Category Archives: wild abandon

Too good to be true…or simply a blessed gift of sorts?

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Sooooo after all my dating endeavors and life upheavals since the beginning of this little project, it all comes down to the tried and true.  I met a wonderful man with absolutely zero assistance of any  dating sites.

To be totally honest, I really couldn’t blame the dating sites themselves, as I didn’t devote much time or effort into that aspect.  On an effort scale of 1-10 (10 being a great deal of effort), I’d give myself a solid 4 and even that rating would need to fluctuate between a 0 and 4, with 4 being the most effort I put into it at all.

However, I have come to this conclusion (fair or otherwise) in regard to online dating sites: the majority of men I met fell into one of four categories.  1: desperately seeking casual or kinky sex.  2: desperately seeking period (needy clingers).  3:  Just plain odd, weird, or borderline scary. And 4: any combination of the previous three.

Perhaps if I’d put in more effort or taken the experience more seriously, I’d have had better results, but really the whole thing was more of a way to meet people and experience the concept of just randomly dating in itself (which I’ve not done much of in my life prior).

I’d definitely do it all over again, though.  I had so many laughs and learning experiences that it was well worth it – disappointments and all. Hmmmm…well, after reflecting on that for a moment here, I believe most of the truly fun  part of the whole experience was in blogging and discussing it with the terrific people I came to know via this blog; without being able to laugh and share with you all, I really think it would have been mostly just weird and disappointing.  It’s you people here who made it an absolute blast…and nothing that creates that much laughter and/or compassionate support through life’s knocks outside of dating, could ever be regretted!

And so I move on to the amazing guy I met…  After going months without even looking at or checking on my dating sites and not even thinking about dating, true to the timelessly tried and true old adage, when you stop looking, it finds you.  And R certainly found me!  At around noon on a random Saturday, horribly hung-over, wearing not a stitch of makeup and carelessly thrown on clothes to go to retrieve my debit card from the site of the criminal partying and reconnecting with some dear, dear friends the evening before, I order a bloody mary to assist with my recovery attempt.  I sat on the patio, sipping my drink with a friend and making casual conversation with a group of people doing the very same and reminiscing about the fun shenanigans the prior evening.

Not able to finish my healing concoction, I returned inside to tab out at last.  Being only noon-ish, there were only 3 people sitting inside the pub.  Two were old regulars and one was a very handsome face I’d not seen before, looking fresh and outdoorsy from an early walk on the beach just down the street and not at all like he was nursing a painful hang-over! I was feeling embarrassed for this handsome guy to hear me tabbing out from the evening before, so I made a casual joking remark to him about doing the “debit card walk of shame” since he was looking at me and was within ear shot of my conversation with the bartender.  Naturally having no thought whatsoever that in my haphazard appearance would he ever find me remotely attractive nor think much of me at all except maybe that I might in fact be a party girl/alcoholic type. Yet somehow my boldness (sheerly from my embarrassment) led to a little chat, which led to an exchange of numbers and then a date for later that night.

Guy was in town from Atlanta, GA visiting his family for the weekend and had gone earlier to enjoy the beach he missed so much, and deciding to stop by this little lakeside pub for a beer on his way home.  His gentle, yet masculine, voice and soft southern accent very distinctly reminded me of my dad who passed away suddenly in March.  This surprising element (being in Michigan) put me at total ease.  His handsome looks and southern gentleman charm of course added interest and intrigue to the whole exchange.

We went that evening on one of the best dates I’ve ever had in my entire life (no kidding!!).  We talked and laughed so much the time flew by.  It felt as though he was an old friend or boyfriend from years earlier and we had all these years to catch up on life’s happenings and only one evening in which to do so since he was returning to Atlanta the next afternoon.

When he finally dropped me off back at home, I had a long, detailed conversation about my night with my roommate.  We both decided he was definitely too good to be true and had to be either married or hiding some kind of criminal past.  Guys like this just don’t exist anymore!

In addition, with the extreme unlikelihood of our ever crossing paths and the so random and atypical circumstances of our chance meeting, there was this undeniably strong and uncanny feeling that somehow my dad had sent him to me.  This guy not only does the exact same type of work as my dad had done and got his training for said work in the military just as my dad had, but his every characteristic was precisely the type of man my dad always hoped I would meet, as well as encompassed the qualities of my dad which I respect and admire with all my heart (even the whole southern gentleman thing, which is my dad to a “T”).  To add to this coincidence, it turned out that his mother who had passed away a few years earlier, actually worked at my place of employment all her life, doing the exact same job as I!  It all seemed way too coincidental to really be random at all.

I was smitten (albeit nervous because of the whole too good to be true aspect) and fortunately enough, he was equally as smitten with me.

We’ve been doing the long distance thing which is not so easy.  However, he works for a major airline and flies free, so we have nearly every weekend together, so it could be far more difficult otherwise.  After a great deal of tragic family events, I’ve taken a temporary leave of absence from my job and come to stay with him in Atlanta to get away from all the stress and pain which lingers heavily in Michigan; to find healing and hopefully a sense of peace again in a place which feels safe and healthy.

Of course, we’re still getting to know each other more with every passing day and he’s certainly not perfect (thankfully, as I’m certainly not either…hahah), but he’s definitely handsome and kind; charming and manly; intelligent, interesting, funny, and has excellent standards, morals and ethics.

We are taking a cruise through the Virgin Islands at the end of this month.  I’m so excited!  Only time will tell what will happen next and meanwhile, I’m slowly but surely falling head over heels in love!

Kindly define “slut”, please? (emphasis on KINDLY)

I should wear this as a fair warning!

