Category Archives: sarcasm

Slim pickins’ around here

What I used to be...

So I had my token woe-is-me rant/whine yesterday.  I realize this becomes harder to me because I’m just hitting that place as a mother where I can’t fix everything that hurts my daughters.  It’s horrible!  So, as well as wishing (like she is/was too) that  I had friends in this life, I found myself listening and longing for those days when there wasn’t a tear she could shed which with a little silly chicken-noodle-dance around the kitchen in our pj’s  or some hugs and kisses couldn’t fix..and the tears would be gone and forgotten like they never even happened.  I was the MommaI could fix anything and everything.  Now, I’m becoming the “Mom”- the powerless to help much at all.  It’s a difficult transition for me and seriously, given my own lifelong issues with friendship, I did not need to go through that just to get in bed with my television tuned into whatever damned station those 4 fabulous soul-mate-chicks were on.  Not right then..geesh!  Anyway, other than the Momma to Mom thing, I’m over it already.   It is what it’s always been.  I can deal.  Hell, I’ve gone through far worse than that issue and come out just fine 😉

So, on to my recent dating emails. Umm…suffice to say WOW!  The pickins’ are a bit slim, yeah..but let me tell you, they are of the highest quality.  Allow me to share and elaborate:

So...I guess you want me to write you, huh?

I received this priceless, informative, and endearing email from a guy with a screen name that begs to be “dominated” (yeah…literally).  Hey, whatever…to each his own; it takes all kinds, right?   At least it demonstrates the flair for creativity that men who enjoy submission must innately have and I did not know that about them. So it’s great to learn new things!  It’s rather long, complicated, and rich in detail, so I’m just going to post it by straight-up copy and paste. 

“  write me back if you want to hang
out sometime write me back if you
want to hang out sometime write me
back if you want to hang out
sometime write me back if you want
to hang out sometime “

 What?  You ask if I’m not concerned about email copyrights or the privacy violation of posting verbatim such a personal email here might be? No, I’m not.  I think under the circumstances, I could just write him back and say, Listen b**ch, I’m posting this email on my blog and you’re just going to say thank you.  I’m certain he’d get immense pleasure from that and it’s clearly the sure-fire way to keep this one’s interest. 

Yeah, I’ll do that right after I share the next fabulous and unique email I received:

Dear (Kay),

I really enjoyed your Profile. 🙂 
It looks like we’re both completely
finished with all the nonsense and are
ready for something special and genuine.
Please reply and we can explore the
possibilities together:

*******************
Steve
(Here he includes every contact info the man might have .  Personal email address, messenger ID, and cell number)

Thank you and all the best.

 Well Wow-ZA!  It seems this guy really “gets me” and is obviously seeking something real and meaningful in the midst of a plethora of online dating b.s.  I’m sure it’s mere coincidence that he bears the name of “Steve”.  With such an insightful and beautiful reach-out to me as this, he could in no way share any commonalities with the Grope-y Groperton-Steve!  This one is a real gem…

However, I think it’s important to mention here that in no place or shape of imagination do I include anything of anything on my page pertaining to “nonsense” of any kind…dating or otherwise.  I mean, I don’t have a shred of anything like that on my page!  My page simply says something along the lines of, 

Hi, I’m Kay!  I’m new to online dating and new to this area, mostly hoping to meet new people and make friends.  If something more comes from that, then fantastic, but I’m perfectly okay if it doesn’t too. Simply meeting new people is a fantastic learning experience and loads of fun!! Life is short and wondrous…I don’t waste time dwelling on negatives.  I enjoy many activities…blah, blah, blah…and so on…

What I imagine Steve *really* represents

Okay…so here’s my Sherlock deduction from “Steve’s” email.  It’s a copy and paste that he sends to anyone and everyone he writes on the site!  This is an easy figure for a few reasons: 1. His email does not pertain to a single thing from my page.  In fact, it borders on the “opposite” of anything I actually say about myself, dating, or life in general! However (2.) I’ve noticed that a great deal of people on that site take up the majority of their page saying things like “sick of the b.s., tired of the games, do NOT respond to me IF  blah, blah, blah…”; i.e. pretty much listing every hurt or disappointment they’ve experienced in life since the age of two and how they DON’T want any more of that.

