every boy I developed a crush on, my “BFF” suddenly liked him too.  It was so weird!!  I’d start chatting with some boy in a class, start to think he was cute or funny or whatever, tell my best friend (because that’s what you do) and lo and behold… within 24 hours, my BFF would have this “dilemma”.  Gosh Kay, I’ve been meaning to tell you for a few days now that I like so-and-so.

Ahhhhh well crap….  He’s off the list.  Can’t crush on him…must avoid all flirtation.  This crazy coincidence started to get a little suspicious about our junior year of high school.  It was just too BIZARRE…every single guy I even thought about liking, my BFF always confessed she’d been crushing on him since the day or two before me!!!  Uncanny for all those years, huh?! There were two crushes in four years whom “M” (my BFF) hadn’t crushed on just before me.  One went to a different school than we and “M” had never met him and the other always called “M” a fat cow or something equally as mean or harsh.  In fact those two actually had a physical altercation once; they hated each other so much!  I had to play referee so many times between these two and always felt guilty that he was so mean to my BFF, but shamefully happy that finally I liked someone my BFF didn’t like first. 

This chronic coincidence just flabbergasted me for years!  I had suspicions, but always denied them.  Until I moved out of state my senior year and less than a month later, my BFF was dating the guy I had dated…the one whom she had fought with all the time.

Okay, yeah….so it takes me awhile sometimes to see the writing on the wall.  In hindsight I realize this was a fun game for my BFF.  It simply raised the stakes and created a bigger challenge for her in the crush department to coincidentally like the same guy as I.

This has been a repetitive occurrence in my life in one way or another and over the many, many years of betrayals and coincidences, I realize that I just might be the only female I know living by the unofficial credo of friendship…but, it’s never been a huge choice for me.  Friends always come first; guys were a dime a dozen.  Ohhhh…you kinda like that one?  Ohh and that other one flirted with you last monthAhh geesh…okay, I’m out then.  I see no need to compete with friends for guys.  Okay honey, you have him….and I’m on to something or someone else.  No big.  There is no competition because I refuse to engage.  In fact, I usually start looking around for a lovely silver platter to hand whatever guy over to them.

Ahhh the stories I could tell!  However, there’s really only one of these experiences which is pertinent at the moment.

I’ve been friends with “Jane” for about seven years or so now.  We go back and forth between inseparable for a bit to just lunch once a week depending on our life happenings at any given time.  Jane is totally different from me and I’m okay with that.  Jane is a major partier and has looser standards sexually than I tend toward, but I’ve kinda thought these differences made our friendship work even better.  We sound things off to each other and get entirely different perspectives.  I like to think that she pulls me a little more to the spontaneous and crazy side and maybe I pull her somewhat to the more responsible side….a nice balance for the most part.

The only real challenge here is that since I’ve become friends with Jane, it’s become increasingly difficult to meet any male (or female) with whom Jane has not had sexual relations. Two major episodes:

I meet cute military guy four years ago.  I was undecided about anything big with him, but I liked him and was at least interested in seeing where I might want it to go.  I wasn’t blabbing about him to my friends because I wasn’t sure if I wanted as much of a commitment as MG expressed he wanted. We had been seeing each other for only a month or so when he returned to his base in Kansas City. …Commence the chronic texting and phone calls.  I was enjoying this and starting to like him more and more.  After he left for base, Military guy would get frustrated when I was out with friends and my phone would die.  So one night in the midst of a huge texting session with MG while I was out with Jane, I say, Hey, put this number in your phone so that when my phone dies, MG won’t get mad at me that I just suddenly disappeared and stopped texting.  She says, Oh, I have that number already.  And knowing Jane as I do, I immediately knew exactly what she meant.  I was a little bummed, but waited till the next day to ask MG about this… Yeah, she and MG had had a sexual fling a few years back which had lasted a week or two.  Well, given that my interest in MG was only slightly above mild at this point, I decided to end it.  MG was pissed and hates me to this day for this but whatever…  It just feels too awkward for me to date a guy my friend has been intimate with and holds the number in her phone as a booty call.  Not interested.  No thanks.

Three years ago, I ran into a guy whom I’d met years ago on the beach.  We had been beach buddies years earlier but never super close otherwise.  So I run into him randomly after it had been a while.  He asks me out to dinner and I agree to go and over the next few months, we started actually dating. One night I couldn’t go to a concert with him because I had plans with Jane. He says, Ahh, I know Jane!  Yeah, of course you do. Ohhh shit…  I ask him about the nature of their association.  He’s very blunt in that they had gone to dinner once seven years earlier, had a nice time, but neither was romantically interested in the other (they just hadn’t “clicked) so they had decided not to go out again, but to be friends…and not with sexual benefits…just friends. Well more like acquaintances since they didn’t really hang out together, but just would chat if they ran into each other.

