M is for Mystifying

Just can’t figure the whole M thing out!  As everyone who reads here knows, I like him.  I really like him. 

Umm…I think…?

I DO…  It’s just strange though.  After leaving Sunday to go to Arizona to see his daughter, M is now in Toronto on business until Friday and he texts me yesterday to ask if I want to do something Friday.  He really wants to see me.  I happen to have this Friday (and this whole weekend too) free…so Yay!  Right?  …….Right?

 Okay, it’s not like I’ve anything better to do.  And I like M.  So..what’s the sitch?  I ponder…and reflect…

My first thought after his request was to say no merely because he almost blew off our last date planned in advance.  Almost is key though, I mean he didn’t really blow it off. Can I not just let one infraction go?  The guy has never been at all disrespectful or “flaky” prior to that and he did disclose that he was having some struggles at the time.  I’m a compassionate soul damn it; I can accept and move on from that one little thing.  Who the hell am I to expect perfection?  In consideration of the amount of dates I’ve cancelled:  made up excuses to cancel, cancelled at the 11th hour or later, or didn’t bother cancelling at all… WTF?  I can’t be that girlthat unforgiving, hanging on one silly tiny infraction, holding it “against” him forever while continuing to see him!?  And yet, my hesitation has admittedly gone from zero to an inordinate 70-80% from that one inconsiderate error.  I wasn’t excited with this request for friday; I was downright reluctant.  Not cool… and not a good sign either…

So puzzling...

Thoughts:

  1. When M and I are not actually together (which of course is plenty and I’m perfectly fine with that), I just have a feeling of ambivalence toward him, bordering on apathetic even.  WTF?  I like him…so WHY does this happen??  And to further confuse things, this goes away completely when I AM in his presence.  When I’m actually with him, I happen to like him a lot.  I feel comfortable, relaxed, interested, attracted…  We laugh (always critical for me); we discuss anything and everything.  It feels so open and honest…and even somewhat natural.  It’s perfect for where I am right now.  Totally perfect.  Yet, almost the moment I’m not with him anymore, I just feel very little…a distinct take-it-or-leave-it feeling.  Like, if we hang out again, great…if we don’t that’s just great too.  Then, as one day turns into two and two turns into three, etc…this either way feeling starts leaning toward the just don’t care at all, so why should I even  bother(?) feeling.  What IS that?  I don’t feel that way at all when I’m with him.  Not at ALL!
  2. In fact, when I’m with him, my affection for him grows proportionately on all levels, exactly as it should in the beginning stages of dating someone.  So why the disproportionate and accelerated dive down when we are apart?  Gosh, in fact, that just made me realize that my feelings about him must not be growing in an average rate when we’re together because they have to jump the huge divide that was created while we were apart and then grow even more from there in order to grow or increase at all.  Therefore, they must be expanding rather quickly (more quickly than is typical for me) or they couldn’t possibly be growing at all. 

Does this even make any sense?  I mean literally?  Somehow I don’t think it does…not literally OR figuratively.

 I have to say, this has never happened to me before.  I either like someone or I don’t.  Sure, some people I might have merely a mild interest in and that’s usually pretty easy because nothing in regard to my feelings has ever grown much from “mild”.  It typically just withers down to very little or none at all.  Never – and I mean never – have my feelings for and about someone transferered so sporadically and disproportionately from barely there..to really there…back further down to hardly there, then on to really,  REALLY there…back down to not so much there at all, back up to…etc, etc…  This is peculiar and bizarre …and confusing… and just puzzling. 

 So, I start thinking maybe I just don’t want to see M at all anymore and let any feelings that are there or could ever be there simply fade to black and disappear altogether, as that’s clearly what would happen if I stopped seeing him altogether.  There’s no absence makes the heart grow fonder going on here.  And I have never liked anyone when that didn’t happen at least to some degree (obviously some cases more than others…but it has always at least existed on some level for any and every person I’ve liked in my entire life).

 I’m chronically hovering here between just letting it go altogether…thinking, gosh, this could never amount to much unless I was looking for a real relationship where our time together increases regularly.  No, I like the amount of time M and I spend.  I don’t think I want that to increase; I’m content with the current amount of time spent!  So, with resect to this strange “thing”, then it’s not going anywhere at all, right?  And that’s perfectly okay, right?

