…So having now offered a background into my nature it’s much easier for me to explain why I chose to end my relationship with M – a man I like, I respect, and I enjoy immensely. Yeah, I’m bummed a little and my curiosity and inquisitive side is definitely nagging at me to investigate further…
And that’s exactly why I know I’ve made the right choice to end it.
It’s complicated to describe and yet so simple at the same time.
I’ve had a few conversations with M, delicately and respectfully attempting to just get enough information to make a reasonable decision about this confusion with him. It started after the first date he cancelled (and nearly didn’t tell me). Yeah, I understand things happen. I also understand the premise behind “he’s just not that into you”. Truly, I’m naïve, I’m trusting, but I promise I’m really not ignorant. I see the possibilities. I probably see far too many actually and I’m willing to entertain any of them at this point in my M-relationship. I mean, I’m still getting to know him..anything is possible. In addition, I’m not emotionally invested, so denial (or preservation of my heart or pride) is just not necessary at this point. Sure, I’d like to think he likes me and I see many indications that he does, but if not..whatever.
However, the trouble started after this near blow-off when I questioned whether M was liking me or wasn’t so much into me…. Honest and straight forward; totally willing to face and handle whatever his answer was. Really, I only asked even because I wouldn’t want anyone to feel obligated to me in any way…ughhh.. that’s not a pleasant feeling. Suffice to say, I was okay with whatever the sitch was here.
..but M….OMG…M turned into Mr. DEFENSE after this ONE innocent question. He started sending me pictures “proving” his whereabouts and activities. Like, a picture of his car dashboard with a text saying, just so you know I really AM driving right now.
WHAT. THE F*$k???? Really? Are you freakin’ kidding me? Let me recall where I’ve once doubted your veracity ……..Ummm…..hmmmmmm??
OH WAIT…I haven’t..not once…nope..not a single time. Well, okay, one time I thought I saw him when he was out of town, but I concluded all on my own that it wasn’t him. I never asked him about it or thought much about it even after the initial “sighting”. There just was no reason whatsoever that he would have needed to lie about something so silly…so I admit, I pondered for a bit, determined it wasn’t him, and went on as usual. (By the way, I still believe it wasn’t him too, but merely an uncanny resemblance.)
Therefore, this ridiculous “proving” of his whereabouts and activities has become just plain annoying and inappropriately defensive. The first few times he did this, I laughed it off, reassured him repeatedly, and just let it go as perhaps a lingering trust issue from his previous marriage filtering down onto his current perspective. We all carry some issues like this, so I was willing to offer reassurance to let him know I wasn’t questioning him at all, except maybe whether or not he was really “into me”. Which I asked one time only, believed his response, and let that go too. Again, I mean, why would he lie about liking me if he doesn’t? I wasn’t pressuring him or making demands, I was offering him an easy out if this was the case. Why would I doubt that?
But this other crap, this I really AM here or doing this or that or whatever, just so you know CRAP was really starting to get on my nerves. Listen pal, I’m not some psycho suspicious, insecure chick interrogating you or even questioning you. So let it GO already. No. M would not let it go and he continued to pull this crap.
The catch-22 about this, is that the more I received this unrequested and unnecessary “proof”, the more I’ve started to question the things I wasn’t even questioning in the first place! Reminder: my only questions about this relationship AT ALL were 1. Was he struggling to get past his divorce and still having strong feelings for his ex-wife, which might explain his seeming and occasional lack of interest in me from my perspective? (BTW, I never once actually asked him about that.) or 2. Was he just not that into me? No crime in that… He either is or isn’t. I’m not devastated either way.
So this defensive garbage was just out of the blue and he was pounding me with it regularly all of a sudden. For no reason at all!
Maddening? Yeah..you bet! I don’t enjoy feeling like I have to reassure him that I believe him when I’ve not even entertained such questions in the first place!
I went along with this for a few weeks, assuming it was a past issue and after a few reassurance sessions, he’d get past that and stop treating me like some psycho chick. To be totally honest, this whole process alone was making me start to feel mistrust and question his random defensive tactics. The very thing he was already trying to quell…he was, instead, creating. And I did not like it one bit.
So yesterday, after thinking it over a little, I just decided this is what I don’t want to get snared into. This isn’t me. I don’t know why he’s doing this and I clearly can’t simply ask because then that might actually give him a reason to be defensive and thus, continue this maddening behavior. I’m not that girl. I refuse to be. This situation gave me no other option but to end it.
So I text him that I really feel there’s an imbalance of some sort going on, that it was making me increasingly uncomfortable. I was sorry he misunderstood me so much to think I mistrusted his every move and word. That I liked him, but this seemed to just not be working and with his overly defensive actions, I didn’t even feel comfortable trying to get to the bottom of it all or communicate about it openly. Wish you the best…sorry it didn’t work out…blah, blah blah…
And guess what? I receive a response message with a picture of him at the Canadian airport and a message saying, It’s 7 AM in Toronto. I’ve been here since Tuesday. Drove back from Phx Monday. The finger is pointing at my blue shirt. Ok, (Kay) I guess it’s getting weird for me now too.
WTF??!! Are you kidding ME???!?? Now, that’s it. Truly..that’s just it. I respond, Listen M, I’m not having yet another lengthy conversation via text. It’s just silly under the circumstances. So I’ll email you.
And I email him that I just don’t understand his defensiveness given my lack of questioning OR suspicions, but that it has boxed me in to a place where I feel I can’t ask anything at all and that goes against my nature and makes things seem strange which I otherwise wasn’t even wondering about. SO what I know for a fact is that he’s gone over 95% of the time and our actual communication gets less and less. Being that my whole point of meeting anyone was to have a person to spend time with in a strange city with all kinds of extra time I’m not accustomed to having, that whatever the reasons were or weren’t behind all this strangeness, the relationship wasn’t meeting my needs on any level…and was quickly getting to the point of frustrating and just flat-out ridiculous given the totally casual nature of the whole thing in the first place. Period. The end. Again, I like you and wish you the best in finding whatever it is you’re looking for…So given the facts alone (because I’m not presumptuous by nature), I’m going to chalk this one up to bad timing. Good luck, take care, etc, etc, etc…
And a few minutes later, I receive this text (minus any “proof” photos thank GAWD)” Re: Email: I’m not going to try to explain as that apparently is defensive…that’s how it looks. You’re a great woman and I wish you the best. M
OMFG…. Now, I seriously never want to communicate with M EVER again. The freak is even defensive about BEING DEFENSIVE. He’s clueless and is clearly having an entire relationship in his own mind that bears zero resemblance to what’s actually even happening, being said OR being THOUGHT. Yeah, this is the type of shit that makes a calm, peaceful trusting person get PSYCHO. NONE of it adds up and EVERYTHING I say or explain merely is another accusation I’m NOT EVEN THINKING. OMG!!!
That’s an effed up situation and my inner peace has been disrupted too often and way too much at this point for what the relationship was actually providing.
Bye-Bye Now. And good riddance!
Proof that most men can NOT handle a healthy, balanced woman, healthy open communication, or a relationship with casual expectations.
WTF?! I am too irritated to even DATE now. I let this freakin insanity go on way too long beyond my personal comfort zone. And I am PISSED that I allowed myself to get sucked in to the whole stupid and unnecessary thing.
ARGHHHH UGHHHH ARGHHH. Stupid men better just steer clear until I process through this utter STUPIDITY and get to the place of blissful relief that I finally just refused to deal with any of it and ended the whole stupid thing.