Slim pickins’ around here

What I used to be...

So I had my token woe-is-me rant/whine yesterday.  I realize this becomes harder to me because I’m just hitting that place as a mother where I can’t fix everything that hurts my daughters.  It’s horrible!  So, as well as wishing (like she is/was too) that  I had friends in this life, I found myself listening and longing for those days when there wasn’t a tear she could shed which with a little silly chicken-noodle-dance around the kitchen in our pj’s  or some hugs and kisses couldn’t fix..and the tears would be gone and forgotten like they never even happened.  I was the MommaI could fix anything and everything.  Now, I’m becoming the “Mom”- the powerless to help much at all.  It’s a difficult transition for me and seriously, given my own lifelong issues with friendship, I did not need to go through that just to get in bed with my television tuned into whatever damned station those 4 fabulous soul-mate-chicks were on.  Not right then..geesh!  Anyway, other than the Momma to Mom thing, I’m over it already.   It is what it’s always been.  I can deal.  Hell, I’ve gone through far worse than that issue and come out just fine 😉

So, on to my recent dating emails. Umm…suffice to say WOW!  The pickins’ are a bit slim, yeah..but let me tell you, they are of the highest quality.  Allow me to share and elaborate:

So...I guess you want me to write you, huh?

I received this priceless, informative, and endearing email from a guy with a screen name that begs to be “dominated” (yeah…literally).  Hey, whatever…to each his own; it takes all kinds, right?   At least it demonstrates the flair for creativity that men who enjoy submission must innately have and I did not know that about them. So it’s great to learn new things!  It’s rather long, complicated, and rich in detail, so I’m just going to post it by straight-up copy and paste. 

“  write me back if you want to hang
out sometime write me back if you
want to hang out sometime write me
back if you want to hang out
sometime write me back if you want
to hang out sometime “

 What?  You ask if I’m not concerned about email copyrights or the privacy violation of posting verbatim such a personal email here might be? No, I’m not.  I think under the circumstances, I could just write him back and say, Listen b**ch, I’m posting this email on my blog and you’re just going to say thank you.  I’m certain he’d get immense pleasure from that and it’s clearly the sure-fire way to keep this one’s interest. 

Yeah, I’ll do that right after I share the next fabulous and unique email I received:

Dear (Kay),

I really enjoyed your Profile. 🙂 
It looks like we’re both completely
finished with all the nonsense and are
ready for something special and genuine.
Please reply and we can explore the
possibilities together:

*******************
Steve
(Here he includes every contact info the man might have .  Personal email address, messenger ID, and cell number)

Thank you and all the best.

 Well Wow-ZA!  It seems this guy really “gets me” and is obviously seeking something real and meaningful in the midst of a plethora of online dating b.s.  I’m sure it’s mere coincidence that he bears the name of “Steve”.  With such an insightful and beautiful reach-out to me as this, he could in no way share any commonalities with the Grope-y Groperton-Steve!  This one is a real gem…

However, I think it’s important to mention here that in no place or shape of imagination do I include anything of anything on my page pertaining to “nonsense” of any kind…dating or otherwise.  I mean, I don’t have a shred of anything like that on my page!  My page simply says something along the lines of, 

Hi, I’m Kay!  I’m new to online dating and new to this area, mostly hoping to meet new people and make friends.  If something more comes from that, then fantastic, but I’m perfectly okay if it doesn’t too. Simply meeting new people is a fantastic learning experience and loads of fun!! Life is short and wondrous…I don’t waste time dwelling on negatives.  I enjoy many activities…blah, blah, blah…and so on…

What I imagine Steve *really* represents

Okay…so here’s my Sherlock deduction from “Steve’s” email.  It’s a copy and paste that he sends to anyone and everyone he writes on the site!  This is an easy figure for a few reasons: 1. His email does not pertain to a single thing from my page.  In fact, it borders on the “opposite” of anything I actually say about myself, dating, or life in general! However (2.) I’ve noticed that a great deal of people on that site take up the majority of their page saying things like “sick of the b.s., tired of the games, do NOT respond to me IF  blah, blah, blah…”; i.e. pretty much listing every hurt or disappointment they’ve experienced in life since the age of two and how they DON’T want any more of that.

