Yeah, I threw it...
I have a rule never to say, well at least it can’t get any worse. We’ve all experienced the Universal sense of humor which rolls like an electric current of torturous laughter at our expense through our worlds; the tempting of the fates’ massive ego and uncanny ability to demonstrate, Really? It can’t huh? Ohhhh but it can…..and now that you’ve thrown that gauntlet-of-life-yuk right out there in our path, let us show you…
For the love of Pete, I know better…or at least I certainly should know better!
Zeppelin, the “cool dude, single dad, with a great love of (my kinda) music “:
I am early to the little bar he suggests we meet at. No, no kudos to me for this lovely effort at punctuality. I was bored out of my mind and didn’t know where I was going, so I got ready way too early for this date and left with enough time to get lost for an hour and still be safely on time. See? There’s no sense of punctuality in me. I only have two arrival times: 1. annoyingly early and 2. offensively late. Thus, I was annoying early for this one. He was a forgivable-few minutes late. Not a bad start.
I wasn’t overly impressed when he entered the darkened empty sports bar, but I was far from repulsed either. Zep is a decent average looking guy; a tad shorter than I expected, but not quite to “deal breaker”. All is good.
It’s the middle of a Sunday afternoon in an off the strip bar in Vegas, only the staff and Zep and I are there. That’s kinda cool! Conversation begins easily and flows at a regular pace. Within minutes I realize Zep’s a better talker than listener, but this isn’t obnoxious or anything. I am good at both, so I slip into full listening mode and take it all in. he orders a shot of Jagermeister and a beer.
Zeps ex-wife calls it home
Zep is a full-time single dad. Awwwwwww…He has full custody of his 10-year-old son. I’m impressed with this. He explains to me how his ex-wife is in prison for embezzlement to the tune of somewhere around 100k. I’m delighted that this little boy had a father who not only could stay out of prison, but could actually step up to the plate while his mom does her time. Zep is appropriately upset about this, but his relief seems even more apparent. He repeatedly expresses his gratitude that she did this crime after they divorced and while she was re-married to another “loser”. Otherwise, he realizes how difficult it would have been to prove his lack of involvement. This is unsettling, but I merely nod, gasp, and mmmmhmmm appropriately and sympathetically, up my listening volume, and turn my talking knob further to the left… I don’t want to miss any of this good stuff! He orders another shot of Jagermeister to complement his beer and ease this difficult topic of discussion.
No worries pal...knock yourself out!
After he discusses the absent mother, the help his parents offer him with daycare, and the ex’s idiot new husband, he asks if I will be offended if he goes out to his car to take a hit. What? Is the mob after you and your son? Aren’t you afraid to go out into an empty parking lot? Oh you mean hit that illegal drug, marijuana? Ahhh well, that’s different… By all means! I might have been a tad upset with this except, Zep, as he’s walking to the door, throws me this reassurance, “Hey! Don’t worry…I’m not going to ditch and leave you with my bill!”
Ahhh….the wave of relief alone could have knocked me over! After all that was my concern right then. Although the possibility has never occurred to me prior, I now realize how fortunate I am that my date is just going out to his car to smoke pot, not making an attempt to go down in a mob-hit, or ditch me with his food and drink bill! I must remember this for future dates.
Zep returns a few moments later. Orders another shot of Jagermeister and begins telling me how he’s just ended a relationship. No worries, it’s for the best. She was an unemployed drunk. She had nothing to do all day except drink. It was helpful with things like getting the boy to and from school (ummm..WHAT???!??? ) while he was working and such, but she would just too often start drinking during their lunch meetings. Too drunk to date, but helpful as a taxi-driver for your child? Ahhh..okay..well at least your priorities are straight Zep!
On top of that fatal flaw, she didn’t dress appropriately in front of the boy. They would all go swimming, she would throw on a white t-shirt over her suit after their swims, and then dare to enter the air-conditioned house with his horny 10-year-old boy in the midst! Geesh..that was just wrong and she should have known better. Any 10-year-old boy is going to make comments about her breasts under those circumstances and attempt to constantly “wrestle” with her. He’s ten, you know?! Really? I guess I never would have realized this…. Sorta feeling “icky” about all the 10-year-old-boys I’ve unknowingly turned on, when I really shoulda known better….
He orders another shot of Jagermeister. Would I like one? Ummm yeah I actually would to dull the pain of this date… …No thank you. I have to drive home NOW ….ummm… in a bit.