Soon after this conversation,  I tell Jane that I’ve been seeing him and that I might actually like him.  This is critical to say to her at this point because since Love of My Life Guy and I had split, I really hadn’t even entertainedmuch thought of developing anything truly serious with anyone.  I rarely even could agree to go on a date with anyone for quite some time after the split.  Jane knew all about this and how I had struggled to meet anyone I liked enough to seriously date and consider committing to since that horrific experience.  Thus, it was important that I actually tell Jane where I stood about this guy. And she’s all, That’s great!  He’s such a nice guy Kay!  I’m so glad to see you giving someone a chance finally…etc, etc, etc…

So it got a little weird when she started calling me from the deck of his beach house and inviting me over to “join them” for cookouts and whatnot.  I was totally thrown!  What is going on?  I’m actually dating him and this feels awkward.  She’s inviting ME over to MY boyfriend’s house?  And, why is she over there without me anyway?  No one mentioned a cookout to me!?  They’ve known each other over seven years and never hung out at his house!  Why would they now that I’m dating him?  After the third of these “invites”, I couldn’t shake the weirdness.  Jane’s a pretty woman and I just guessed that somehow maybe being mutual friends with me had reconnected them and he had decided he actually was interested in her… and obviously more than me…

This one bummed me out a little more than Military Guy, but hey, this is my friend…whatever…  If he likes her and vice-versa, then I’m out.  I just stopped taking Beach Guy’s calls because it all seemed too creepy.  I temporarily distanced myself from Jane too because I was a little hurt over this, but we remained friends and I just never said anything about any of it to her…or him.  C’est la vie.  Bygones.

A year ago, I randomly run into Beach Guy who interrogates me as to why I blew him off.  I’m honest and say, Jane was hanging out at your house a lot inviting me over and it felt weird so I accepted that you changed your mind and decided you wanted to date her.  I wasn’t going to make a big fuss.  She’s my friend, you’re a great guy…I want both of you to find happiness.  It’s all good. And he looks bewildered….  He says, WHAT?!  Kay, I really liked you…I thought we had something pretty cool going and you just blew me off completely.  After the first time you brought Jane over with you, she just started showing up at my house with groceries wanting to cook out.  I would assume you must be meeting her here or something..it was just so weird..and when I’d ask her where’s Kay, she’d always say, Let’s call her and invite her over.

I might sound stupid and that could be accurate, but after much discussion, Beach Guy and I figured out that this wasn’t a very nice thing Jane did to me…and ultimately to him either.  I believe that BG had no clue what the hell kind of game Jane was playing.  He was trying to be gracious to her because she was my friend.  By the time he figured out what was probably going on, I had stopped taking his calls and he thought I just wasn’t interested in him anymore. 

This kinda sucked and I began questioning Jane’s friendship and perhaps even the ability of a totally promiscuous kinda chick like her even being capable of real friendship with another girl. Around this time, Jane had kinda disappeared from my life anyway, so nothing needed to be addressed; I just let it go.

When Jane shows back in my life, she’s all excited that she’s been dating some really young guy and it’s getting serious!  That’s why she’d stayed away for so long…totally preoccupied with this new young guy…and she talked at length about how young he was, as if that in itself was some medal of honor or achievement.  I was so excited for her! He sounds like a terrific guy and maybe just what she needed to settle it down a little.  I met him soon after and realized he really WAS a terrific guy.  I was very happy for them both when they got engaged and moved in together.

She didn’t stop her sexual roll though.  That continued and she’d brag to me about how he would always forgive her.  She just had to tell him how drunk she was when the indiscretions occurred and he’d let it go.  I was sad for him, but happy for her that he was such a passive forgiving guy…perfect for her…just the kind she needed!