Oh the shame…  I am a POS for sure! What the FUCK is the matter with me? I freakin’ define the essence of a hypocrite!  Everything I believe in and hold dear as a moral conscientious way of life, I just defy as though it’s merely a challenge to see how far I can go to disgust myself.

Yuk.  I am yuk.

Twin is so terrific!  So kind to me.  So what I clearly don’t deserve.

I finally, after a great deal of asking, conceded to hang out with a guy I’m friends with, whom I did have sex with a few times long ago.  I really wanted to be friends with this guy, as we always have fun together…

Wait, maybe that’s just fun sex?  There was a point in time after I first met this guy that I thought perhaps I might actually be into him.  Into him as in like him, want something with him, etc., etc…

But I really don’t think I do.  I mean, I like some things “about” him.  I like that he is motivated and driven for self-improvement.  I like that he’s a dedicated father to his son. His looks are just a bit above okay; definitely not my kinda gorgeous, but appealing for sure.

I don’t like:  he is pretentious, talks of money constantly ( umm…a HUGE no-no from where I come from; one does not speak of money – it’s “trashy”): as in who has it, who doesn’t,  how much he hopes to make..  He’s a name-dropper (Oh GAWDDDD!).

WTF?

He kept saying, we have to hang out, Kay, when are you free Kay?, what are you doing this weekend Kay?  Want to meet up for happy hour Kay?

And I kept dodging it.  Why?  Because I know that I like having sex with him.  I know that he really likes having sex with me.  I know that I’m not so into sex with the Twin…and I get that this combination is simply a recipe for disaster under the circumstances.  No, he’s not the ex by far, but well, yeah, he’s a definite runner-up.

After months of dodging, I finally deceived myself into hanging out with him and submerging myself in the denial of I can keep it non-physical. However, disinterested in Twin I am physically, I’m not “that” girl.  I’m no cheater, scandalous vixen.  I’ve no desire to hurt Twin.  No desire to disrespect him or his kindness. No ability to tread on his heart like I’m incidentally squashing a bug under my shoe (which I ironically actually try to avoid in itself as well- literally).

No.  I am scum after all.  I cheated on Twin. I feel disgusted with myself.  And gosh, NOW how can I attempt a healthy sexual relationship with Twin??  With all this guilt and shame of cheating?

Did I cheat?  You know what sucks to me about relationships at this era in my life?  How do you know?  What are the boundaries of the unspoken?  It’s not like back in the younger years where you ask, Will you be my girlfriend (i.e., meaning will you not date anyone else?).  That doesn’t seem to be said outright.  It’s more of an unspoken thing, I think?

Because the only semi-conversation about this I’ve had with Twin was when my girlfriend’s buddy was hard core hitting on me one night when I wasn’t with Twin and she says to Twin a few days later, I think you’ve got some competition.  To which Twin replies, Kay’s a big girl.  She can make her own choices.

I don’t know what that means!  I like the non-possessive stance!  I like the implied trust (oh geesh, did I just say TRUST?) factor of that response.  I like the adult-like feeling of hey, yup, we are grown -ups now.  No one can force another to be faithful.  It’s always a choice. There is no sense in tantrum throwing insane jealousy behavior.  We are not chained.  It’s a choice we make to be together, to be faithful.

I really liked Twin’s response to this little gauntlet thrown by my friend.  Perfect response actually!

So, does this mean I owe Twin a confession of my spontaneous (yes my denial is still in there!) tryst with Mr. Pretentious?  What will Twin do?  Will he just say, Choice made dear…see ya…?  Will he just think, Hmm…so it’s all fair game now? YAY??!!  Will he say, Wow!  You’re just a nasty hateful tramp, huh?  F*$# off Kay! And if so, might that be for the best?

I don’t know.  I mean, I really don’t know!  I can only imagine it certainly won’t feel good for Twin. I’m positive it’s not going to give him that warm, loving, trusting (EEK…there it is again!) feeling…

I’m sure anyone who reads my blog or has gotten to know me somewhat through my confessions here might be disgusted with me after this.  I don’t blame you.

How dare I date?  How dare I try to presume the stance of being a nice person just hoping to meet a nice guy to spend some quality time with?  How dare I?!

In spite of the clear lack of morals I’ve demonstrated with this, I’m not one who holds guilt well.  My shame will always tell on me.  I mean, I really DO have a conscience which desires to harm nothing; to treat others as I hope to be treated, to always tread softly in regard to people’s feelings.

My head spins heavy among daggers of guilt, fear and not knowing the damage (or lack thereof?) done.

Ewwwwww….I’m yukky and disgraceful.  Selfish and scandalous.

I’m really sorry.

Hot Stranger Boys, Cliché’s, and those confounding timeless questions of life

Am I in a downward spiral and don’t know it?  Has the incessant spiraling now become too standard for me to realize what I’m doing and perhaps I’m too dizzy to be aware of what’s happening?  Wait…is this the frog boiling on the stove analogy happening as I type? 

A few details:

ABD is a  super nice guy, way laid back, didn’t meet him online, but through a friend.  I don’t know his actual age, but I’m confidently guessing him at somewhere in the vicinity of ten years older than I or more.  I don’t want that to matter.  I want to focus on nice guy…not at all bad looking, unmarried, and seems so very kind (in fact it is his computer on which I type this).  We had drinks together in a small group one evening shortly after I returned.  He felt as though he knew me before…ummmm, I’m pretty sure not.  I’m horribly forgetful, but I don’t usually forget faces and I didn’t recognize him by any means. 