Yet….the temptation that I know actually seeing him always increases my affection and interest in him is…it’s…well, it’s just soooooo tempting because I enjoy that feeling…  so obviously I think of that little intiguing twist in the midst of my “apathetic periods” too.

"Temptation" image via Dario Infini @ fineartamerica.com

Because……… that’s it!  That’s exactly it!!  I feel tempted to see him again and God knows I fully enjoy temptation.  But I don’t ever feel actually excited to see him again once I’ve been away from him for more than a day or so.  It’s as though the temptation to experience this odd phenomenon itself is overwhelming and keeps me agreeing to it…almost unable to deny it (thus, the title “temptation”)…but the excitement to actually see him, be with him, etc, is strangely just not there…until the very moment I am actually with him… 

This would make perfect sense to me if this were a mad passionate sex thing; if the sex itself was just so freakin’ fantastic that I couldn’t resist one more time… And the sex is fun…  I mean, it’s alright.  It doesn’t knock my socks off or really make me crave more, but it IS fun and interesting and certainly  satisfying enough to enjoy…

 …But I’m starting to think the actual oddity of the whole M-phenomenon itself is more what keeps me even in it at all.

 WTF?  What IS this??

Second “update”:   After WordMan’s email about being excited to see me again and that he had deleted his dating profile, I responded.  I wrote  I’m looking forward to another Scrabble game too and I questioned his choice to delete his profile.  I wanted to ask M why he deleted his too, but since he didn’t out-right tell me he did, I don’t feel comfortable asking him.  Word man made a point to tell me and my curiosity took over.  Why did you do that WM? 

Umm…I don’t think I scored any points with WM from this, as now he’s not even bothered to write me back and respond!  Oops?? Now, what’d I do?   Geesh…men!?

10 responses to “M is for Mystifying

  1. I know exactly how you are feeling. When I’m with Chef I’m really really into him. For me, though, at first I want to see him on the off times and miss him. Then something happens. A text comes that makes me wonder what he’s thinking or he doesn’t ask me to hang out (or doesn’t hang out when I ask him to), or I just lose interest, and suddenly, out of nowhere, I am just done. I think, “gosh, I didn’t like him that much anyway.” I want to write him off. I suddenly want to delete him from my phone (not exactly, but close). I’m just over it. But then I see him, and I can’t get enough of him. I think for me, my innate reaction of not wanting to see him again has more to do with how unready I am to actually like someone than about him. Maybe it’s my brain rebelling against what I’m actually feeling? I don’t know – perhaps this comment will confuse you more, but thought I’d share in case it made sense to you haha :0)

    • Gosh Cat..THANKS!!! This actually *does* make some sense and sorta makes me feel better (less confused?) just that someone else experiences something similar!! Unfortunately, although I like M, I really never get the “can’t get enough of him” feeling..and I kinda *wish* I did..but I’m also grateful I don’t at the very same time. I know for certain that I’m not ready to “like-LIKE” anyone. Not ready, don’t wanna, just not a good idea, etc, etc…so what you wrote about your brain rebelling against your feelings really could be the situation w/me here?! I don’t really ever question his texts..he’s actually pretty open & straight in them that he likes me and he texts or calls regularly – almost every day…but I just don’t EVER get that “excited” feeling to see him or when he texts…I *only* like him when I’m actually w/him..otherwise I just don’t seem to care much at all… it’s so very unlike me to stay interested (at all) in a guy under those circumstances…
      I’m so glad you commented about this..it really does help make me feel less weird and flaky….hehe 🙂

  2. I think the best advice that I can give you is: Never choose what makes you unhappy or what you are not content with. In the end, it is you and only you that you have to live with, no one else. You shouldn’t sacrifice who you are, or feel second best to anyone. You deserve the best, so don’t settle for less!

    If he is jerking around, or even if you feel like he isn’t texting you for some reason or another and it’s starting to drive you nuts, cut that shit loose. You have everything else in life to make you crazy, the last thing you need is some flake contributing to the mental garbage floating around.