I felt more and more badly for him though as I witnessed personally how often she got drunk and messed around on him….with his friends, with strangers, with ex-lovers…started to seem like anyone would do to cheat on this innocent, nice guy. But, hell, if he was okay with that, who was I to think it was sad or wrong?  Anyway,  I wasn’t totally surprised when a few weeks after I moved to Vegas, she called to tell me she was breaking up with him because she wasn’t going to stop the cheating… Ohhhh AND she’d met an even younger guy and they were having some serious fun.  She and her ex-fiancé Jay would remain friends though. Awwww…how absolutely delightful for him!  Poor guy…

Then, a week after I returned to Michigan, I invited Jane over one evening late.  I had a guy friend here with me.  I’d known this guy for years, but we’d never dated or had anything together…  I did have a little crush on him.  I’d never told him or anyone about that though.  Jane drags ex-fiance  Jay over with her and we’re all hanging out.  Jane’s flirting outrageously with my guy friend and he is with her too.  It’s late and Jay just goes to bed in the guest room.  I pull Jane aside and say, Hey, I don’t think it’s very cool to do that to Jay and besides, I might sorta like this other guy.  Could you please not be with him?

Yeah, I verbatim said, “Could you please not be with him?”  Oh of course she won’t!  He’s “way too old for her anyway”, she says.  …FYI, he happens to be exactly our age…

To sum up this long as hell story, guess what?  Yeah….I’m sure you see where this situation went!  Jane can’t help herself….and after leaving them alone briefly, I return and yeah, it’s “on” for them.

Ohmyeffingawd… I had just freakin’ had it with this crap!  I told jerk-ball to leave and I was just mad, mad, mad at Jane!  Jay hears the commotion and comes out.  He’s not an idiot.  He gets it of course.  He knows exactly what happened.  He may be way younger than I, but he clearly “’gets” this kinda thing far more quickly than I.  It’s pretty much just a sad and unfortunate scene for all three of us…for different reasons…

So…Saturday night I get together with a group of friends for cards.  Jay is one of them.  I’m so glad he and I might become friends.  He’s just fun and a really terrific person!  We have a great time and he ends up crashing over here on the sofa with me.  Nothing happened!!

The next day after he leaves,  we are texting funny stuff back and forth..both tired and silly after too much fun the night before.  Then, I get this text from him that says, okay, I’m going to get a little weird on you here, but last night when we were curled up on the sofa, I really wanted to kiss you. I didn’t though because we had both been drinking.

OMG…I truly did NOT know what to say!!!  My mind is racing and I’m just speechless.  While I’m thinking through this, Jay sends a few more apology texts:  “Sorry, told you I was going to get weird”, “Sorry, I’m probably still just drunk”, “Sorry I’m a retard who can’t text properly right now”, “Sorry, I really just had to get that off my chest”…

And I’m thinking, OMGOMGOMG….I’d never thought about anything like this before.  I mean, sure he’s sexy and smart…and funny…and all around the kind of guy I’d normally really like…but…but…OMG?!!?!!

So, I text him back with my conscience debating and my heart racing,  Please don’t say you’re sorry.  I kinda wish you had kissed me.  And he responds, Oh good!!!…that long pause scared me!!  But my phone is dying and I’m having drinks with friends so we’ll talk about this later.

Jay and I haven’t discussed this yet.  I really don’t know how I feel about this.  From married guys to my friends’ ex??  It’s just a  mess.  What the hell is the matter with me?!!  I honestly don’t know if I think this would be wrong or not and that in itself scares the hell out of me!!  Is life throwing me these constant curve balls for some freakin’ reason?  Is this all random?  Are these life tests? Character tests??  WTF?!???   Umm…I think I’d better get back to the “safety” of that whole online thing and I’ll be damned if that’s not a contradiction in terms!

I don’t know what’s going to happen here with this recent sitch.  Is it ever okay to break the code?  Am I running through previous history with Jane just to convince myself this might not be totally wrong to do…just in case…?  Anyway, maybe Jay was just drunk and didn’t even know what the hell he was talking about?  Maybe it was just a random spontaneous meaningless notion that will disappear as quickly as it came to him?  No clue.  I am reminded reg ularly though that life has a twisted sense of humor.  AND, I’m beginning to realize too that if this is all just a life test, I just might be running out of the right answers!

Screams of an highly imaginative guilty conscience

So in the Who Wants To Date a Married Man game show of life…and yes, I use the word “date” very loosely here! Perhaps it might more aptly be called “how to gracefully dodge married men”, with the primary emphasis there being on gracefully…and secondarily on dodge.
Contestant number one, we’ll call him Z and here,  Z is for Zirconia…yeah, as in cubic zirconia. That lovely gem which makes a fairly decent attempt at being a successful imposter.
I see Z as this: He looks good, almost wholesome even; he’s certainly no “God of men” in the looks department like say Chris Pine… or the whole beef, bean, chicken, rice, and veggie enchilada that Matt Damon effortlessly encompasses (psh…umm as if anyone….), but I’d gander that Z would be rated at least above average attractiveness by the majority of females over 25.   Z is educated, and has a charismatic flair which just might be able to cause the likes of Angelina Jolie to take momentary notice. Yeah, the level of charisma involved here borders on lethal. In fact, if stripped down to the basic naked truth here, it’s entirely possible that it’s Z’s level of charisma which allows me to even write of the man in the same paragraph as the every-level-of-extraordinary Matt D.