Wasn’t at all interested in dating him, but enjoyed hanging out with him.  Then I was coaxed pushed into going on a double date to a Halloween party with him. I had a nice time.  It was fun to flirt and just relax for a while…still not interested in him at all though!  Afterward, he offers to let me use his extra laptop for a while.  This is terrific, as I love to write and my daughters need a computer for a lot of their homework assignments.  So of course, I gratefully accepted…and now he emails and calls regularly.  I feel guilty that I don’t want to see him or hang out.  The naked truth is I’m not all that interested in seeing most anyone or hanging out much at all really.  Too much going on personally, so much I’m dealing with, with the children, and my stress level automatically prioritizes.  Dating someone or even just hanging out with a guy who is interested that way while I’m not, just feels like a lot more added stress and guilt on an already over-loaded situation.

He has gotten insistent a few times and I just keep throwing my excuses at him…  What??  They’re valid!  They are!  Okay yeah, so maybe they also happen to be convenient excuses to not go out with a guy I’m really not interested in anyway but who is just so nice, I wish I could be interested.  He’s also a quite the pot smoker, which I’m not at all.  I don’t judge his choice for the marijuana bit (to each his own), but add that he rides a Harley and wears his greying hair in a ponytail…these things somehow add to his age in my mind.  Maybe he should seem younger than his age, but in reality (well, my reality), these things make him appear the “Aging Biker Guy”.  I was never one for pot, but I do recall a few bad-boy stoner/biker guys from high school and college who I secretly crushed on. I kinda liked thewhole  James Dean-ish  image thing, but I never would have dated one…even then! Somehow now, and at his age, it all just screams of the ridiculous.  I struggle to take the image he presents seriously….it almost makes me giggle at the cliché.  Yet, I don’t believe he’s trying for this cliché thing; it seems to be who he’s always been, not some mid-life crisis ordeal, and how does one change who they are?  Why should they?  Just because they’ve become a walking, talking, pot smoking, Harley riding, pony tail wearing cliché?  Is it really even a cliché if it’s what you’ve always been?    Seriously…you gotta be who you are, right?  Yup, I agree, but that doesn’t mean I can bring myself to be interested in dating one even if it really is just who he is.  So I make excuses…valid ones, yeah, but I admit they are excuses…  I’m really sorry AB…truly…  Ummm… it’s just never  gonna happen..

Topic two: A few weeks ago, I went bowling with a group of friends.  We had a great time.  It was terrific to catch up and just be goofy with friends for a while.  Unfortunately, here is where I have a few confessions to make.

I’m not much of a drinker.  Sure, I love a few glasses of wine with dinner, a few beers with friends, or occasionally a few drinks when I go dancing, but I’m just not a very good drinker beyond that. My catch-22 with the drinking thing is that I rarely want to drink anything beyond that unless I’m stressed…and let me tell you, I don’t know exactly what it is, but I can not handle alcohol when I’m too stressed.  It must be something in my brain chemicals or hormonal… hell, I don’t know! Does this indicate alcoholism?  I’ve pondered that even…  It’s a sad thing that when I’m most interested in escaping and forcing some relaxation on my brain and body with a few too many is precisely the exact time which my brain and body can’t tolerate much alcohol at all, much less beyond what I typically know I can handle gracefully.

…so a few weeks ago…bowling…drinks…fun with friends… Everyone decides to go to a bar to listen to a live band, dance, and drink a bit more.  I know I should just go home, but the kids are gone for the weekend, I’ve been way stressed, and I’m happy to be out among friends..and truthfully, I just don’t feel like going home anyway, so I join them to the next place.

I’m dancing like a foolish idiot…yeah..that’s okay.  I do that.  It’s not my first time.  I’m not so ashamed…  I probably think I’m dancing like Beyonce, when in fact it resembles Elaine from Seinfeld.  I know….  Hey,   I’m not trying to impress anyone, I’m just having fun.  If you don’t like it, you really don’t have to watch.  I know it might be like a train wreck where you don’t wanna look, but can’t help yourself…  Whatever. That’s your problem.

Anyway, I’m dancing like the sexy beast I am and a few more old friends show up.  Yay!  This is awesome….and they start buying shots…  This seems like a good idea since I’m stressed and yet I do know that it isn’t a good idea since I’m stressed…  But I drink them and I think I’m grateful…

When somehow, in the midst of this whole shenanigan, Hot Stranger Boy starts talking to me.  Yeah, I gotta go with “boy” here, as I’m thinking he’s early 20’s if he’s even a day.  I really don’t know how or why hot boy and I are talking.  It’s all rather jumbled at that point.  I’m no cougar though.  In fact, I don’t typically find myself even attracted to guys who are more than one or two years younger than I.  It’s just not my thing.  Don’t misunderstand, I might find them attractive yeah, but I just don’t find myself attracted TO them.  But apparently, this guy, this situation, these drinks, this I-don’t-freakin’-know-what, brings me to find hot stranger boy attractive and we decide it’s a great idea that he comes over.