I happen to know this is a very common theme on there because I weed out possible interests by that alone…   because (and I reiterate a summation of my page here) I “don’t dwell in negativity or focus on what I don’t want in dating or people, but rather what I do like and what I enjoy about life and people…

Here's what I think Steve meant to say

I’d venture though, that this “stock” response sent in masses to attractive photos really grabs the interest of a great deal of women with minimum effort on Steve’s part.  Hell, I feel confident that he didn’t even read my page…  But, I give kudos to Steve for upping his positive responses/ ratio odds by merely limiting his time and effort and focusing on the really important part:  writing to mass volumes of attractive photos, while simultaneously throwing something “sensitive and personal” in them that a majority of jaded-dating women will probably think that he not only actually read their page, but mistakenly also probably think to themselves, “Awwwwww..,Steve really ‘gets it’”!  

More responses + less effort = better odds for insensitive-non-committed-lazy ass Steve!  That’s genius!!   GO STEVE-RACER…GO!

Awwww...did your wife interfere w/your online dating again?

I also made notice of another interesting facet of the online dating thing:  Three or four (yeah, THAT many!) guys who have written me in the past few days, have since deleted their profiles before I even had the chance to read the emails to me.  Wtf?!  I don’t know about you, but that screams, “Most likely MARRIED and got BUSTED” to me…or something along those lines.  How does that time frame even work?  He’s “single and looking..browsing profiles..emailing…lets chat, date, or email” whatever… and then within 48 hours of that, he’s either totally lost interest in dating at all or found someone he really likes…???  What?!  Nahhh…ummmmm…I don’t think so…

OMG…SCARY!!!!!

18 responses to “Slim pickins’ around here

  1. Some of the deleted profiles might be scams that got caught. I’ve gotten a few of those myself….

  2. hmm…I never thought of that! So, either way, they’re scammin’ some HOW…lovely 😉 I’m gonna start a scam too…scammin these ridiculous emails to post on my blog…n I might just change my screen name to “bit*ch just write me”…I already added two inches to my height in a bold, flat-out LIE..I’m not 5’10” ..hehe…may as well make this as fun as possible, right?
    Hehe..I’m kiddin…GEESH….well, not about the height thing, but the rest of it..yeah 😀

  3. I’ve read several blog posts recently about copy-and-paste messages on internet dating sites – I had no idea that so many people did this! Or maybe it’s not that many but they just manage to spam a lot of people. It’s sad that they don’t put more effort into connecting with the individual people they write to.

    • I didn’t know either Matt!! Seems you and I are behind the times in these things…huh?
      It is kinda sad to me..shows a total lack of interest and a lack of creativity as well IMO…borrrrrrrrrrrinnnnggggggggg!

  4. Not only do they use copy/paste messages, they get a form letter from some website and use it, usually comes off as too coy, and ends with something like “if you think you can handle me”… or along those lines. I forget the whole thing, but I got like 3 in one week once from 3 guys, I busted them all, and it was hilarious. All but one were good sports.
    So this is my new theme song for today at least…

  5. I dunno. I can kinda see both sides of the coin (which, by the way, is totally doable if you balance the edge of the coin on the bridge of your nose)….

    I think you have to look at it in terms of investment-to-payoff ratio. When I first started online dating, I used to read through every profile carefully and write these thoughtful messages that *clearly* demonstrated I read them. Unfortunately, I was getting maybe only 1 in 10 women responding.

    So, if I’m spending 10 minutes on each profile reading and message, and getting a 1-in-10 response rate, that means I’m spending 100 minutes for every reply I get. Totally not worth the time I’m spending on online dating.

    Nowadays, I skim each profile and start with a “canned greeting.” Then, I go in and add personalized flourishes. Doesn’t take quite as long, but it still shows that I did read the profiles.

    Honestly, my response rate is still about the same. But now, my investment-to-payoff ratio is much higher.

