Oh the shame… I am a POS for sure! What the FUCK is the matter with me? I freakin’ define the essence of a hypocrite! Everything I believe in and hold dear as a moral conscientious way of life, I just defy as though it’s merely a challenge to see how far I can go to disgust myself.
Yuk. I am yuk.
Twin is so terrific! So kind to me. So what I clearly don’t deserve.
I finally, after a great deal of asking, conceded to hang out with a guy I’m friends with, whom I did have sex with a few times long ago. I really wanted to be friends with this guy, as we always have fun together…
Wait, maybe that’s just fun sex? There was a point in time after I first met this guy that I thought perhaps I might actually be into him. Into him as in like him, want something with him, etc., etc…
But I really don’t think I do. I mean, I like some things “about” him. I like that he is motivated and driven for self-improvement. I like that he’s a dedicated father to his son. His looks are just a bit above okay; definitely not my kinda gorgeous, but appealing for sure.
I don’t like: he is pretentious, talks of money constantly ( umm…a HUGE no-no from where I come from; one does not speak of money – it’s “trashy”): as in who has it, who doesn’t, how much he hopes to make.. He’s a name-dropper (Oh GAWDDDD!).
He kept saying, we have to hang out, Kay, when are you free Kay?, what are you doing this weekend Kay? Want to meet up for happy hour Kay?
And I kept dodging it. Why? Because I know that I like having sex with him. I know that he really likes having sex with me. I know that I’m not so into sex with the Twin…and I get that this combination is simply a recipe for disaster under the circumstances. No, he’s not the ex by far, but well, yeah, he’s a definite runner-up.
After months of dodging, I finally deceived myself into hanging out with him and submerging myself in the denial of I can keep it non-physical. However, disinterested in Twin I am physically, I’m not “that” girl. I’m no cheater, scandalous vixen. I’ve no desire to hurt Twin. No desire to disrespect him or his kindness. No ability to tread on his heart like I’m incidentally squashing a bug under my shoe (which I ironically actually try to avoid in itself as well- literally).
No. I am scum after all. I cheated on Twin. I feel disgusted with myself. And gosh, NOW how can I attempt a healthy sexual relationship with Twin?? With all this guilt and shame of cheating?
Did I cheat? You know what sucks to me about relationships at this era in my life? How do you know? What are the boundaries of the unspoken? It’s not like back in the younger years where you ask, Will you be my girlfriend (i.e., meaning will you not date anyone else?). That doesn’t seem to be said outright. It’s more of an unspoken thing, I think?
Because the only semi-conversation about this I’ve had with Twin was when my girlfriend’s buddy was hard core hitting on me one night when I wasn’t with Twin and she says to Twin a few days later, I think you’ve got some competition. To which Twin replies, Kay’s a big girl. She can make her own choices.
I don’t know what that means! I like the non-possessive stance! I like the implied trust (oh geesh, did I just say TRUST?) factor of that response. I like the adult-like feeling of hey, yup, we are grown -ups now. No one can force another to be faithful. It’s always a choice. There is no sense in tantrum throwing insane jealousy behavior. We are not chained. It’s a choice we make to be together, to be faithful.
I really liked Twin’s response to this little gauntlet thrown by my friend. Perfect response actually!
So, does this mean I owe Twin a confession of my spontaneous (yes my denial is still in there!) tryst with Mr. Pretentious? What will Twin do? Will he just say, Choice made dear…see ya…? Will he just think, Hmm…so it’s all fair game now? YAY??!! Will he say, Wow! You’re just a nasty hateful tramp, huh? F*$# off Kay! And if so, might that be for the best?
I don’t know. I mean, I really don’t know! I can only imagine it certainly won’t feel good for Twin. I’m positive it’s not going to give him that warm, loving, trusting (EEK…there it is again!) feeling…
I’m sure anyone who reads my blog or has gotten to know me somewhat through my confessions here might be disgusted with me after this. I don’t blame you.
How dare I date? How dare I try to presume the stance of being a nice person just hoping to meet a nice guy to spend some quality time with? How dare I?!
In spite of the clear lack of morals I’ve demonstrated with this, I’m not one who holds guilt well. My shame will always tell on me. I mean, I really DO have a conscience which desires to harm nothing; to treat others as I hope to be treated, to always tread softly in regard to people’s feelings.
My head spins heavy among daggers of guilt, fear and not knowing the damage (or lack thereof?) done.
Ewwwwww….I’m yukky and disgraceful. Selfish and scandalous.
I’m really sorry.