What?  Who decided this?  And what in the hell was that person thinking?  This is not a good idea on several levels.  One:  I’ve had way too much to drink; two:  I’m stressed out of my mind and suffering from a temporary case of blonde n’ flighty ADD (which I tend to do when stressed)and three:  hot boy is a BOY.  What in the hell is happening here?  Who’s in charge?  I need to speak to them immediately because someone needs to get a grip on this sitch…and soon…

Not me, though, for the precise reasons this was not a good idea are the same reasons me getting a grip on this sitch and putting it into perspective under the circumstances was just not going to happen.  Hot Stranger Boy and I get dropped at my house, which happens to be empty of anyone except the Hot Boy and myself.  Coincidence?  Uhh, I think not…

As soon as we are in my house, alone, I must have had a brief moment of perspective because I remember suddenly feeling kinda nervous and thinking (to myself of course), this just might not be a good idea.  I should drive him home.  Ohh hell no…I can’t drive in my intoxicated state.  But yeah, I’m responsible so I do the next best thing; I suggest we have a glass of wine and a cigarette.  What?!  I never said I made good choices under these circumstances, even while in “perspective” mode.  Yeah, another glass of wine was the last thing on earth I/we needed.  But I open a bottle of Seven Deadly Zins and we proceed to have a glass.  I start looking for my iPod..can’t find it…  No worries…Hot Stranger Boy’s got this.  He plays his; he selects John Mayer.   And now we have it… too many drinks plus, Hot Stranger Boy, and sexy music. Seriously, I’m feeling like I just got thrust into some teen-age movie or worse yet, a Lifetime cougar movie of the week!  Fast forward through the small talk and whatnot…

Next thing I know, hot boy and I are getting wild and crazy in my bedroom right next to his iPhone playing random John Mayer tunes.  Umm, I really couldn’t tell you how/when we moved from the somewhat safety of the living room sofa to my just-waiting-to-be-frollicked-upon big empty bed of unspeakable potentials, but somehow we managed. I probably should feel a little embarrassed at this whole scenario, but really, I don’t.  I’m okay with this as a random spontaneous act of stress and alcohol related I-don’t-give-a-damn madness.  Not to mention, the sex with Hot Stranger Boy was pretty good although the details are fuzzy (Damned alcohol anyway!).  …but true to my nature, I could never leave it at this small, somewhat understandable level of age-inappropriate behavioral embarrassment.  Nooooo, of course not.

After a few rounds of juicy sexual shenanigans with HSB, the alcohol is really settling in and I start dozing off.  When suddenly, my bladder screams, Get your ass up!  You have to go potty!  I’m half asleep and almost feel like I can put this off until morning..almost like I must put this off until morning.  I can’t get up dammit, much less fully wake up!  But my bladder insisted so I sleepily stumbled to the bathroom down the hall…

And right here…here is where I don’t understand what in the HELL happened…  ALL I know is that the next thing I recall clearly (yeah, clearly is a drunken, half-asleep relative term at this point) is I’m sitting on the edge of the bathtub, with my ass hanging over the edge of the bathtub.  Why?  Fuck if I know…I just am, okay?  I’m sitting there, approximately five feet or so away from the toilet, naked as the day I was born, when HSB comes sailing into the bathroom!  And before I could even begin to process all of the components of this unbelievable situation, he asks casually, whatchya doin’?  Are you peeing in the bathtub?

What am I doingHuh?  Did you just ask me what I’m doing? Because that seems a really stupid question, I’m clearly sitting on the edge of the bathtub with my ass hanging over the tub…  I don’t freakin’ have a clue what I’m doing!  Why else would I be sitting on the edge of the bathtub, naked, at 4 AM…if I knew what in the hell I was doing?  What could possibly be confusing about this?  I’m obviously half asleep, intoxicated, and had to stop a few feet from the toilet to gather my thoughts and reflect on my actions here…duhhhh…  I mean, what else would I be doing?! …Psh…peeing in the bathtub…are you kiddin’ me?!

Ummmmm…omg…. did I pee in the bathtub?  I really can’t be certain.  I can’t imagine I did.  And beyond any stretch of my wild imagination, I can’t imagine why I would.  I mean, geesh WTF?!  I know where to pee…  Don’t I? 

I’m not so sure anymore as I truly have not a clue what I was doing sitting there.  This might turn out to be one of those timeless questions of life…  Like, what does it all mean?  Why are we here?  Why are round pizzas put in squares? What is the purpose of it all?  Why was I sitting with my naked ass hanging over the bathtub?

Make out or Macrame’…hmmmm…

Vegas!

Whoa… Vegas is crazy!  It sucked the writer out of me there for a minute…but I’ve collected my thoughts as much as is possible given the randomized, sporadic pattern of said thoughts and I’m getting back on track!  By the way, “collecting my thoughts” is one of my favorite phrases…like snatch and serendipity, I just like to say/think/write those words as much as I can possibly squeeze them into my vernacular!

After last Thursday’s date with Mr. Nurse, as well as some interesting thoughts from a few other blogger/daters, I’ve re-worded both my “looking for” and “write me if”.  I’ve opted to remove all of the potential “romantic” element and merely post that I’m looking to meet “friends” and friends in the literal, not trendy (FWB), sense.  I did this after my date with Mr. Nurse because although Nurse-guy was a handsome, intelligent and fairly fun guy, it became pretty clear to me around midnight of our date that his intentions posted on the dating site are possibly not entirely truthful.

After a great afternoon hanging out on the strip for coffee and chit-chat, he invited me out later that night to an open-mic night at a little dive bar in his neck of the woods.  Nurse-guy likes to sing and play the guitar.  Awww... I loved this!We were having a delightful time at this shin-dig!  I met a few really nice people and heard some great music.  Around midnight, Nurse says to me, “Are you ready to go?”  I’m definitely ready to leave, eat, or go somewhere else at this point and I assume this is what he means; “ready?” as in “ready to leave?”

Yes, I am.  So he walks me to my car, where he kisses me and then basically invites himself over to my house.  I’m not against this entirely, but I’m a little suspicious at the way he maneuvers this…something just felt “off”…  I want to assume the best though; he seems super nice.  I tell him that it’s no problem to come over to my house to watch movies (my idea) or maybe go into the hot tub (his idea), whatever… He responds to this with, I’m not looking for a relationship, you know?