Shamelessly childish Matt Damon disclaimer:

image via gettyimages.com

 Have I yet mentioned my encompassing, overwhelming, extraordinary adoration, devotion, respect, desire, and attraction to the phenomenal Matt Damon anywhere here? No? Well, I am that girl: a Matt Damon girl. Mr. Damon represents my absolute ideal; he’s boyishly handsome, yet still sexy beyond sexy; well above highly intelligent, dedicated to his ethics and causes, extraordinarily talented, wickedly witty, and yet his ego appears to be intact. If you stripped the Matt-ster of his physical appeal, I feel absolutely certain I’d still find him absolutely irresistible and wondrous. My one true love thus far in life only got a first date because he has a smile like Matt Damon. I married a man with the initials M.D.   Matt is the only “star crush” I’ve ever had. I’d not hesitate to shamelessly cover my walls, even at my age, with posters and magazine pictures of this man. Possibly the only reason I haven’t is merely because his photos, as devastatingly appealing as they are, are not a true representation of his million other qualities which captivate and enthrall me. I cried when he married. Matt Damon simply IS the epitome of my every ideal and fantasy on every level of attraction.

Back to the Z though… Although Z seems to have an element of the Matt’s naturally charismatic nature, there’s something going on there with Z which, in spite of all demonstration and evidence to the very opposite (boyish charm, undeniable natural charisma)…something that flirts around in the “dangerous” zone with a truly deeply layered possibility of sinister. I almost hate to use the word “sinister”; it seems a tad extreme for what I’m actually describing, but I can’t grasp a word which perfectly describes this particular element. And perhaps Z is merely your typical boy-next-door type with that not so unusual bad boy undercurrent? I don’t know… There are tiny implications in his aura/presence/energy which suggest it might go a tad beyond that stereotype, but these only come as hunches and flashes of intuition to me.  There’s nothing in anything the man has actually said or done in my presence which should indicate this darker depth. I just sense it and I *almost* fear it, while also, of course, I find it intriguing and mystifying.

I know without “knowing” that Z is a player of the game. This seems undeniably evident because he’s married and is an outrageous flirt…and a successful one at that, in that he has the ability to actually make one think maybe, just mayyyybe, this guy doesn’t flirt like that with every cute chick he crosses paths with. But, my BS detector has that little inadvertent deception in check. In spite of his talent to make me think there might be limits to his flirtatious activities, my gut screams that this is not so. My intuition hollers at me that his flirtations are, in fact, without any limits whatsoever and perhaps all that’s required is a basic attraction to any quality. What I hear and feel between the lines of his words and actions are closer to something like: she has a nice butt- wonder what I gotta do to get me a piece of that; that one’s lips are nice- how can I get them wrapped around my joystick; oooohhhh look at that cute chin- cool! Somethin’ I can grab ahold of to pull her in for a sensuous kiss. In fact, my gut says this might go so far that the only stipulation he might have at all is simply that the target is female. Um…yukk!!
Not that I’d date him anyway. Yeah, if he was single I admit I might fall briefly for his charm and wit. However, he is most definitely not, thus… Big fat NO to the Z!
…but I have been having a little fun doing some informal research of sorts into how this married-man thing works. I have several friends who have engaged in this kind of thing and I’ve always been curious, but never wanted to ask for much specific info on the subject for obvious reasons…
So, I’ve had wings and beers alone with the Z, but mostly and to his chagrin I might add, we text. Our texting sessions tend to go along the lines of him trying to catch me available to hang out for an afternoon rendezvous. It’s so strange how he just never accomplishes that..hehe… When I AM available and/or alone, I don’t respond to his calls or texts until a few days later when I’m not available and feel certain he won’t be either.  And when I’m NOT available, I respond immediately just to find out what kinds of things he’ll say or do, knowing I have a legitimate excuse promptly on hand for not hanging out.
In spite of my huge attraction to the study of human nature, informal investigations into practices I can’t comprehend, and (yeah I confess) the appeal of his charisma, this whole questionable association/attraction has a distinct downside.  

but..but..I love to watch hockey!

