It’s love or hate for me…nothing in the middle it seems…
Having way too much “alone time” this weekend shoves my brain into overdrive. Wow… life really has bad timing sometimes, doesn’t it? There’s just nothing like feeling confused, hurt and kinda sad on a long holiday weekend in a new town, with no friends or family around!
…Reflecting on various things about me, my relationships, and the uncanny and random directions of life paths.
Apparently I can’t leave well enough alone because I wrote to M apologizing for offending him (although I still really have no idea how I was offensive?!). It was important to me to write this because I like to think I live a calm, peaceful existence and I have low tolerance for hurting others in any way. I felt this email was kind and considerate and it would also alleviate my guilt at him feeling “really offended”.
So imagine my surprise when I jump on FB to copy, paste, and mail this email…….and discover M has DELETED me from his FB friends!!
WOW-ZA! That’s harsh! With consideration of the fact that he rarely facebooks (yeah, I’m using “Facebook” as a verb…hehe;-) ) I’m shocked that he not only took the time to do this, but also that he would do it at all. Why? Was there some fear I was going to get all crazy up on his FB page in public? Stalk him via Facebook? No seriously, why? Why would someone do this? What purpose does this serve under the circumstances?
Other than sending him one email on there last week, I don’t even utilize FB to communicate with him. We never have actually, so any concerns that I might make a public fuss or do something stupid or irrational at all, much less on FB, are surely unwarranted. So WHY?
It’s silly and shouldn’t matter at all, but I have to confess, it really hurts my feelings. It just seems mean and petty for the sole purpose of just being mean and petty. WTF did *I* do that was bad enough or “crazy” enough to eliminate a social networking connection even”?
Apparently when M decides he wants to “just be friends”, then if you feel confused about that, you don’t get to even be a Facebook acquaintance/friend?
Why would he bother to go on a site he never uses anyway to delete me? Why would this be necessary? Why? Why? Why??
I wonder what it is about me that makes people love or hate me? I’m a fairly easy-going person in general… In fact, I think I’m so mild-mannered and passive in general that I’m pretty boring on the surface! Yet, I swear people either feel strongly about me in one direction or another or they just don’t feel anything at all. There’s rarely anything in the middle for the people in my life, past or present. I suppose I should like the fact that obviously I at least invoke feelings of passion in one way or another, right? I don’t though. I’m perfectly okay with middle-of-the-road thoughts and feelings and especially for FB friends! Good GAWD, what kind of friendship “commitment” is FB anyway? It isn’t. Well except maybe for “those” certain people who bug the living bejeezus out of you on there, but geesh, that’s not me! I don’t harass people or stalk people or publicly post anything inappropriate. GEESH…this really hurts my feelings.
I’m flabbergasted by this action and I’m reflecting so much on all the people in my life over the years that were madly in love with me (friends or otherwise) and then ended up just hating me when something happened like the friendship had issues, or we broke up, or whatever… I can only feel that strongly about people who have hurt me terribly or people who harass me so I feel the need to protect myself from those things ever happening again. Then, I might need to delete a FB friend or hold onto strong feelings about that person out of fear or something. I see how this happens when you have a sordid history with a person and/or fears about that person. I get that completely…
With all the extra time alone on my hands today, I’m deeply wondering exactly what is it about me that makes me so easy to love and even easier to hate it seems?
For such a peaceful, fun-loving, accepting, “do-gooder” person as I am (and seriously people, I am!!), I think it’s entirely possible at the end of my life that I’m going to have the longest list of haters ever… the kind of list that might be appropriate for political reasons or say, Adolf Hitler sized karma or something of that magnitude.
GEESH, I don’t have a long list of “oops…probably shouldn’t have done that or said this or treated so-and-so like that”. I would venture so far as to say the number of people I’ve even inadvertently hurt can be counted on one hand even. I’m not perfect by far, but I’m extremely sensitive to hurting people or damaging anyone or anything. I want to leave the lightest footprint in this world as possible, and not just environmentally, but emotionally too. I love and accept most anyone and everything until that becomes a potential hazard or danger to my peace. And even then I don’t go on a hate rampage or anything big and terrible; I just quietly keep away and stay away. It’s of the utmost importance to me that the emotional footprint I leave on people and the world in general be heavy only in positive energies like kindness and love. I have lived by that creed for as long as I can remember.
So how is this perpetual love/hate me (and mostly hate it seems right now) element even possible? I don’t know and I don’t like it. I shouldn’t care so much, I know, I know… Screw ’em all anyway! Ughhh… But I do care. It’s bothersome and hurtful to know I’m so hated by so many…for no reason.
Anyway, I apologize for this whiney, self-righteous, and probably trivial post. I’m really struggling with this today! All the negative energy this creates in my head and my life is not leaving just a gentle footprint on ME! Ugh…