Starting with his possibly over-sexualized 10-year-old son and how the girlfriend was just too sexy for the boy to handle, Zep then starts talking sex; his sex. How much he likes it; how the wife and the ex girlfriend stopped giving it to him with the frequency which he required; and how after being dumped by his wife, he got out in Vegas a bit and realized how attractive and sexually wanted he really was. Chicks dig him…he could get it anywhere and here he’d actually been faithful to his relationship, letting her dictate the unsatisfactory sexual pace. He had been an idiot!
Umm….do you mind if I run out to my car for another sec, Kay? No problem Zep…as long as you’re not stiffing me with your bill (wink)(wink)
Ahhhh return and Anther short of Jager please”….you sure you don’t want one? Yes, please give me 4 to catch up No, thanks, I really have to get going very soon.
Now Zep starts to tell me how much he enjoys random blowjobs. He doesn’t want to have to skip a day of those. He doesn’t have to, you know? Plenty of chicks want some of that action…blah, blah, blah…
Maybe it was the plethora of uncomfortable conversational topics up till this point, maybe it was the three-2-in-the-afternoon-Coronas on an empty stomach (I declined any lunch), maybe it wass my well hidden mean streak or my current frustration with games and men in general….? I really can not know what came over me, but gosh, I suddenly felt torturously audacious and tantalizingly brazen, having already classified this guy into the not gonna date again category, I decide to have a little fun before I leave. I know…it’s not very nice, but I gotta turn this around and make it interesting somehow, so let the fun begin!
What? Sometimes bananas aren't in season...
I’m very, VERY sympathetic about the blow job speech. Of course he should not have to live without having those whenever and wherever he wants! And although I had said very little up till this point, I decide it’s time to tell him a little “about me” before our time is over.
Zep, it seems you need to find the right girl; the kind of girl who enjoys giving blow jobs… I don’t understand these other orally selfish women! Heck, I used to argue with my ex husband because he wouldn’t let me do that
Is this wrong?
enough! Always scared of getting caught at his work or in the restaurant and whatnot. Geesh! What a freak! I mean, sometimes you’re in the car driving to dinner and the mood is just right for that bj-on-the-road, there’s the bye-bye-have-a nice-day-at-work-bj, there’s the QUICK!-the-kids are-in-the-next-room-bj, there’s the dinner’s-on-the-table-but-pretty-please-let-me-blow-you-first-bj, the dessert-bj (duhhh), the foreplay-bj, the post-coital-bj, the can-i-blow-you-while-you-shower-before-work-bj, the I-want-to-tell-you-how-much-I-love-you-but-I-cant-say-the-words-bj, and of course, my favorite of them all, the I-must-worship-your-manhood-daily-bj. What? Why are these so wrong?
Maybe it's just an oral fixation I suffer from?
And I become indignant, I mean, gosh, what’s the matter with this Zep? Sometimes a bj solves everything and it’s just all that is appropriate at that moment. Is there something wrong with me that I am so compelled to give constant bj’s? I embellish further in an attempt to gain his sympathy for my previous plight: Sometimes my ex kinda made me feel weird about this and I might be a little damaged from that. (Sniffle..sniffle) I’m just a girl who likes to give bj’s…so call me Betty and blister my butt, right? Shoot me and hang me out to dry! I should be totally free to express myself in this manner whenever I please. Don’t you agree? This does not make me trampy or slutty!! Any normal girl wants to worship her man’s manhood…or at least should want to…GEESH!
Believe it or not, this confession of mine, leads Zep into discussing my nipples. In Zep’s defense, no, I’m not wearing a bra and the air conditioning was on high, not that that ever makes a difference. …And yes, my nipples are much worshipped and could spark the greenest of envy in any Playmate of the month. Sorry…it just is what it is. I’m just grateful the horny-10-year-old-boy isn’t around though…how inappropriate! In fact between my deep reluctance to wear bras except when it’s absolutely unavoidable, my chronically inappropriately sexy and overly eager nipples, and Vegas air conditioning, it’s pretty clear we are not a match. Awwww… the travesty of our sad fate…!
Ummm… No I didn’t say that part about the travesty of our fate! Psh… C’mon?!!?
Instead, I say, Ummmm, I’m so sorry Zep, but I’m really uncomfortable talking about my nipples with you. I hardly know you and I think this is an inappropriate topic for first-date conversation.
Sing it for me, Rob!
Clearly bewildered at my suddenly prudish stance, poor Zep apologizes. And I said, “No worries. I’m not mad or anything, just setting some healthy boundaries. Anyway, I have to go. Nice to meet you! Thanks for not ditching me with the bill!
…And she’s buyyyyyyinggggg the sta-air-way…..to heaaaaaaven.