Category Archives: Doldrums

Watereach: the newest, most succulently indecisive fruit-on-the-fence

It just makes sense, right?!

It’s Christmas 2011. I’ve finagled to be alone; somewhat out of consideration for my ex-husband to have family time alone with the kids and somewhat because (I confess) I really am not a fan of the holiday season. I get dark and nostalgic, moody and overwhelmed, sensitive and regretful. Yes…regretful. I crave alone time because I don’t like to risk rubbing off my pitiful aura onto anyone else’s holiday enjoyment. Plus, overall, it’s just embarrassing to me that a person with a sunny disposition as myself would fall prey to the ridiculously blue sensitivity of the holidays! Embarrassing! …and I don’t confess this to anyone. I pretend and I smile and I suck it in as long as I’m able to do so without imploding and when I’m ultimately exhausted, I just have to duck out. Take a break. Go within all by myself. Cry, pray, laugh, whatever…

I started writing about a few of the dates/”relationships” I’ve had in my time away from my blog. However, I feel uninspired. There are certainly some comical, interesting people and situations to write of; I just can’t get into it for some odd and unusual reason! I wanna spill the beans on these freaks, all their quirks, and silliness….and naturally, I feel simultaneously compelled to spill MY quirks and silliness that have reared their preposterous heads during these experiences as well…but WTF is wrong with me?! I have NO direction right now. NONE.

We’ve recently moved. So, while at happy hour on a recent Friday, I investigated my new neighborhood pubs. Directly across from the local airport and a hop, skip, and jump from home, is a little hole in the wall pub. I ring up my buddy Lar and we meet up there. I’m so very glad we did! I met the nicest lady, Janet. Janet is timelessly pretty and has a terrific upbeat, honest and open personality. She also lives and works quite close so she knows a great deal of the local folk who frequent this place. Such a great way to meet people!! I’m talking to Lar and Janet…mostly Janet… when a dark haired guy sits on the other side of Janet. I vaguely recognize him from way back in my youth as an older acquaintance of my high school boyfriend. I’m kinda nosey…leaning over now and then…listening to and poking into their conversation just a bit; wondering if this guy will recognize me at all and more importantly, wondering if he’s at all interested in talking to me. He does not recognize me and I love that! I feel really free and flirty because he doesn’t recall me whatsoever. I suffer from the “quadruple threat”; having a face, name, voice, and personality which rarely allow me any anonymity even after just one single meeting with most people. This guy not only doesn’t seem to recall me at all, but, he’s not really paying much attention to me either, which of course really raises my interest a few levels beyond mildly interested… as anything that feels remotely challenging typically does for me. Hey!! This blog is my place for bold, blatant and blaring honesty. Yeah, I’m that girl sometimes. I hate that I am…but yes, I am. I can’t resist a challenge…or anything that seems like it even might offer a challenge.

So, when Janet and Lar begin discussing something over/across me which I’m just not so much interested in, I grab the opportunity to say, Gosh, maybe Janet and I should switch places?! Janet laughs and agrees, so BAM! There I am next to the guy…Mr. (paying little to no attention to me) Challenge. Hmmmmmm….. Now I’m interested. We start chatting. I’m enjoying guy. He’s interesting and attractive, not my kind of attractive, but attractive nonetheless! He’s clearly not an idiot, has a good job, and can hold his own in a conversation with a mildly drunken, easily distracted blonde chick playing a mind game of sorts. Kudos to guy. As I’m the first to admit, this is not an easy task. I’ve got naughty trying-to-be-a-comedian-Santa begging for my attention and some young 20-something fella I met outside, buying me “holiday shots”, as if I’d ever, EVER need those!! Yup, it’s going well, really. And it’s not just the anonymity and challenging intrigue! Okay, well it might be. But, I’m not sure just yet. I’m just having a blast!! We laugh and talk and we learn that we have a major experience in common…getting totally screwed by Jeff Vanderstelt, Attorney at Law. Oh the topics of discussion….! We do exchange numbers and I don’t mention that we kinda sorta know each other from many, many lifetimes ago. I’m not entirely sure though how I feel about this guy though. I mean, once we get past the game itself, the challenge, the Oh is he interested in me or not? Excitement, how do I feel? What do I think of him actually? Yeah, I’m just not sure. He has my number. We’ll see how it goes… Guy calls me the next day. I don’t answer. I’m not sure what I think so I have to figure that out first, right? He texts the next day, Can’t wait to see you again. When are you free? Ughhh…it’s the (blech) holidays, birthdays, all of the stress, and work too…..ughhh. I keep blowing it off. ..He keeps trying and trying. Wow…how do I feel about that? I’m just not sure.