Although I’ve not allowed this to cross any major ethical lines, I no longer feel comfortable going to watch my non-FWB buddy play hockey, which I enjoyed immensely before the onset of this tempting flirtation. And this irritates me, particularly since I’ve done nothing wrong!

My conscience is apparently bigger than Texas. The thought alone of getting in my car to purposely drive to anywhere this man is going to be without his wife, fills me with heavy guilt. I ask myself, will I be able to come up with another excuse to leave early once again…avoiding any one on one, face-to-face moments? Would I be able to even enjoy myself, sitting there with all the weight of the guilt? More importantly, would the bleachers even be able to hold me, plus the weight of my guilt or would they tellingly heave and sag directly under me? What if they come crashing down and Mr. Charisma gracefully skates over to my side, falsely claiming I require mouth-to-mouth and in my unconscious state, I mindlessly uttered,  No, no no…you’re MARRIED! Or Stop, I have an important appointment I must get to immediately, or worse yet, what if in my temporary shock at falling I were to go full fledge into damsel in distress mode and merely gasp breathlessly, Oh Z…you’re my hero!
Or… what if his wife were to show up? I wouldn’t know how to act under such circumstances, but I do know the stress and guilt might then combine and I could truly hyperventilate and actually faint…how freakin’ embarrassing that would be! I imagine a scene straight out of Poe’s Tell-Tale Heart, more aptly entitled Kay’s Consuming Guilty Conscience of Just Thinking of Such a Scandalous Tryst! …my furiously beating conscience oozing my slutty red thoughts all about me, all over the damned rink forcing me into a temporary state of Slut’s Tourette’s…randomly bellowing out confessions like, I DID IT….it’s ME…I texted him!! Yeah, I had wings and beers ALONE with him too!  PLEASE forgive me?  Umm…I lived in Vegas for three months! 

This might seem out of the realm of all actual likelihood, I know. But I’m not so sure. I did once go tubing down the river in a rather low and unhealthy temperature for an activity such as submerging my bottom half in bitterly cold rapid waters and with the added bonus of an unexpected and more-than-chilly rainfall, during which I imbibed three stiff cuba libres. 

Famiily-ish River tubing party

 Holy drunken river-tuber-girl, Batman!  …Halfway down the river, bordering on hypothermia, I did develop a rare case of Tourette’s and I began randomly bellowing out swear words and phrases I’ve never vocalized prior in my life!  Oh and this was a group outing too and I should add that this behavior was beyond inappropriate given the variety of people tubing.  We were 15 tubes all tied to each other.  Apparently ( I don’t have any recollection of this), at one point even, I weakly (yeah, thankfully my vocal cords were not at their usual capacity in my diminished physical and mental state of near-hypothermia) attempted through intense and debilitating shivering to scream at a passing motor boat something along the lines of, I will blow every mate on your ship if you’ll f–#@– take me with you!  And as they passed our group in spite of my whispered screams Ialso allegedly said, Fine! Don’t save me then you rat bastard momma screwing, little kitty cats.  So you see, the sudden onset of Tourette’s-Under-Stress phenomenon is not at all out of the question for me during excessively uncomfortable situations. 

Nahhhh, since I lack the will-to-silence of Hester Prynne,   I’m avoiding any possibility of ANY of those OMG-what do I do now situations! …and then of course I have to wonder what in the hell would I be like if I actually ever followed through with anything like having a fling like this?  Gasp! The guilt alone might consume me alive. Geesh, how do people DO things like this and just walk around like nothing?!

Excuse me, is that a temptation band on your other hand?

