Thinking of canceling the “swimming” date with “M”…just can’t shake that funky feeling… yesterday, I thought, well the worst that can happen is maybe he’ll “like how I look in a swimsuit” and want sex. And that’s not typically my thing, but I really just don’t know at this point. Then I realized that it really all depends on how much (if) I really like him “that way”. If I genuinely like him, then even if I want to have sex with him, I’ll probably wait. The quandary for me in that has several concepts. 1. He can only hurt my feelings with the sex thing if I like like him. 2. If I don’t and yet am attracted to him like that, I’m okay with just a sex thing. 3. Hell, in that case I’m perfectly okay with just using my body to obnoxiously flirt with him. 4. I’m not having sex with anyone else right now, so what difference would it make?
To be honest with myself, I’m not really sure exactly what I’m looking for anyway with this whole experiment, other than meeting new people. I’m not in an emotional position to meet someone and fall in love. That’s not really part of the mission or attraction with this, so that does add a degree of protection around my heart. If I don’t have feelings for the guy, will it hurt to get used for my body? Does that kind of thing hurt even if a person’s not interested in any kind of emotional thing anyway? I really don’t know…
…and maybe (and I’m speaking theoretically here only)I just want to have sex. There’s nothing wrong with that dammit. If I like “M”, am having a good time with him tonight, and he just wants my body, and I want to share that with him, then no problem… He’s not really my type to lust after really… Not that I didn’t find him physically appealing…I did… He’s just not “my” kinda lust object. Sadly for me, my “lust object would have to either look like my ex-boyfriend (yummy) or perhaps look strikingly like Matt Damon, with the wit and intellectual appeal Matt holds as well. Because I really can’t decide if I’d find Matt Damon quite as appealing if he wasn’t so wickedly witty and freakin’ intelligent. Ummm of course he’s adorable to look at, but I was cursed with the whole neuro-gasmic appeal for men. While I can certainly look at a guy as some delicious eye-candy by appearance alone, I can’t possibly feel undeniably and irresistibly physically drawn to a man who doesn’t have those last two traits. We’re talking the difference here between, Ummm, yeah, he’s hot and “OMFG, I MUST (throw-my-naked-body-at-his- mercy-pull-his-hair-and-BEG) have him. Although my physical attraction “look” in a guy varies widely…these other two things are the Holy Grail for me… combine the three…and OMG…that’s where I become putty in a man’s hands. Yeah, it’s to the point of embarrassingly appealing to me…
M is fairly attractive (read: he’s “okay”), but I haven’t had enough time with him yet to determine the other two. It’s clear he’s not stupid by any means, but beyond that, I’ve no real gauge of his intellectual capacity. And as far as funny, I really don’t know. I did find it truly odd that he talked to me of reading on women’s pages on the site the frequency which he saw the statement, “If a guy can make me laugh he can have whatever he wants” or something to that effect…. He expressed how strange he felt this was to me. Honestly, I didn’t know if he thought it odd that women would say “have anything they want(about anything)” or thought the huge attraction to funny guys in general was odd. Even as he was saying this, I had to stop and think if my page said anything like this because although it’s not safe to say this kind of guy can “have anything he wants” with me…umm…it IS safe to say, that kind of guy has legs (and feet and arms and torsos) up on the rest of the pool of potentials. A moderately attractive man who can make me laugh becomes promoted to extremely attractive. Even a relatively unattractive (to me) man often gets all the way to “attractive” in my eyes if he regularly makes me laugh. It’s just one of those things that can’t be explained, but I have experienced it on several occasions and know it to be a simple fact. Perhaps laughter releases sexual-attraction hormones or something?
So what about this did M find so “odd”? And is it odd to him because he lacks it and hasn’t experienced the woman who was mildly interested suddenly throwing herself at him after a few good belly-laughs?
Wow!! I’m babbling out of direction this morning with this… (GAWD…see what just thinking about that kind of thing does to me…Geesh…??!!?)
My burning inner question actually is the sex with M thing. If I go swimming with him and feel a physical attraction, I might not be opposed to a let’s just fuck attitude. And although he has expressed some interest in me, in my opinion, it’s been relatively mild and therefore, this would not be wrong or manipulative to do with him.
However, if I feel truly attracted to him on several levels(which usually has to be the case in order for me to even want to “just fuck” with wild abandon), then having crazy-spontaneous-WTF-sex with him might leave me open to a vulnerability of getting hurt. I firmly believe in taking chances in life like this and sometimes getting hurt is part of the experience, but right now, in my current situation being so far from friends, family, and all I’ve ever known, the last thing I need right now is even a mild heart break on top of the rest. It’s a catch-22 of epic proportions and actually leaves me frightened to go on this “date” tonight. I even woke at 3 AM this morning with the firm resolve to cancel the whole damned stupid thing rather than risk it.
Usually, that in itself, would be enough to make me just decide to stay home with a bottle of wine and a few good movies tonight. And yet, I’m still definitely overwhelmingly curious as to how this whole thing might play out – on both his part and my own. It feels like one of those children’s mystery books with several different possible endings: If Sally picks A, then continue on to chapter 7. If Sally picks B, then go to chapter 12…
In my current bored and lonely friendless state, with my freakin’ confounding overly-curious brain, can I resist this kind of mystery? Should I? Isn’t this what makes life, life?