Hmm…..the timing of this really just struck me as strange.  I mean, what does that have to do with anything, unless maybe you’re making some assumptions about what I really mean by saying you’re welcome to come over?  I really don’t see the correlation between let’s hang out at your house….yeah, okay…straight to “but you should know I don’t want a relationship right now.”

I’m not sure I’m following this train of thought…?

Anyway, he’s following me to my house, when I start getting a little worried about how this all connects…and I start doubting my choice to have him over at this time of night, after a few drinks…

Once we get to my house, he’s cool.  He starts kissing me and clearly wants to make out.  Umm…call me a tramp, call me Suzy Floozy, yeah whatever, I’m perfectly okay with the making out business.  Hell, I like making out…  I kinda wish there was a making out version of speed dating. 

Speed Making-Out? Who's in?!??

I’ve never been speed dating, but I’ve heard about it and I like to make out so much that I think there should be a speed-make-out thing.  You would get 5 minutes with each “match” to make out and if you both enjoyed it, you could exchange information and decide if you want to get to know each other more and/or maybe just make out a second time…  The safety of this is it’s in a public place with a definitive time limit. 

…because making out with a relative stranger, in my house, for an extended period of time started to freak me out a little.  Not that this is Nurse-guy’s fault.  He wasn’t way out of line or anything…I just started to get a little nervous…  Maybe I didn’t trust him? Maybe I didn’t trust me? And maybe the just-prior-to-coming-over “no relationship” proclamation just made me feel too weird and suspicious?  I don’t know for sure, but I really felt the making out needed to stop and that he should go home. 

…and he did without a problem. So, all was well.  I just had a nagging discomfort that I couldn’t quite define or get past.  So, I re-worded my profile to specify friends only, which isn’t entirely true, as ideally I’d like to meet someone date-able and I’m still undecided as to the relationship thing.  I’m certainly not totally against it, but I’m not necessarily looking for a heavy-duty one either.  Hmm…it really makes me question if I’m even ready to be dating?  I felt uncomfortable with someone I had great dates with who pushed the relationship aspect and I felt equally uncomfortable with someone who was so willing to take it physically as far as I might allow who plainly stated he wasn’t ready for any kind of relationship.   What does that even mean?  What am I even looking for here again?  My thoughts were scrambled as I hopped in bed after Nurse left.

 I’m probably not ready because I’m not sure of the intimacy threshold or physical boundaries within the smack-dab-middle of the options here.  How can I not be sure of even my own boundaries?  And what does that even mean?  Check-list time:

Option one:  Friends who date.  If we hang out as friends who date and there’s an attraction which understandably gets physical, where is that boundary?  There’s no established prior friendship to dictate that.  So if it doesn’t get physical, would we really continue “dating”?  And if it does get physical, then is it beyond friends?

Option two: Just friends.  I’m questioning whether this is a valid option on a dating site at all.  With the popularity of the trendy FWB thing, I somehow am having a difficult time buying into the possibility that many of the guys who write me are truly interested in hanging out with me indefinitely as friends.  If there’s an attraction, then it’s probably going to be acted upon and push the limits of “friendship”.  If there’s no attraction, how often will said guy really want to hang out?

Option three:  Friends who casually date and engage in sexual relations.  Okay, this is pretty much FWB, right?  And I might be okay with that (maybe) with someone whom I’ve known for years and have an established  meaningful friendship.  However, in a new city where I don’t know anyone, that’s not an option….  And aside from that, then it’s basically just two people hanging out and having a casual sex thing, right?  And while I don’t necessarily see anything wrong with that under certain circumstances, I’m not sure I’m okay with that right now either.  It might make me feel rather cheap and/or used. 

Ew.  Which is kind of the feeling I was getting from Nurse-guy…and I didn’t like it.  I really  shouldn’t think that, as I can’t say for sure what his deal is/was.  He was respectful and seemed honest.   I only know that something felt odd for me and that suspicion could very well be it. Something was just off for me in the whole timing of his inviting himself over and immediately saying, I’m not ready for any kind of relationship. That’s okay with me and yet… hmmm?   

This is my brain on online dating" pink, fuzzy and I can't know what might roll!

It makes me realize how fuzzy the whole concept is even to me!  Like, wow..ummm okay, me either, but I wasn’t going to rule it out immediately.  Thinking I’m in more of a let’s just see how it goes place.  Once he firmly established that wasn’t what he wanted, I can respect that, but then to come over and immediately jump into mad-make-out?  I guess if I already knew I didn’t want any kind of relationship, my thoughts about “hanging out” at midnight at someone’s house probably are in the literal sense of cool, let’s hang out as in yay…let’s watch stupid movies, let’s discuss global poverty, let’s color in my Alice and Wonderland coloring book, let’s do yoga, make Rice Krispie treats, knit matching scarves, sing karaoke to cheesy 70’s ballads…you know, hang outIf we’ve established the entire relationship-stance on date one at midnight, then: 1. The mystery is already gone. And 2. I feel a little cheapened to make out with you, at least the heavy-duty can’t-keep-my-hands-off-you making out.  We can keep it light pal or we can go passionately macramé a few exotic plant hangers…your choice!

Macrame' might be fun!

Am I totally contradicted?  Yes, perhaps… and you would not be the first to accuse me of this in my life.  I’m sure that’s surprising, but it’s true.  I’m nothing if not a total and chronic contradiction.  Yeah, and just so you know, when I’m not having crazy passionate one-night stands (after all, that’s as long as they’ll usually “stay”) with that aspect of my personality, it frustrates me too.  It is what it is though. (Insert Popeye here) So, I do feel for how this must play out to others, but it’s also the one aspect of my personality on which we can always depend.