I happen to know this is a very common theme on there because I weed out possible interests by that alone…   because (and I reiterate a summation of my page here) I “don’t dwell in negativity or focus on what I don’t want in dating or people, but rather what I do like and what I enjoy about life and people…

Here's what I think Steve meant to say

I’d venture though, that this “stock” response sent in masses to attractive photos really grabs the interest of a great deal of women with minimum effort on Steve’s part.  Hell, I feel confident that he didn’t even read my page…  But, I give kudos to Steve for upping his positive responses/ ratio odds by merely limiting his time and effort and focusing on the really important part:  writing to mass volumes of attractive photos, while simultaneously throwing something “sensitive and personal” in them that a majority of jaded-dating women will probably think that he not only actually read their page, but mistakenly also probably think to themselves, “Awwwwww..,Steve really ‘gets it’”!  

More responses + less effort = better odds for insensitive-non-committed-lazy ass Steve!  That’s genius!!   GO STEVE-RACER…GO!

Awwww...did your wife interfere w/your online dating again?

I also made notice of another interesting facet of the online dating thing:  Three or four (yeah, THAT many!) guys who have written me in the past few days, have since deleted their profiles before I even had the chance to read the emails to me.  Wtf?!  I don’t know about you, but that screams, “Most likely MARRIED and got BUSTED” to me…or something along those lines.  How does that time frame even work?  He’s “single and looking..browsing profiles..emailing…lets chat, date, or email” whatever… and then within 48 hours of that, he’s either totally lost interest in dating at all or found someone he really likes…???  What?!  Nahhh…ummmmm…I don’t think so…

OMG…SCARY!!!!!

Crazy-psycho-stalker…blah, blah, blah

Listen up people… 

This is truly a "crazy" person

Crazy: is not a scientific term, but a label of sorts often currently used to describe the severely mentally ill.  It is extremely subjective and actually has no definitive set of characteristics.  Crazy is (usually) in the eye of the beholder.  Which means that one person’s “crazy” is another person’s “OMG…that’s so adorably romantic” or “Hahahaha…that is hysterically funny”.

For example:  a guy (or girl…whatever) sends you a dozen roses every day for a week.  If you’re into this guy, that’s so sweet and charming.  If you’re not interested in him/her, you might consider it crazy.  Unless this person is absolutely and unquestionably aware that you have zero interest and never will be interested, then it’s not crazy.  And really, it’s not “crazy” even then, right?  I mean, this could be a man’s attempt at wooing you, in which case, kudos to him and sorry for his bad luck if you’re just not interested.  We should feel sorry for that poor, desperate schmuck trying so hard…   Meanwhile you’re probably the same person who wonders incessantly why there’s not “more romance in the world” (i.e: sweet gestures from the people in whom you are interested).

Psycho is a shortened version of psychotic, which indicates a person who suffers from clinical psychosis.  Psychosis is a serious mental illness defined as:

Psychosis: In the general sense, a mental illness that markedly interferes with a person’s capacity to meet life’s everyday demands. In a specific sense, it refers to a thought disorder in which reality testing is grossly impaired.  Symptoms can include seeing, hearing, smelling, or tasting things that are not there; paranoia; and delusional thoughts. Depending on the condition underlying the psychotic symptoms, symptoms may be constant or they may come and go. Psychosis can occur as a result of brain injury or disease, and is seen particularly in schizophrenia and bipolar disorders. Psychotic symptoms can occur as a result of drug use, but this is not true psychosis. Diagnosis is by observation and interview.  (http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=5110)

So using my above example, a person who sends you roses every day for a week with notes saying such things as “had a great time last night baby” even though you didn’t see them or perhaps don’t even know them; then they quite possibly are truly “psycho”.

Stalker indicates a person who stalks, yes, actually STALKS another.

What it feels like to be "stalked"

Stalking:    Stalking is conservatively defined as “a course of conduct directed at a specific person that involves repeated (two or more occasions) visual or physical proximity, nonconsensual communication, or verbal, written, or implied threats, or a combination thereof, that would cause a reasonable person fear” (Tjaden and Thoennes,1998).  (http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/topics/crime/stalking/welcome.htm)

 It is a legal term, not a general adjective to describe a person who inadvertently butt-dialed you twice in one day…or hell, even twice in 5 minutes for that matter!  Stalking is a serious crime.  General or randomly repeated unwanted attention from a person you’re not interested in dating is not stalking.  To fit the true sense of stalking, it must provoke a genuine and rational fear for one’s safety or to a lesser degree, perhaps make a person feel somewhat inhibited in conducting their normal day-to-day activities.  For example: I can’t go into that grocery store because a guy a went on one date with four years ago will believe I’m going in there to see him…and then send me a dozen roses every day for the following week, with attached notes saying things such as, had a great time with you in the grocery store yesterday…so glad you came by to see me… even though you ignored the guy completely.

