While usually my favorite part of blogging is that I can throw the F-bomb out when ever I want to… while simultaneously maintaining my lady-like good breeding. I must declare that today my favorite part of blogging is my (nearly) absolute anonymity. I’m quite grateful today that I’ve not shared the existence of this blog with anyone in my daily life…
Yesterday, M and I had a variable version of “the talk”. I’m all a-tizzy; succinctly ambivalent and confused in my head about this. My thoughts, feelings, and position on our talk remain decidedly unclear, as I jump back-n-forth over the fence like a wild-eyed billy-goat on hallucinogens.
Throughout the day, we texted about random mundane topics. I was enjoying this little bit of extra attention from M when he mentioned something that not only caught me off guard totally, but hit me in the taboo-ish area as well. I’ve lived a fairly sheltered life in many ways. Because of that, I am slightly challenged with certain topics which really just aren’t (or at least shouldn’t be) a big deal. So, when M shoots this text about manscaping, I’m embarrassed to the point that I’m certain my face turned various shades of hot reddish-pink immediately upon reading it.
M: since ur the only person seeing that part right now do u prefer shaved?
Ummm……. The fact that I’m a grown woman, who’s been married, has two children, and has been sexually active for awhile now makes my embarrassment itself embarrassing. I’m beyond embarrassed….I feel awwwwwkwarrrrrdddd.
WTF? Am I a 13 year old girl all over again? This is ridiculous! There’s nothing wrong with this conversation. It’s merely considerate and open… I’m an adult, right? I like considerate and open. I should not be blushing like an teenager in reproductive health class, sitting next to the boy she has a crush on! C’MON….this is just silly! However, to compound my embarrassment, I am a grown woman who really does not know her answer to this. Truly, my manscaping preferences fluctuate depending on the person, the activity, the moment, the day of the week, the moon cycle, etc, etc, etc. I really just do not know the answer to this question. And that’s absurd, so I try to take the safe-but-honest route in my slow response:
Me: I’m ok w/whatev actually…I’m free spirited n pretty laid back overall so whatev makes u feel sexiest is gr8 by me! Thx 4 askin tho…super nice 2know I’m the only one seeing that right now :):)
I mean gosh, it is nice to be considered in these matters and certainly I’m appreciating that I’m the only one at this time who’s seeing the private manscaping! I’m also delighted that this was broached via text too so my pre-pubescent awkwardness, embarrassment, and indecision were not at all apparent. I mean I CAN text and stutter still…. Don’t even doubt that…but I didn’t… I answered this one appropriately and as honestly as I’m able given my random and fluctuating stance on the issue! Yayyy me!! However, I’m still in the process of recovering from this awkward-to-me topic when M hurls this little wrench at me:
M: just to let u know I have a rule I don’t sleep with 2 at the same time. And if u do or I do we can just be honest n tell each other
Okay…of course….I mean…
What? WHAT?? WHY does this feel uncomfortable for me as well? Hell, I’m not good or experienced at even dating two guys within the same time frame, much less being sexually active with two! And I certainly would have been honest with M if that had happened anyway or even if I had just wanted such a thing to happen. This doesn’t change anything really, right? This is my unspoken creed for myself anyway. Openly saying it hasn’t switched what it is up at all! Well okay, maybe I wouldn’t have actually told M…I really don’t know….but if I had chosen to have sex with someone else, I’d either have told him or simply ceased having sex with him at all… The odds of me being comfortable having or even wanting to have sex with another while I’m engaging in this kind of thing with him are astronomical at best. It’s never happened before and I simply can’t imagine it would start now. I respond:
Me: ok. Thx 4tellin me…I don’t either so that’s good…n I would tell u if I did…
It’s good to put this “out there” openly and honestly, right? It’s distinctly different than my last “talk” of this nature, where my ex boyfriend and I confessed our undying love for one another and that even the mere thought of either of us having sex with another person or dating anyone else was just unthinkably horrifying and repulsive. We didn’t discuss manscaping or anything, but then I think that would have been totally unnecessary in that particular situation, as the two of us could hardly cease our sexual activity long enough to have even that brief undying love and commitment talk. In fact, we were still sweaty and naked on his living room floor when we did… we were clearly all good, settled, and most content with the landscaping issues already.
So, this is definitely different, but in a good way… It safely covers the same respectful concept and is merely a responsible and mature agreement that I would have adhered to in my own method even without it ever being openly discussed. So why did I feel like a deer-in-headlights, with my immediate trigger-response being to drop my phone and flee the scene the moment I read the text? Again, it’s not like this wasn’t going to be my natural stance on this anyway! Why did it twist my insides around like a dog playing ferociously with a rag doll?
…Maybe for once in my life, I just wanted to refrain from making any promises of any kind, regardless of whether I was going to hold to such things anyway? Like, so yeah, I admit the odds of me breaking this agreement (even were it NOT spoken) are slim-to-none…but maybe…just mayyybeeee I might have wanted to at some point this time, without having had to break an actual commitment by doing so. The more I think about it, the more I think if I had chosen to break this “unspoken” before it was spoken, I probably would have simply ceased all sexual activity with M as a result…and felt rather free and clear in doing so too. But, this changes nothing in theory. I have all the same freedoms as I had before, right? I am still totally free to have sex with anyone I choose. This does not inhibit my actual choices. It just commits me to sharing my choice openly and honestly with M. So……WHY does it now feel different?
And why… As I was driving over to M’s last night, why did thoughts race through my head of having another “talk” with M? A talk in which I explain to him that I’ve reflected and re-thought this whole thing; that I’m just not interested in commitments or promises or agreements right now even if I would have kept to them anyway; and that I really think it best we just don’t see each other anymore. Big hug. Kiss on the cheek. And ta-ta, my friend… Yeah, I really did have this conversation out loud, alone in my car, on the way over there last night. Had the whole thing planned out…
And then I got there… and we just talked and laughed about general stuff. I said nothing about my car-conversation-thoughts. I had one delicious glass of my favorite yummy wine, snuggled with him on the sofa, and left two hours later – sans any sexual activity… he didn’t push that either and thankfully, he knew before I arrived that I wouldn’t be able to stay for long, so there were no issues or challenges. We just had fun as usual. I was glad and relieved because somehow to have had sex with him last night or even just to have spent the night there with him, after the manscaping talk, would have somehow felt like it really sealed the deal.
…and that might not be so good right now because I just do not know how I feel about the deal… It’s as deeply confusing to me as my manscaping preferences!