A week later, I made plans with my new friend Janet to meet at the bar for happy hour. So I text him that I’m doing so if he’s interested in meeting up. Yup, he is. Yay! I’ll get to investigate my feelings and thoughts about guy further with a lovely safety cushion of my new friend, just in case I need to blow him off and/or make a quick but polite getaway… Guy shows up. We are having a terrific time! Feelin’ kinda bad I’m hardly talkin to Janet, but she has another friend there too, so it’s all good really. This is weird. I like being with him. I’m not faking it at all. He’s not really my “type” to any extreme. He is in many ways, but he isn’t in just as many…or more. I can’t figure this out. I’m having fun though so it’s all good. He says the sweetest things and he makes me smile. His twin brother’s girlfriend shows up and she creates another interesting diversion. She’s married; twin brother has a serious alcohol issue and is very jealous of girlfriend’s husband. OH the drama! Guy just seems more and more normal and amazing as this whole scenario continues.

Adds to the confusion of how do I feel? I do not know. I can’t sort it all out AT ALL. It feels all discombobulated inside. I like him though. I do. We go to his place for a little bit so he can check on his 17 year old son, who’s actually out with friends. We make out a little. I’m kinda into this, but I’m not ready for the whole enchilada. He pushes a little too far. I got scared for a moment, actually, but I’ve had some scary experiences, so this is probably not even his fault. He does take no for an answer though ultimately. And I’m relieved, but conflicted as well. It’s not that I don’t want to. I’m just not ready for that yet.

Guy follows me home. Such a gentleman! He keeps saying he just wants to take me somewhere to have time alone, to go somewhere nice, etc, etc…. He’s very sweet and romantic. I like it. It’s perfectly wonderful. No, I hate it. It’s too much. I don’t freakin’ know what I feel. What’s wrong with me?? I always know what I feel….always! But nope, I just really don’t know. I’m kind of all over the place with this. It’s a definite yes! NO, wait…it’s certainly no… Uh oh hold on, it’s a great big absolutely positive maybe!

Hold up: Nahhh….it’s an absolutely not…..errr…umm…absolutely not gonna pass this one up?! Hell, I can’t pinpoint this to save my life! If I were a color about this guy, I’d be split down the middle: half black and half white with a section of Definitely Grey striping down my center. If I were a vegetable about this guy, I’d be half a snow pea and half corn on the cob. If I were a fruit about this, I’d certainly be half a peach and half a watermelon. Make sense now? Exactly…!

Guy and I have gone out more than a few times now. He’s asked me to reserve New Year’s Eve for him. He’s said all the right things and a few wrong ones too. He’s a bit assertive for my time and attention, but still continues to say, I don’t want you to feel pressured Kay. He’ll call every day, but often say, I hope you don’t feel like I have to talk to you every day Kay; I don’t wanna scare you off

Sometimes I get the feeling he’s trying a little too hard but then he catches himself when he senses that deer in the headlights feeling I’m sure I randomly give off when he’s saying sappy, sweet nothings in my ear that I love hearing, but I hate hearing them. And buffering them with saying, I don’t want to come off too sappy, buttttttttt…blah blah SAPPY, SAPPY blah blah blah……

And mostly I like him. And sometimes – just now and then though – he gets on my nerves a bit. And then suddenly he doesn’t get on my nerves at all, but I really like him again. And then just as quickly, I’ll feel smothered and want some freakin’ space (seriously pal, BACK OFF!); then, I’ll feel like being close and open with him. My oldest daughter met him finally. He was so nervous for her approval, it was adorable: no, adorably annoying… And she said she “really liked him”. Awesome!

Now I just have to decide if I really do… or not!

The Alice syndrome and other idiosyncracies

Yeah, I'm this awesome!Feel a teensy bit guilty that although I still receive five or more emails a day, I just don’t have any interest in any one of them!  Do I think I’m the cat’s a@@?  The bee’s knees?  The most precious,   fabulous, and unique flower in the garden?  The nutritional and so luscious carrot on a stick?  No….Well yeah, I kinda am the platypus’ shiny and fun bill…but that’s not even really it…

I’m fully aware that I’m far, far, far from perfection.  In fact, I’m so flawed; I’m a walking, living, breathing example of Wabi Sabi in action.  I know that in order for anyone to truly cherish me, he has to embrace the epitome of my quirkiness, adore my ability to continue working on my “issues”;

This qualifies as wabi sabi RIGHT?

put up with hard, random  hits of Mother Nature; value that I’m always a mother first; appreciate my poetic, lost-soul social butterfly and simultaneously philosophical-loner nature;  enjoy my occasional sexually deviant curiosity; lovingly kiss the scars I bear from being a horrendously horrifying driver;  strongly desire to make-out passionately with my sporadic anxieties; crave having mad passionate sex with my exasperating phobia of commitment and abhorrence of categorization; and hold sweaty hands with the needy child in me. Gosh, isn’t that all just charming?  And to think, I’m sure we all have wondered just why such an utterly delightful creature of perfection as I am is divorced and single?

just hold it and hush!

ummm..am i tall or is it just me?