Having worked in social work for so long, I’ve dealt with many cases of genuinely “crazy” people, people mentally ill and diagnosed with “psychosis” and a few, but rare, cases of actual “stalking”.

These are NOT adjectives to throw around in an attempt to describe your ex who called you crying because he/she was devastated that you ended the relationship.  They do not imply directly or otherwise to another person (at least not a rational, sane person) how “terrific” and “wanted” you are because someone went crazy-psycho-stalker on you. Guys:  EVERY ex you broke up with or whatever  is NOT “stalking” you…I promise!!  When you say that, you sound like a self-absorbed, drama king!   These are not terms to throw around in attempt to make others think you have an exciting life; to create drama where there really is none, because you’re bored with yourself or your life in general and the last major “happening” in your life was a solo drive through an Iowa corn field.  These phrases simply do not serve to make you appear irresistably attractive to the opposite sex.  They actually make you seem  melodramatic and of below-average intelligence.  Using these phrases and descriptions  in no way, implies that you’re such a sexual stud or much wanted Romeo that no girl can ever (or has ever) get over you or accept that you choose not to be in their life. No.  When I hear this (as I so often do..sigh)It actually causes me to wonder what the hell you did to that poor girl to make her get so “crazy”?  Hell, you must have been stalking her or something to get that kind of reaction!

Maybe I find the fact that these terms have become so common and so overly used obnoxious because I’ve dealt with the real thing, not some amplified, fabricated version to add some spice and excitement to a story or phrases used to try to impress on people how special and undeniably attractive and wanted you are to the opposite sex.

I’m so tired of hearing about people’s crazy-psycho ex’s or their stalkers.  Seriously, if this is true in even half of the accounts when I hear someone use these terms, then this is a far scarier world than any of us can even imagine. 

C'mon...let's learn some "big people" words!

No.  Get out your dusty old dictionary if you must, but please find some appropriate adjectives and verbs to describe your ex…..your last bad date…your annoying neighbor….whoever!  Overzealous, vehement, intense, volatile, moody, temperamental are a few fun examples.  Or just look up “unrequited” if it was merely a case of them being way more into you than you were them.

So really, unless you’re under the age of, say, twelve, let’s start using our big people words…or invest in a pocket dictionary to more adequately describe your ex’s or that horrible date you just didn’t really get “in to”… 

Overly dramatic disclaimer:  Unless of course, your life was threatened, you were physically kidnapped and held hostage, or Fluffy -your beloved pet rabbit- was boiled…then by all means, use crazy-psycho-stalker to your heart’s content!fatal attraction bunny Pictures, Images and Photos

..but seriously, if it was done with a stuffed animal, as a joke…now that’s just funny as hell!

Should I perhaps….?

Hmmm…in fact, after contemplating this further, I’m tempted to just go ahead and change my single’s online profile to say simply:

3 yr old bikini pic...w/ex bf cropped out

Me as a referee

How I look holding a Corona in Mexico

My ass - circa 2010 (and what you'll be kissing if ur a jerk)

just in case ur @ all interested n seeing how i look n clothes circa 2010

How I look when the straw from my drink has mysteriously attached itself to my left boob-circa 2010

What I look like next to Audrey Hepburn, dressed as Alice

 

Very real, not virtual. Always late..ALWAYS(except when I’m not)…randomly forgets how  to walk well…but really does know how to walk almost all of the time

**No longer combines the meds with alcohol…**

As you will see here, I have posted various *recent* pics of myself in a plethora of  flattering and unflattering poses/situations/manners of dress…please take note of this and commit them to memory because I will NOT, under any circumstances, grace your “phone” with self portraits, not in the bathroom, not in a swimsuit..not in a box..not with a fox…not in my house (nor yours)…not with a mouse…and certainly not if you’re a louse….

…and I don’t want to see yours either…until I want to see…ummm…yours…and then we’ll share and explore that reality all on our own, however we see fit…”

Wonder if anyone would respond to this type of brazen disclaimer and photo gallery?

Nahhh..they’d need to see more pics…geesh…cell cam pics:-)~