    • Thanks Goldie! I don’t feel “2nd” at all w/him…and I really like that I don’t. He texts very regularly and I know me: if he texted much more than he does, I’d be annoyed and feel guilty that my feelings might not be as strong as his (ughh…hate that!) That’s why this is so strange..he’s almost boringly(is that a word? lol) “constant”, but my thoughts/feelings about him are all OVER the place..from one extreme to the other…except when I’m w/him..and I’m perfectly content right *then* …but I don’t even have a desire to see MORE of him either. A few times a week is great w/me or I’d be getting annoyed….my heart is admittedly way too distracted to give anyone my attention more than once or twice a week. I really think I’m just a flake and probably shouldn’t be dating at all. I may not be equipped for the casual middle-of-the-road stuff(ironically exactly what I wanted 4 right now)…it just goes against my grain…but I can’t commit to a real relationship right now either…and what’s left after those 2 options? Nothing…except not dating @all…and that would be boring too..hehe…yup..I’m a certified flake 😉

  3. Maybe… deep down inside, you’re very attracted to him, and he’s someone you could really start to like. However, you’re also uncertain if he feels the same way. So, subconsciously, something is holding you back.

    I’ve noticed I can be the same way with certain girls. I go out with them, and I have a great time, and I come with this euphoric feeling. But then, if I don’t talk to her for a day or two, and especially if I feel like I’m getting blown off… well, I’ve trained myself to just “click it off” and be done with it. But then, she calls, and she wants to see me, and I say yes, of course. And I see her, and… *click* I’m right back.

    Who knows, though? If love were easy to figure out, none of us would have anything to blog about….

    • Hmmm.. Dennis you make a good point..maybe the whole problem is I DO like him more than I want to or am ready for and so, I am trying to turn that off? If so, I’m doing a great job at it because my feelings there seem to almost vaporize…but they feel great when I AM w/him and even for a very short time after… I’ve always been a very sure-of-my-feelings kinda girl, so that feels really awkward for me to go from contentment to ambivalence…but then I’ve *always* been in (heavy) relationships and the concept of “just dating” is something I’m trying to learn, so just finding that balance in myself is challenging for me..ugh…
      You’re right..where would the intrigue be at all if we fully understood all this weirdness…? Or if every experience were the same?! That wouldn’t be any fun at all!

  4. Orrrr, maybe its not YOU, but HIM? As in, maybe he doesn’t want you enough, isn’t wooing, romancing, trying, hard enough to give you those feelings in-between the dates? When I think about the many many guys I’ve dated, the ones that I couldn’t wait to see, were the ones that couldn’t wait to see me either, who pursued me, wooed me, and made me feel special. The ones, much like Brown, that I enjoyed being with when I was with them, and they made me feel special enough when we were together, but when we parted I was cold again, rarely did much outside of our time together to make me feel special. Sure they kept in contact, but they didn’t DO anything that would make me excited to see them again.

    I think on some level we know as well as them when it’s LOVE, and when it’s just something you enjoy but isn’t really headed anywhere. So when it’s not love, you don’t put the effort into that person when you aren’t with them. I’m not saying that button couldn’t be clicked on for him at any given moment where he changes his behavior thus peaking your interest in a new way, but it may not. There is nothing wrong with liking someone though, but not enough to fall in love, it just is what it is, and if you are comfortable with it, I say just go with it, and when it ends, it ends. In the mean time, it’s ok to also look for someone who does arouse those stronger emotions in you. Does all that make sense?

  5. Orrrr, maybe its not YOU, but HIM?

    I’ve always wanted to have the balls (or be asshole enough) to use that as a breakup line:

    “Listen, hon. It’s not me. It’s YOU.”

  6. V… yes, it does! I’m pretty used to being w/guys who seem to try super hard to “woo” me, whether I want them to or not and this might feel so weird bc he’s not really going crazy w/that woo-ing business, I’m not really used to “just dating” yet, and added together it just makes the felings I *do* have dwindle…
    Another strange thing I mentioned once before to you is the odd sense I get sometimes that he might still be married or something??!!??. I HATE that I even think that; he doesn’t deserve that mistrust and other than a “sense”, I’ve NO reason to think this is the case. That’s never happened to me before either so it’s not like I should be “paranoid” or suspicious of such a level of deception. It could be that he just hasn’t been divorced very long and so maybe he still kinda feels “married” or maybe still feels really torn about his divorce?
    It IS just a really weird feeling though that never goes completely away….and it’s uncomfortable for me.
    So maybe you’re right and we both have mediocre feelings, but do just like each other a lot and that’s all there is…? …I’m pretty passionate usually, so that could be exactly it – that it’s uncomfortable for ME to just sorta like someone AND to just be sorta liked in return too!
    That really could be it!!! Thanks woman 🙂

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