So, I wrote nurse man the next day that I enjoyed our day, but that I felt confident we weren’t a match as friends or otherwise.  This threw Nurse off a little, as I received a “WTF?” response, but except for trying to pin-point where I stand in relation to all of this,   I’m so over the Nurse thing already.  He sucked all the mystery out and then tried to suck my face…and (ahem)other personal areas as well.  No.  It’s been decided. Moving on…

I’m emailing with several people now.  A few are in the pushy let’s-get-together-yesterday category (I’m intentionally taking those excruciatingly slow) a few are in the entirely questionable (I’m mostly being polite) category, one is in the borderline stalker-already (he’s just about to get the “block” ewww!), and two are…ummmm…wait for it……wait for it…

Intriguing and delightful

Seriously.  One fave, I’m way excited to meet and the other, I’m not sure I’ll meet anytime soon if ever…?  Only time will tell!  However, either way, meet them or not, I do know I truly adore them both already!

M is for irresistable attraction…

I like M.  I do.  I stayed the night at his house last night.  Yes, it’s everything you think…I won’t hide that, deny it, or pretend to be even appropriately ashamed…  I’m just not.

I wanted him.  Yeah, umm…. A lot.  In kinda that strange way where it’s fun to be “there”, wanting something merely because it feels good to actually want for a minute…but then you don’t really want to hang out in that place of desire too very long…because… well because you want it.    And as absolutely delicious as it feels to want something/someone…the temptation to have it starts to take over and it becomes a force of nature all its own, almost a tangible thing you can taste and feel, with its own personality and characteristics unto itself; as if that makes any sense to anyone on earth except me…hehe…

It’s a strange thing, really; he’s not much my “type”, is slightly older than I’m accustomed to, and then there’s this “other” thing…  this indefinable strangeness that I…well I….umm..I don’t know…I can’t define it because it’s indefinable.  Yeah, that’s it. 

I’m not doing any of this experiment to find a husband or even settle down into a relationship.  That takes the negative edge away from the whole experience and process and I’m enjoying that.  It’s  akin to a timeless visit to an extravagantly delicious buffet when I’m not ravenously hungry, but just a wee bit and thus, far more interested in exploring the food itself than the actual consumption of it. It’s just fun!

…and  I‘m slowly realizing to my utter astonishment that my attraction to M is not only unquestionably potent, but baffling and peculiar as well.  What is it?

Here’s an attempt to sum up M’s qualities (both the positive and the not-so-much) : 

He is bald by choice. I’ve never dated a bald guy before and quite frankly, have never met one I wanted to date, in spite of knowing a few handsome baldies in my time (I do have a little “thing” for the biker/Harley types…but have never acted upon that…it’s always been a mild attraction at most.)

 Seems fairly successful.  I haven’t really quizzed or questioned him much about his work, but I listen closely to the bits that come out naturally and get the distinct impression that he is quite possibly far more successful career-wise than one might think given his laid-back personality.

Not at all pretentious or extravagant. This is tied in with the success thing above.  He lives in a very beautiful home in a terrific neighborhood with minimal, but truly tasteful, furnishings and accessories.

On the average to thin side.   He is fit, but doesn’t appear to work too hard on being that way.  I’m typically (certainly not always) attracted to huskier body types, bordering on over-weight even…  Yeah, I know.  That’s a little odd…I don’t know why this is…it just is.

 Communicates well and is either a good listener or at least effectively pretends to be.   We are never at a loss for conversation and openly discuss a variety of topics…which can get into the personal zone, but never “prying”.  I enjoy hearing him talk and I appreciate that he listens and asks questions of me as well.

 Manly, but not macho.  I get a very strong, almost heady (a scrumptious sense like a subtle scent which you just want to breathe in deeply), feel of manliness about him…but zero degree of macho-man/me: Tarzan, you: Jane sexist or possessive crap.

Attentive:  Feels like I have his absolute attention when I’m with him and his attentiveness when we text or talk on the phone, but I get zero sense of any kind of desperation or clinginess.  He never overdoes it and does a fabulous job of effectively maintaining a delightful balance on this one. I almost (but not quite) crave more of his attention, but I like randomly having that feeling and think the amount of attention he gives is thus, perfect for me. Not too much to turn me off or scare me away, but not so little that I feel unappreciated or unwanted at all, neither when  in his presence or away from him.  He leaves me wanting more… yet very satisfied with what is already there.

Well mannered but oh so laid back:  M has immaculate manners and demonstrates a slight degree of “chivalry” (offers his hand to help me up from sitting, touches me in affectionate, gentlemanly, respectful ways) yet clearly appreciates my strength and independence.  It’s never over bearing.  Never a sense of feeling I have to be boringly lady-like!

Honest and open, but still mysterious:  I don’t get the sense that he’s hedging or avoiding or even mildly hiding anything about himself, his past,  or his life in general and yet…. Dammit, the minute I leave him, I get all sorts of strange feelings about what the hell he might be doing in his personal time.  NO…not in a jealous/WTF is he DOING way, but more like:  I can distinctly sense something under the surface of this man…lurking around in the hidden recesses of his life or his personality.  It’s totally absent when I’m actually with him; everything seems so very open, clear, honest, comfortable, etc; like I could ask anything and he’d gladly tell me… but….

