Proactive defense is an excellent strategy in sports. It’s vital to a successful team even! I get that. I enjoy it; hell, I even cheer it on!
However, in relationships, I’ve deep suspicions that this is one tactic that might make the average, typical person go freakin berserk… Ummm…yuk! I value my sanity or what I have left of it anyway…;-)
So listen, if I’m going to accuse you of something, well then allow me to accuse you before you hit full strength defensive strategy, okay? Because, when someone hasn’t accused you of anything at all and you’re throwing defenses left and right at them, suddenly all those thoughts and suspicions that weren’t even there are suddenly there.
If this common practice wasn’t so maddening, I’d actually find it comical…but the truth is, it’s incredibly maddening. Allow me to share a personal story here to offer some insight into me as a person and put this in a clear perspective, from my perspective.
I am not and have never been in my life, suspicious. It’s just not my nature at all. I don’t look through my boyfriend’s phone. I don’t go through my husband’s pockets. I just don’t. I really don’t see the point.
I value my privacy, as well as my good character quite highly and I don’t appreciate anyone invading that or questioning those valuable parts of me. Therefore, I simply don’t do that to others. For me, if I’m even considering such a thing, it means I need to move on. Yeah, it also means I have millions of “unanswered questions” in my life situations and yeah, that kinda sucks. But I would rather have unanswered questions than be that detective chick running around investigating her boyfriend or husband. That would make me feel disrespectful and a little “dirty” by proxy. And anyway, the critical elements are really just over before it ever gets to that disturbing, distrustful point. So why would I?
Don’t misunderstand, the deeply inquisitive nature I have certainly makes me almost wish I had done some investigating in past situations, but only so I could have that knowledge or confirmation or whatever answer I never got or perhaps some validation of certain lies I suspect I’ve been told. I don’t look down on anyone for being smart and resourceful enough to not let anyone make then feel crazy and just get the definitive and irrefutable answers for themselves. In fact, I’m a bit envious of that….like I said, I’ve many unanswered questions still hanging around from years ago that I really wish I had the answers to. But I don’t. And I’m not even exaggerating when I say it’s just not IN me. I don’t think like that and I don’t even know how to begin such things. I don’t know how to be sneaky or investigative about someone I’m in a relationship with, although I think those are useful qualities to have in certain circumstances. I quite literally just don’t have them.
Prime example of the extreme lack of this in my character: My (ex) husband was a womanizer of epic proportion when I met him. Everyone knew this at our place of work. His reputation was infamous, well known, and well documented by the majority…and still he didn’t struggle to find willing women throwing themselves at him. I could go on and on about the irony of that relationship given our different personalities, blah blah, blah.. Sum it up to tell you that after we were only married a few months, his “buddy” (a stripper with a striking resemblance to a live, walking, talking dancing version of beautiful-but-trampy Barbie) was having boyfriend problems. She was calling my husband in the middle of the night, asking him to save her from her abusive boyfriend. Now, I’m not stupid…I had no doubts whatsoever that he had had sexual relations with that girl. I never asked; I didn’t need to. It was an obvious thing and I really didn’t care who he’d slept with before me. When he started getting these nightly damsel-in-distress calls from her, I suggested he not only go get her from these situations, but that for her safety, she just stay with us until she worked out another place to live. Yeah, this was my idea. It’s not that I didn’t care if he cheated on me; it’s more that I’m of the mind-set that if he was going to do that, then he was going to and that’s that. And if he did, then I don’t need to interrogate him or track his activities, I just have to decide what I think is best for me to do with the relationship from there. It’s that simple to me.
I’m sure I sound like a real ignoramus to most of the people out there and that’s okay. I know that this isn’t a lack of intelligence thing for me. It’s just literally and totally not in my nature to be “suspicious”. At any given time, it is what it is. What will be, will be. And if something happens that I don’t understand or doesn’t make logical sense to me, I’m not going to beat it up, scream or yell, don a disguise and follow my husband. Although again, I kinda admire the women who do this and get ALL the facts for themselves, but really, then what do they have after they’ve done all that stuff? The same thing they had before it; whatever that was. So, I’m just gong to decide if I need to stay or need to leave.
I can’t change his behavior. I can’t change what he’s doing or is going to do; wants to do, or might do… And quite honestly, I just don’t have any interest to invest that much negative energy into my life. I spend my precious emotional energy loving and trusting the people I choose to have in my life. At the end of the day (or relationship, whatever), it still is exactly what it is…or was…or was always going to be anyway.
I know that this overly trusting and naïve nature of mine leads people to think I’m easy to fool or manipulate. That’s okay. I’m not going to change a precious part of me that I value just to get all the facts to prove what I most likely already know. I enjoy being trusted and not having to answer constant invading questions about my behavior, my choices, or my activities at any moment. Thus, I’m going to give that to any other person. (Yeah, I practice the Golden Rule to the extreme) If a person takes advantage of that, then I already know as much as I need to in order to make my choices in response. And up until I do know these things or need to make my choices in relation to them, then I get to live blissfully. Yeah, maybe in ignorance…but I place an extremely high value on bliss…so I’m not going to go out of my way to disrupt that in my life until it’s time to make a choice of action.
The bottom line for me is that I don’t believe my naïveté or trusting nature allows people in my relationships to cheat on me or take advantage or pushes them to do such things. I don’t believe this innate part of me causes anyone to be unfaithful or maybe lie or whatever. If this happens, said person was going to do that anyway, whether I gave them my trust and freedom to do so or not. They have free will to do what they’re going to do. I’ve merely saved myself a ton of heartache and sleepless nights, fret, frustration and worry.. And those are all things I do not want to have anyway. The outcome is still the same as it would be, so why wouldn’t I save myself all the garbage and negative energy? I choose to be happy, comfortable, and secure as often as is humanly possible. No situation, no man, no relationship of any kind is going to take that precious element of peace and happiness away from me, if there’s any way at all I can prevent it! Once they have, I typically know it’s just time for me to walk away. We don’t have to “talk” or “argue” or hash out the details in a big wave of negative and hurtful energy. No. I don’t need that either; so I’m simply not going to be a part of it. The big, important stuff is already what it is. It’s probably just time to go.
My peace and my inner state of bliss will not be compromised… And no healthy relationship worth a damn will compromise such beautiful aspects of my nature. If it does, it isn’t worth holding on to or fighting for anyway….and if it doesn’t, then it won’t compromise my nature in the first place.
So to many, what seems like my ignorance or stupidity is merely my choice to remain true to my inner values and also stay as close to a state of bliss as I possibly can.