Add to the mix here, that it’s just that I feel tall.  I know I’m not really that tall…no, actually I’m probably about only slightly above average height by today’s standards, but I feel tall.  I always have had this affliction.  Maybe it stems way back from the awkward pre-teen era when I was already 5’7” and every other child in my entire school, male OR female, was maybe 5’2”… or less.  I hated it!  I towered over everyone, including my own family:  my mother, my older sister, almost eye-to-eye with my dad even (I’ve never been exactly sure whom or what family I really belong to)!  I felt tall….I truly was tall…

…and I still feel so tall.  I can’t know if the majority of single male online daters out there are under 5’8”, but what I’m realizing it either that’s the case or I’m a magnet to the shorter daters.  Out of the 15 incoming emails I read yesterday, only two were over 5’9.  Okay, so we have two…  Of those two, neither do I find at all physically appealing.  So now I not only feel tall, but I feel distinctly discriminating, judgmental, and superficial as well.  And those are not characteristics I would ever pride myself in.  In fact, I’d typically deny they exist anywhere in me…and even feel confident in that denial…until I browse my incoming dating-interest emails and I’m like ….too short…too short..wayy too short…ummm just no….and too short..too short..ummm…another no just because.

I’m flattered that any of these people even bother to respond to me, please don’t misunderstand, but this is becoming the repetitive theme going on here every time I check my dating emails…and quite frankly, it makes me feel bad, tall, guilty, tall, a plethora of other traits  I don’t respect or admire, and tall

Wanna be friends?

One would think that since I’m not really in the market for a husband or even steady boyfriend, that these things wouldn’t matter much.  Obviously in potential friends, they don’t.  However, ultimately, I can’t pretend that on a dating site many (any?) of these potential suitors are just so taken by my fabulous friend qualities that they feel totally compelled to befriend me. OMG…she is awesome!  I gotta be her new BFF!!!

…umm….I WISH, but even I’M not so optimistic as to entertain such silly Polly-Anna notions or I might get away with claiming I still believe in Santa and the Easter bunny as well.  Thus, I’d feel every bit  as guilty going out for dinner and drinks or coffee with them as I do ignoring their emails or sending a thanks, but no thanks response (which I confess, I’m doing less and less of these days), knowing I have a friends-only intention.   Ahhh the dilemmas!

I could exercise my inner bitch that lives under a pile of guilt, do a more interesting play-by-play of my most recent responses and   get a good giggle or two from that, but I actually feel too guilty.  I suppose that as long as there are a few (or any?!) responses interesting enough to at least communicate with, it somehow makes me feel like less of a raging superficial bitch to poke fun at the others.  However, that’s just not the case….but if I quiet down my overactive guilty conscience any time soon, I plan on still writing and laughing about these comical emails…geesh… What??  Everyone needs a giggle-chortle-snortle every now and then!  Right?

Onto the other not so prospective prospects updates and otherwise:

Word Man has informed me via FB email that he deleted his dating profile and is very much looking forward to our Scrabble re-match.  Oooooohh I do LOVE Scrabble….  WAIT! WHAT?!  What’s UP with these guys anyway?  I’m starting to get a complex here…   That’s two meet-n-deletes that I know of.

M…ahhhh Mr. M….  I have a confession to make with that too.  Yes, I do like M.  And without a doubt, even like him the best by far of all my dates and prospects even…  but that is a truly relative and honest disclosure in this particular situation.  I think I raise his likeability “status” because it’s merely an “in comparison” attraction (mayyyybe slightly higher-but that’s admittedly minimal) there.  Yes, I am interested in seeing him, do think he’s a fun date and good guy, but there’s really just not all that much there for me.  Not as much as I’d like to convince myself there is…  Crushing is so fun!! I like him well enough to date him and even enough to have sex with him sometimes – now and then, but I must tell you, it’s a just barely-above-mediocre-feeling at best.  It’s far too little to be a blow-out relationship, way too mediocre to even qualify into a mad, passionate sheerly sexual affair…and sadly,  probably just enough to be too much for the friends-thing.  Ugh!

Argh..the dating dilemmas and doldrums…

Off to my world...

No more email reading for me for a bit…  I think I’ll just go swim naked, re-do my toenail, polish, take two Excedrin, and overdose on some rainbows, butterflies and unicorns!