I don’t know.  Maybe this is just his strong silent type nature that leads me to this strange contradiction?  I just can’t put my finger on this part.  It’s an intriguing puzzle, but frustrating in its intangibility…like the “it’s on the tip of my tongue” thing.  That’s such a cool experience in itself when it happens, but then you very much need to figure out what’s in there hiding…or it’s just frustrating…  That may be a poor way to describe this, but truly, I’m without an explanation or an effective description.

It’s intriguing and fun to say the least…an entirely new and unique realm of experience within an experience.

I’ve never been “here” before…  I wonder how it will go…

UN-freakin-believable!!!

This has several levels of unbelievable irony and coincidence and so I simply must write of it…

I have a guy “friend” whom is fondly referred to in my house as Hottie McHotstuff.  He’s a very sexually appealing 24 year old guy (boy?), with whom I had a night (umm…or two…?) of wild abandon this past winter.  He’s way too young for me and our connection was truly a matter of several simultaneously serendipitous events.  This is not a common theme or occurrence for me…  so this guy, this experience,  in itself is special in its own right.

how I feel around McH...

McHotstuff is friends with a girlfriend of mine.  We all were out dancing and drinking together one memorable evening awhile back.  I’m not going to pretend I hadn’t noticed him at all.  In fact, I couldn’t help but to notice him and in the beginning of the evening prior to drinking like fish and group-dancing like sexually charged beasts, we had a delightful conversation.  I enjoyed this, but immediately classified it off as just a nice conversation with an intelligent, sweet, and too-young guy.

So imagine my surprise a few hours later when our mutual friend pulls me aside and says, “J is sooooo in to you girl.”  What?  Are you kiddin’ me?  That hot young boy?  …Is way into late 30-ish, chronically-broken-hearted-ME?  Whoaa…   I laughed this off, took it as quite a compliment, and continued on as it was…having a great time with a fun group of friends.  She takes me aside again and says, Kay, I know sexual flings aren’t your thing, but I’m telling you, you really should try it with J.  I’ve never had sex with him, but another friend of mine did awhile back and she raved for months about how unbelievably effin’ fantastic he is.

Yeah, not usually my thing, but I’ll tell you, I’ve been suffering (literally) from a broken heart for years(yes, years) and with this blatant encouragement combined with my ongoing level of pain and suffering for so long, I opted to act on this. I won’t get into the crude details here, but suffice to say…ummm..yup….OMFG…was worth every bit of it!  And I’ve no regrets, then or now…  In fact, McH and I got together again on a less drunken evening merely because I wanted to experience this guy with a totally clear head!  This was very liberating to me sexually and emotionally…..I’m indebted to McH for reasons he’ll never even know!

McH and I did not become BFF’s or anything, but over the past 8 months or so, we have developed a great friendship…one that I really believe is a rare friendship with extreme sexual attraction thing.  Something I did not believe could exist prior to this.  I have genuinely fond and caring feelings for the guy, as well as a crazy sexual desire for him.  And he feels the same.  It’s truly a lovely phenomenon!

Coincidence:  After living his entire life in this small-Michigan town we lived in and me having lived there for 13 years, 3 days before I moved to Nevada, McH moved out west as well.  So he just happens to be my geographically closest “friend” from back home, although he is still 10-12 hours’ drive from me.   We text and talk fairly regularly.  He’s planning to visit Vegas at some point fairly soon.  Needless to say, I’m very much looking forward to that;-P

Here is the irony:  We have been having a text conversation over the past few days regarding my ex (a dear friend ever since our divorce 13 years ago) being a real jerk since the moment I arrived here. Excerpt as follows:

Me:  I soooo wish you were here right now! (this I texted to him the night after the near violation of my no-no square…yeah, I was super-duper scared and lonely)

Me (the next day…kind of embarrassed at how that late-night text probably came across): Sucks sometimes not really knowing any1 here…wish u were a lil closer at least…hope ur doing great tho…xoxo

McH: I wish I was too..ya’ll should’ve came to Denver it’s truly amazing

Me: I’m so glad u like it! Vegas is pretty great too..just wish I knew some1 here tho…but I’m meeting ppl just takes time I suppose…

Mc H:Doesn’t ur husband live out there or x husband?

Me: Yup he lives here..n we’ve been best friends since the divorce but now that he has the kids n me out here hes bein a major ass 2me…I shoulda known better!

McH(texted this morning):  Dude that sucks I wish I could help

Me:  No worries I’m dealing w/it..it’s just kinda sad n makes me xtra miss havin my friends around 2have fun w/…ur such a gem J… thank u tho:-):-)

McH: Well, you’re one of the greatest ppl I know.  I’m not gonna lie

Me(touched beyond reason here):   J..ur so lucky ur so far or id jump u right now just 4sayin that 2meJ  other than my ex n some pervs leering @me like they wanna eat me alive its been awhile since any1 said anything kind 2me…I just adore u..im so lucky ur my friend n ur only 10 hours away!!  :-)xoxo:-)

McH: yeah, I’m gonna come 2 Vegas once I get the cash. And u also r a great friend 2have.

AND *RIGHT HERE* IS WHEN THE UNBELIEVABLE HAPPENS:

McH: Do you have a camera phone?

OMFG!!!!    I have been intimate with McH, so this does not bother me at ALL in that way.  He’s not at all out of line and I’d share any picture I might ever have of myself with this gem of a guy…  But with consideration of my past few weeks ranting about “more cell pics” and my impending date tonight with “more-cell-pics-M”…. 

ARE YOU KIDDIN’ ME?? What the hell?  What are the odds of this crazy-ass timed request?  Is this a seemingly random and unexpected thing being thrown at me to put a brand new perspective on my current dilemma/debate regarding my upcoming date with M????