    See? It’s all about efficiency. 😉

    • Hey!!!??! I gave Steve kudos for that aspect!
      … I just wouldn’t ever bother writing him back..no one wants to feel like their page wasn’t even interesting enough to actually read..I mean geesh, if you don’t have “time” to read my page, you sure don’t have the “time” to date me…but that’s all good bc I won’t even answer..I mean seriously, is he going to take me out for some Spam Stir fry too?! I’m sure that’s convenient and “fast” 🙂
      …so really, although it DID waste about 5 seconds of MY time reading it…it still gave me a good giggle or two:-D

  6. OMG…I LOVE this song!!!!!! I’m gonna listen to it for the rest of the week and get it on my ipod too!!! In fact if Dennis is hangin out in my bushes anytime again this week (yeah Dennis, i know you’re there 😉 ), THIS is what he’s gonna hear coming from my house..loud and SASSY…LOVE it♥

    • In fact if Dennis is hangin out in my bushes anytime again this week….

      I try not to hang out in people’s bushes anymore. Bushes are sooooo 70s. I prefer to hang out in people’s neatly-trimmed hedges these days…. 😉

      • OMGOMGOMG…that was *Funnnnnnnnnyyyyy*!!! 😀 😀
        Well, and *certainly* if you’re hanging out in my “neatly-trimmed hedges”, you’ll be hearing that song LOUD N CLEAR..hehe 😉

  7. I used to really frown upon the winks, but realize that its a quick and easy way to let someone know that you are interested. And if you are interested back, then wink, and then an email exchange can begin.

    However, I much prefer sending or receiving an email with at least one question or comment about something in the profile to show I or he actually read it. The only emails I’ve responded to had something in it that the guy noted. Likewise, I do the same, but keep it short and sweet the first go-round.

    Like Dennis noted, online dating does take up a lot of time – with the reading/writing and laughing/crying/OMGing. The ROI isn’t that great – well, maybe on the OMGing.

    • Thank, you. Yes, return on investment….

      My mind totally blanked on the term.

    • Amy yes “ROI”…there…someone finally said it:) My marketing and business terminology are lacking fo’sho!
      I think winks are probably a good thing…and brief emails are fine too…but canned generic stuff..ughhh…especially when it *tries* to be I’m-the-guy-who-gets-it-sensitive but misses entirely n just proves dude didn’t bother to read a word I wrote! Scmuck!

  8. Hey! I am completely offended at the premise of this post. This is one hundred percent Steve-bashing. It is unnecessary.

    It would be like saying that every “Ed” has back hair like a gorilla (Ed Asner.)

    That every guy nicknamed “PeeWee” either masturbates in movie theaters (PeeWee Herman) or is just generally creepy (PeeWee from “Porky’s” or PeeWee Herman.”)

    Alright. Alright. All guys maned “PeeWee” ARE creepy, but that still doesn’t mean that all “Steves” are douchey.

  9. Ohhhh gosh Steve! i’m so sorry about my insensitivity! What a truly *odd* coincidence the outpouring of “Steve” issues in my life and adventures that have suddenly erupted…weird, huh? I apologize for my crude insensitivity to the delicate Steve-Race and will try to change all douchebag “Steve’s” I happen upon in the future to something more PC, like PeeWee-DB. You’ve made me realize that I only know a bunch of “douchey Steves” ..isn’t that crazy? In fact, in reflecting on that, I could probably write a post on the various Steves I’ve known…maybe I’ll do that 😉
    Anyway, I’m sure a slew of bad apple Steves don’t ruin the good ones though!! xo

  10. Hi Kay,
    As for the disappearing act of profiles and possible married or not-yet-single but searching people out there…I hate to be Debbie Downer but I found out through my own devious methods that most people have multiple profiles across different sites including ones like Adult Friend Finder and alt.com. I called some of them out on it because they used some of the same pics and screen or usernames. That was a sad and disappointing discovery. Good news, they are consistently lazy with contact on all the sites. Kudos to consistency?!?! 🙂

  11. No Debbie Downer, my friend..these wren’t men I dated..just something I noticed recently and thought “Hmmm…” Never even emailed with them so no harm done. Just food for thought 🙂
    However, I didn’t really understand what you wrote here.so I looked up those sights to see what you were referring to…and OMG! I never even thought about anything like *that*…I’m clearly too naive to be dating like this…geesh..umm…yukkk!!

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