I’ve been home now since mid October…back in the stompin’ ground of my youth…and beyond! A little battered, a smidge beaten even, but I made it. Dating hasn’t been a priority and I’ve not bothered to even check my aquarium account or check in at all with that little diapered-man. Instead, I’ve been nursing broken hearts, repairing wounded self esteems, and communicating regularly with my attorney in my fight for retribution. I’m typically not big on the retribution thing, as there actually isn’t anything in the world valuable enough to compensate for what has been broken and lost in this; mostly I just want my house back. That place of comfort and security which we left in July….sighhhhh….
However, being back in the Stompin’ Ground does have a few advantages of which I’ve become newly aware. 1. I actually know people here! 2. I know my way around, which minimizes my irrationally chronic fear of getting lost. 3. My father is not only near, but without a doubt, a blessing from God.
Although my focus hasn’t been on online dating, I have had a few opportunities to get out and about and meet up with people, both new and old acquaintances. I’ve come to a huge discovery in this process of reacquainting myself here: What’s up with the married men around here? Lived here on and off for the majority of my life and have had very limited (as in merely ONE) exposure to the married man hitting on me in all that time.
I move away, move back and WHAM! (No, don’t wake me up before you go-go….in fact, don’t even come over-over at all-all…just go-go before you come-come, okay?)
I am suddenly a married man MAGNET! What is this? Did living in the city of sin stamp me with a “no moral fiber” tramp stamp of which I’m totally unaware? Where are these men coming from? What’s wrong with their marriages? Okay, strike that one please, as that little question could take months for me to properly analyze alone! But… what IS up with this? What is up with me that I seem to be suddenly drawing them in like unemployed lumberjacks to the forest?
Hmmm… I might have an easy answer to that, if I were frequenting single’s bars, presenting myself as one “looking for action”, but I swear to you, I am not! The two primary contestants in this quiz-show I stumbled across in the most innocent of fashions. One, at a men’s hockey league game which I attended to watch a friend (no, not a FWB, just a friend) play and the other, during a brief trip to the mall while last-minute Christmas shopping. There I was,  in grey sweatpants and a hoodie which in all likelihood had long-forgotten, permanent stains on it from some zestfully eaten lunch-on-the-run from days gone by when passing by the Verizon store, I lock eye contact with guy-I-once-shared-one-drunken- slow-dance with almost two years ago.
I’m not without any vanity, so yeah, I was embarrassed to see him (even just in passing) while in such an inappropriate state of dress. I blushed and then remembered the guy is now married and I’m sure couldn’t care less what I wear on any given day. Hell, I hadn’t spoken with this guy in so long, he probably can’t even recall where he knows me from.
Uhh…. Wrong-wrong. Approximately three hours later I get a call from a number I don’t recognize and guess who…?? Yup, disastrously-drunken-dance-from-two-years-ago guy! Seriously, how does he still have my number even? I have always been under the mistaken assumption that to keep a number that long which you don’t use then, you must have dated, had sex, or been the best of friends…something, anything, even mildly momentous in some way in which you might at some point want to re-visit or experience again. It’s the “just in case I re-think that one” or “in the event I have a moment of weakness when I doubt my past choice” number preservation system. None of which apply here as he and I shared one thing and one thing only: one disastrous drunken dance.
Suffice to say, I was quite taken aback when guy identifies himself. I’m sorry, who is this again?? Unfortunately, my breeding doesn’t allow me to follow that up with a snide “and why are you calling me?” No. So, after the identification process, I just listened. He asks if I’m in Vegas still and just visiting or if I’m back…WHAT?!! How did…? Who told…? Ahhh don’t get me started on the glories of small town livin’ where even the lady three blocks over has a second uncle removed who knows you moved to Vegas…there will be plenty about that to come!
Anyway, not wanting to jump to conclusions, I talked little and briefly and listened long and well… exercising my rarely used ability to put silence in places for the distinct purpose of creating those telling moments of discomfort. I mean, after all, perhaps he just wants to be friends…
OMG, did I really just type that without laughing?
Nahhhh…he wants to meet up….hang out….what-not…. hob-nob….all behind his wife’s back! This, coming in a time-frame where I’m still smack-dab in the midst of figuring married hockey man’s lingering attraction.
…which I still am in the midst of and have so far only learned one thing in regard to this sudden married man phenomenon: the blessing of a married man affectionately calling is that he’s MARRIED and doesn’t have nearly as much time or freedom to call. Which in turn, eliminates a great deal of my personal problem of maintaining my social grace in awkward situations while still oh-so-subtly blowing off said advances…or perhaps dodging them is a more accurate verb. I confess, I’m struggling with blowing these guys off completely. Well, at least one of them I am…
Life’s irony never fails to shoot many blows to my over-analytical mind. As I struggle to maintain basically old-fashioned ethics in the shadowy face of temptation, I’m suddenly smacked with constant media and entertainment concepts that romanticize this issue and remove a bit of the GASP! factor from my temptations: movies, stories, articles, personal friends…all about either cheating on their significant or cheating with someone else’s significant. It seems to be everywhere I turn! Now, what in hell is this message? I can’t tell if I’m being signaled the go-ahead to try this adventure out or if I’m being tested to a new limit of my personal ethics.
Either way, I’m still hanging strong…in limbo, yes, but hangin’ strong just the same.