Ugh…the confused mind of a novice dater


Last night was the movie with M night… I was so excited to see the movie and spend a little time with M. I actually thought considerably about my outfit, dressed nicely, fixed my hair, and put on make-up! I rarely think too much about these things, but I was really looking forward to the evening.

I had left my car at Caesar’s Palace Wednesday night because a friend from home was in town working there for the night as the crew for John Mellencamp. I did have a date scheduled (that’s another post though), but canceled that to hang out with my friend! I texted my date around ten that morning to let him know, but he didn’t bother responding… guess he wasn’t happy I canceled? Too bad for him. This is my first friend who’s been in town since I moved here and even if he’s only in town for 24 hours and is working for most of that, I’m not going to miss the chance to see him! We’ve been great friends for 15 years…I’m NOT missing the chance to spend even a little time with him! I partied and hung out with him, had a great time, drank far more than I typically do…oops…and did not drive myself home. So last night, I had to get ready early for my date with M and asked the ex to drive me to my car when he came to pick up the children. Bless his heart; he agreed to take me to it.

This was around 5 and I hadn’t heard from M yet which was unusual, but I wasn’t worried. We get to my car and I still haven’t heard a word from M! I’m beginning to feel a little strange because he typically contacts me earlier on to verify our plans and the time. This is date #4, so he’s definitely doing it differently this time and I’m just not sure what that’s about. Finally, I decide to text him and ask if we’re still on for the movies. Meanwhile, I agree to go to dinner with the ex and the kids. About an hour later, I finally receive a response text from M saying he’s tired, he “should have let me know earlier that he’s not up to the movies”.

Hmm… I’m not happy about this. I’m not “mad” per se, but definitely not happy. It feels inconsiderate. I just can’t help but wonder how we go from Monday’s out of the blue “Miss you” to Thursday’s “oops I forgot to let you know earlier that I’m not up to hanging out”? Not to mention, what are the odds that I actually took some time to get ready for this night and he barely bothers to even cancel? Seriously, that’s just truly coincidental… I look stunning and I’m only going to grace my ex and the kids with this? WTF?! I didn’t bother to respond until I got home a few hours later with my car. I don’t really know what to say to him. I’m mildly hung over from the previous night’s festivities, so actually, it’s not terrible in my world that he canceled, but I am annoyed that I had to initiate contact and he took his sweet time to even let me know. No, it’s not his fault that due to my partying, I’d had to get ready early enough to grab my car, but it does just irritate me that I did take this extra time and he didn’t make the effort to kinda clue me in on his own. I mean, did this just occur to him as he received my text and then it took an hour to decide for sure after that even? Hmm…

Yup..just a bit...

When I get home, I just respond “ok” and he then says, I’m just down lately. No other plans. Sorry again. Night. I’m not sure how to respond to this? I feel a little badly that I was so annoyed though. Geesh, I’ve had some rough days lately too and I’m not always as considerate or perhaps as “punctual” (not that I’m often punctual anyway!) in the midst of those kind of moments either. I text him back telling him I’m sorry he’s having a rough time, I hope things get better, and I was a little disappointed because I had been looking forward to seeing him, but that I understood. No response…but that’s okay. It’s not like we have a foundation yet to discuss every personal strife we experience. Hopefully things are okay with M and he was just having a rough day.

I appreciate his overall consideration of me by implying to me fairly specifically that it wasn’t another date/girl or anything like that. Kudos to him for that, but I have to admit; the moles did start popping up anyway… It’s just so freakin’ hard to date! He’s never been anything less to me than totally respectful and considerate, dependable and kind…

So, I started wondering/worrying about my FB status post Wednesday night …something about heading off to meet my friend at Caesar’s. Did M see it and get the wrong impression? He doesn’t hang out on FB much, so I’ve never worried about that. It’s not like we’ve had the “exclusive talk”. Hell, it’s not like my friend who was in town is (or would ever be) a “date” or potential romance; we are strictly friends. And hell, I can’t even know if any of that has anything to do with anything. I don’t know the depth (or lack thereof?) of M’s feelings or thoughts regarding me. Would he care even if he DID think I had a date? Would that matter? Now that I’ve had sex with him, would it instigate thoughts in his mind perhaps of me being trampy? Does that matter either? Or was it merely as he said, he’s just having a bit of a tough time lately? I hate this spot! I don’t want to push these topics by asking about them because I don’t really know how I even feel about them myself. So, I sure as hell don’t bring them up and don’t want to. However, I like to think I’m a considerate soul… And if this was the issue and/or causing some confusion or hesitation on M’s behalf, I’d like the chance to explain that it was a friend in town, not a romantic date planned…and would certainly be more considerate and cautious with my FB status postings. And if it’s just as he’s said and nothing more, then I don’t want to start throwing “explanations” his way either.  There’s such a fine line between basic consideration of another person’s feelings and inappropriate presumption in this dating stuff…ughh

Dating sucks!  The boundaries are all a big murky grey area. Even the level of respect and consideration to offer up or maintain is rather unclear…and the line between dating and “more” is just impossible to decipher. None of this would be rolling in my head though if I had kept the sex thing out of it.

