Feel a teensy bit guilty that although I still receive five or more emails a day, I just don’t have any interest in any one of them! Do I think I’m the cat’s a@@? The bee’s knees? The most precious, fabulous, and unique flower in the garden? The nutritional and so luscious carrot on a stick? No….Well yeah, I kinda am the platypus’ shiny and fun bill…but that’s not even really it…
I’m fully aware that I’m far, far, far from perfection. In fact, I’m so flawed; I’m a walking, living, breathing example of Wabi Sabi in action. I know that in order for anyone to truly cherish me, he has to embrace the epitome of my quirkiness, adore my ability to continue working on my “issues”;
put up with hard, random hits of Mother Nature; value that I’m always a mother first; appreciate my poetic, lost-soul social butterfly and simultaneously philosophical-loner nature; enjoy my occasional sexually deviant curiosity; lovingly kiss the scars I bear from being a horrendously horrifying driver; strongly desire to make-out passionately with my sporadic anxieties; crave having mad passionate sex with my exasperating phobia of commitment and abhorrence of categorization; and hold sweaty hands with the needy child in me. Gosh, isn’t that all just charming? And to think, I’m sure we all have wondered just why such an utterly delightful creature of perfection as I am is divorced and single?
Add to the mix here, that it’s just that I feel tall. I know I’m not really that tall…no, actually I’m probably about only slightly above average height by today’s standards, but I feel tall. I always have had this affliction. Maybe it stems way back from the awkward pre-teen era when I was already 5’7” and every other child in my entire school, male OR female, was maybe 5’2”… or less. I hated it! I towered over everyone, including my own family: my mother, my older sister, almost eye-to-eye with my dad even (I’ve never been exactly sure whom or what family I really belong to)! I felt tall….I truly was tall…
…and I still feel so tall. I can’t know if the majority of single male online daters out there are under 5’8”, but what I’m realizing it either that’s the case or I’m a magnet to the shorter daters. Out of the 15 incoming emails I read yesterday, only two were over 5’9. Okay, so we have two… Of those two, neither do I find at all physically appealing. So now I not only feel tall, but I feel distinctly discriminating, judgmental, and superficial as well. And those are not characteristics I would ever pride myself in. In fact, I’d typically deny they exist anywhere in me…and even feel confident in that denial…until I browse my incoming dating-interest emails and I’m like ….too short…too short..wayy too short…ummm just no….and too short..too short..ummm…another no just because.
I’m flattered that any of these people even bother to respond to me, please don’t misunderstand, but this is becoming the repetitive theme going on here every time I check my dating emails…and quite frankly, it makes me feel bad, tall, guilty, tall, a plethora of other traits I don’t respect or admire, and tall…
One would think that since I’m not really in the market for a husband or even steady boyfriend, that these things wouldn’t matter much. Obviously in potential friends, they don’t. However, ultimately, I can’t pretend that on a dating site many (any?) of these potential suitors are just so taken by my fabulous friend qualities that they feel totally compelled to befriend me. OMG…she is awesome! I gotta be her new BFF!!!
…umm….I WISH, but even I’M not so optimistic as to entertain such silly Polly-Anna notions or I might get away with claiming I still believe in Santa and the Easter bunny as well. Thus, I’d feel every bit as guilty going out for dinner and drinks or coffee with them as I do ignoring their emails or sending a thanks, but no thanks response (which I confess, I’m doing less and less of these days), knowing I have a friends-only intention. Ahhh the dilemmas!
I could exercise my inner bitch that lives under a pile of guilt, do a more interesting play-by-play of my most recent responses and get a good giggle or two from that, but I actually feel too guilty. I suppose that as long as there are a few (or any?!) responses interesting enough to at least communicate with, it somehow makes me feel like less of a raging superficial bitch to poke fun at the others. However, that’s just not the case….but if I quiet down my overactive guilty conscience any time soon, I plan on still writing and laughing about these comical emails…geesh… What?? Everyone needs a giggle-chortle-snortle every now and then! Right?
Onto the other not so prospective prospects updates and otherwise:
Word Man has informed me via FB email that he deleted his dating profile and is very much looking forward to our Scrabble re-match. Oooooohh I do LOVE Scrabble…. WAIT! WHAT?! What’s UP with these guys anyway? I’m starting to get a complex here… That’s two meet-n-deletes that I know of.
M…ahhhh Mr. M…. I have a confession to make with that too. Yes, I do like M. And without a doubt, even like him the best by far of all my dates and prospects even… but that is a truly relative and honest disclosure in this particular situation. I think I raise his likeability “status” because it’s merely an “in comparison” attraction (mayyyybe slightly higher-but that’s admittedly minimal) there. Yes, I am interested in seeing him, do think he’s a fun date and good guy, but there’s really just not all that much there for me. Not as much as I’d like to convince myself there is… Crushing is so fun!! I like him well enough to date him and even enough to have sex with him sometimes – now and then, but I must tell you, it’s a just barely-above-mediocre-feeling at best. It’s far too little to be a blow-out relationship, way too mediocre to even qualify into a mad, passionate sheerly sexual affair…and sadly, probably just enough to be too much for the friends-thing. Ugh!
Argh..the dating dilemmas and doldrums…
No more email reading for me for a bit… I think I’ll just go swim naked, re-do my toenail, polish, take two Excedrin, and overdose on some rainbows, butterflies and unicorns!