I DO… It’s just strange though. After leaving Sunday to go to Arizona to see his daughter, M is now in Toronto on business until Friday and he texts me yesterday to ask if I want to do something Friday. He really wants to see me. I happen to have this Friday (and this whole weekend too) free…so Yay! Right? …….Right?
Okay, it’s not like I’ve anything better to do. And I like M. So..what’s the sitch? I ponder…and reflect…
My first thought after his request was to say no merely because he almost blew off our last date planned in advance. Almost is key though, I mean he didn’t really blow it off. Can I not just let one infraction go? The guy has never been at all disrespectful or “flaky” prior to that and he did disclose that he was having some struggles at the time. I’m a compassionate soul damn it; I can accept and move on from that one little thing. Who the hell am I to expect perfection? In consideration of the amount of dates I’ve cancelled: made up excuses to cancel, cancelled at the 11th hour or later, or didn’t bother cancelling at all… WTF? I can’t be that girl…that unforgiving, hanging on one silly tiny infraction, holding it “against” him forever while continuing to see him!? And yet, my hesitation has admittedly gone from zero to an inordinate 70-80% from that one inconsiderate error. I wasn’t excited with this request for friday; I was downright reluctant. Not cool… and not a good sign either…
- When M and I are not actually together (which of course is plenty and I’m perfectly fine with that), I just have a feeling of ambivalence toward him, bordering on apathetic even. WTF? I like him…so WHY does this happen?? And to further confuse things, this goes away completely when I AM in his presence. When I’m actually with him, I happen to like him a lot. I feel comfortable, relaxed, interested, attracted… We laugh (always critical for me); we discuss anything and everything. It feels so open and honest…and even somewhat natural. It’s perfect for where I am right now. Totally perfect. Yet, almost the moment I’m not with him anymore, I just feel very little…a distinct take-it-or-leave-it feeling. Like, if we hang out again, great…if we don’t that’s just great too. Then, as one day turns into two and two turns into three, etc…this either way feeling starts leaning toward the just don’t care at all, so why should I even bother(?) feeling. What IS that? I don’t feel that way at all when I’m with him. Not at ALL!
- In fact, when I’m with him, my affection for him grows proportionately on all levels, exactly as it should in the beginning stages of dating someone. So why the disproportionate and accelerated dive down when we are apart? Gosh, in fact, that just made me realize that my feelings about him must not be growing in an average rate when we’re together because they have to jump the huge divide that was created while we were apart and then grow even more from there in order to grow or increase at all. Therefore, they must be expanding rather quickly (more quickly than is typical for me) or they couldn’t possibly be growing at all.
Does this even make any sense? I mean literally? Somehow I don’t think it does…not literally OR figuratively.
I have to say, this has never happened to me before. I either like someone or I don’t. Sure, some people I might have merely a mild interest in and that’s usually pretty easy because nothing in regard to my feelings has ever grown much from “mild”. It typically just withers down to very little or none at all. Never – and I mean never – have my feelings for and about someone transferered so sporadically and disproportionately from barely there..to really there…back further down to hardly there, then on to really, REALLY there…back down to not so much there at all, back up to…etc, etc… This is peculiar and bizarre …and confusing… and just puzzling.
So, I start thinking maybe I just don’t want to see M at all anymore and let any feelings that are there or could ever be there simply fade to black and disappear altogether, as that’s clearly what would happen if I stopped seeing him altogether. There’s no absence makes the heart grow fonder going on here. And I have never liked anyone when that didn’t happen at least to some degree (obviously some cases more than others…but it has always at least existed on some level for any and every person I’ve liked in my entire life).
I’m chronically hovering here between just letting it go altogether…thinking, gosh, this could never amount to much unless I was looking for a real relationship where our time together increases regularly. No, I like the amount of time M and I spend. I don’t think I want that to increase; I’m content with the current amount of time spent! So, with resect to this strange “thing”, then it’s not going anywhere at all, right? And that’s perfectly okay, right?
Yet….the temptation that I know actually seeing him always increases my affection and interest in him is…it’s…well, it’s just soooooo tempting because I enjoy that feeling… so obviously I think of that little intiguing twist in the midst of my “apathetic periods” too.
Because……… that’s it! That’s exactly it!! I feel tempted to see him again and God knows I fully enjoy temptation. But I don’t ever feel actually excited to see him again once I’ve been away from him for more than a day or so. It’s as though the temptation to experience this odd phenomenon itself is overwhelming and keeps me agreeing to it…almost unable to deny it (thus, the title “temptation”)…but the excitement to actually see him, be with him, etc, is strangely just not there…until the very moment I am actually with him…
This would make perfect sense to me if this were a mad passionate sex thing; if the sex itself was just so freakin’ fantastic that I couldn’t resist one more time… And the sex is fun… I mean, it’s alright. It doesn’t knock my socks off or really make me crave more, but it IS fun and interesting and certainly satisfying enough to enjoy…
…But I’m starting to think the actual oddity of the whole M-phenomenon itself is more what keeps me even in it at all.
WTF? What IS this??
Second “update”: After WordMan’s email about being excited to see me again and that he had deleted his dating profile, I responded. I wrote I’m looking forward to another Scrabble game too and I questioned his choice to delete his profile. I wanted to ask M why he deleted his too, but since he didn’t out-right tell me he did, I don’t feel comfortable asking him. Word man made a point to tell me and my curiosity took over. Why did you do that WM?
Umm…I don’t think I scored any points with WM from this, as now he’s not even bothered to write me back and respond! Oops?? Now, what’d I do? Geesh…men!?