I guess this is irrefutable proof that *any* guy in the world does, in fact, just want more cell phone pics…maybe I’m being a little harsh on M?

“Just-because” sex?

Irresistable attraction...does happen...

Thinking of canceling the “swimming” date with “M”…just can’t shake that funky feeling…  yesterday, I thought, well the worst that can happen is maybe he’ll  “like how I look in a swimsuit” and want sex.  And that’s not typically my thing, but I really just don’t know at this point.  Then I realized that it really all depends on how much (if) I really like him “that way”.  If I genuinely like him, then even if I want to have sex with him, I’ll probably wait.  The quandary for me in that has several concepts.  1.  He can only hurt my feelings with the sex thing if I like like him. 2.  If I don’t and yet am attracted to him like that, I’m okay with just a sex thing.  3. Hell, in that case I’m perfectly okay with just using my body to obnoxiously flirt with him.  4. I’m not having sex with anyone else right now, so what difference would it make?

To be honest with myself, I’m not really sure exactly what I’m looking for anyway with this whole experiment, other than meeting new people.  I’m not in an emotional position to meet someone and fall in love.  That’s not really part of the mission or attraction with this, so that does add a degree of protection around my heart.  If I don’t have feelings for the guy, will it hurt to get used for my body?  Does that kind of thing hurt even if a person’s not interested in any kind of emotional thing anyway?  I really don’t know…

I know this woman is thinking about Matt Damon!

…and maybe (and I’m speaking theoretically here only)I just want to have sex.  There’s nothing wrong with that dammit.  If I like “M”, am having a good time with him tonight, and he just wants my body, and I want to share that with him, then no problem…  He’s not really my type to lust after really…  Not that I didn’t find him physically appealing…I did…  He’s just not “my” kinda lust object.  Sadly for me, my “lust object would have to either look like my ex-boyfriend (yummy) or perhaps look strikingly like Matt Damon, with the wit and intellectual appeal Matt holds  as well.  Because I really can’t decide if I’d find Matt Damon quite as appealing if he wasn’t so wickedly witty and freakin’ intelligent.  Ummm of course he’s adorable to look at, but I was cursed with the whole neuro-gasmic appeal for men.  While I can certainly look at a guy as some delicious eye-candy by appearance alone, I can’t possibly feel undeniably and irresistibly physically drawn to a man who doesn’t have those last two traits.  We’re talking the difference here between, Ummm, yeah, he’s hot and “OMFG, I MUST (throw-my-naked-body-at-his- mercy-pull-his-hair-and-BEG) have him.  Although my physical attraction “look” in a guy varies widely…these other two things are the Holy Grail for me… combine the three…and OMG…that’s where I become putty in a man’s hands.  Yeah, it’s to the point of embarrassingly appealing to me…

M is fairly attractive (read:  he’s “okay”), but I haven’t had enough time with him yet to determine the other two.  It’s clear he’s not stupid by any means, but beyond that, I’ve no real gauge of his intellectual capacity.  And as far as funny, I really don’t know.  I did find it truly odd that he talked to me of reading on women’s pages on the site the frequency which he saw the statement, “If a guy can make me laugh he can have whatever he wants” or something to that effect….  He expressed how strange he felt this was to me.  Honestly, I didn’t know if he thought it odd that women would say “have anything they want(about anything)” or thought the huge attraction to funny guys in general was odd.  Even as he was saying this, I had to stop and think if my page said anything like this because although it’s not safe to say this kind of guy can “have anything he wants” with me…umm…it IS safe to say, that kind of guy has legs (and feet and arms and torsos) up on the rest of the pool of potentials.  A moderately attractive man who can make me laugh becomes promoted to extremely attractive.  Even a relatively unattractive (to me) man often gets all the way to “attractive” in my eyes if he regularly makes me laugh.   It’s just one of those things that can’t be explained, but I have experienced it on several occasions and know it to be a simple fact. Perhaps laughter releases sexual-attraction hormones or something?

So what about this did M find so “odd”?  And is it odd to him because he lacks it and hasn’t experienced the woman who was mildly interested suddenly throwing herself at him after a few good belly-laughs?

Wow!!  I’m babbling out of direction this morning with this… (GAWD…see what just thinking about that kind of thing does to me…Geesh…??!!?) 

My burning inner question actually is the sex with M thing.  If I go swimming with him and feel a physical attraction, I might not be opposed to a let’s just fuck attitude.  And although he has expressed some interest in me, in my opinion, it’s been relatively mild and therefore, this would not be wrong or manipulative to do with him. 

However, if I feel truly attracted to him on several levels(which usually has to be the case in order for me to even want to “just fuck” with wild abandon), then having crazy-spontaneous-WTF-sex with him might leave me open to a vulnerability of getting hurt.   I firmly believe in taking chances in life like this and sometimes getting hurt is part of the experience, but right now, in my current situation being so far from friends, family, and all I’ve ever known, the last thing I need right now is even a mild heart break on top of the rest.   It’s a catch-22 of epic proportions and actually leaves me frightened to go on this “date” tonight.  I even woke at 3 AM this morning with the firm resolve to cancel the whole damned stupid thing rather than risk it.

Usually, that in itself, would be enough to make me just decide to stay home with a bottle of wine and a few good movies tonight.  And yet, I’m still definitely overwhelmingly curious as to how this whole thing might play out – on both his part and my own.  It feels like one of those children’s mystery books with several different possible endings:  If Sally picks A, then continue on to chapter 7.  If Sally picks B, then go to chapter 12…

In my current bored and lonely friendless state, with my freakin’ confounding overly-curious brain, can I resist this kind of mystery?  Should I?  Isn’t this what makes life, life?