Why does sex have to feel like it changes the already confusing and indeterminable rules of the whole dating thing? Does it really? Should it?  I am far from a professional or even experienced dater. I just don’t know these things. Ugh…

20 responses to “Ugh…the confused mind of a novice dater

  1. Ugh, sorry. I know you like him. So, I’ll be blunt:

    He’s just not that into you. 😦

    • You may be right Dennis… I do like him, so I could merely be in denial and as usual, totally clueless n naive about date-speak… go from Monday’s totally unsolicited “wanna see a movie Thurs.?” and totally unexpected “miss you” text straight to Thursday’s “not that into you” with nothing in the middle seems rather extreme? I also find it curious that he even bothered w/ offering an explanation at all(much less a rather “personal” like one at that). He’s not much of an overzealous talker via text… and given that I didn’t ask or even complain/whine about him cancelling…? It could be as simple as he’s not that into me….for sure it’s odd and the inconsideration doesn’t make sense. I dunno…when *I’m* having a tough time w/personal things, I often do the same thing(don’t feel like going out or seeing anyone), I just don’t typically tell someone it’s *because* I’m having a rough time. Hmmm…but you’re certainly far more the expert on dating AND guy talk than I so you’re probably just right on here…

      • Okay, I’m plugging my own blog here, but M sounds like he’s doing what my old buddy Steven was doing:

        As I see it, you have to judge him by his actions, instead of trying to second-guess what he says. If he really liked you, I believe that, even were he to be having a rough day, he’d explain it to you in a timely manner, instead of just blowing you off the way he did.

        By not contacting you, then finally responding after an hour, it seems like he’s just trying to alleviate his own guilt about ignoring you.

        But that’s just my perspective.

  2. Oh NO! He is BROWN!!!!! are you kidding me? This has to be the code of the online male dater or something, seriously, it has to be. Is there a website out there they all go to and solemnly swear to do this to every girl they meet? It’s not like having sex on the 3rd or 4th or 5th date is THAT soon that they should think we are slutty! I hope he knocks this shit off fast, I hate that he’s doing the typical guy thing. He’s way too old to behaving like the 25 yr. olds I like to date, lol. At least I usually have that as an excuse for their behavior, if I wasn’t a cougar, I’d just have to accept all men suck.

    My favorite part of this blog is “Bless his heart; he agreed to take me to it.” <——–I about died…. you are such a southerner at heart. No doubt about it. "Bless his heart" = "peiceofshitmotherfuckerihateyourgutsdiediediescum" but if you aren't southern, you don't know that.

    • “peiceofshitmotherfuckerihateyourgutsdiediediescum” hahahahah…thx 4 the laugh girl…that was funny!!!
      I’m not sure this is about the sex-thing..but of course it could always be… If it is, then I’m not bothered at all because I wanted to have sex with him, so if that means he thinks poorly of my morals, then so be it..that would be his error and “issue”..not mine. I dunno what the game is here… I don’t know why I really think something’s up, but I do.. Deleting his profile..cancelling our date..those are things I would probably do if I got down in the dumps too..or I could just be an idiot….who knows? Ughh

  3. I TOTALLY know how you feel – dating DOES suck sometimes, with all the mixed messages, (which are especially hard to read over text! Ditching a date by text should be outlawed! Easy way out) etc. Keep your chin up, I hope (and bet it will) get better for you!! We’re in this together 😉

    • Thanks Jolene..yeah…with all the crazy games or whatever it all is…maybe dating in general should just be outlawed..geesh… it ALL seems kinda stupid really and the majority of it just sucks!

  4. Oooooookay, I finally figured out what the problem is. Upon rereading the first sentence of this post:

    “Last night was the movie with M night… ”

    You’re dating M. Night Shyamalan? No wonder he didn’t want to go see the movie with you. The guy’s a douchetool, and all his own recent movies have sucked.


  5. ahhh..hahahah 🙂

  6. I don’t think that he’s not into you. He’s just being what I’m coming to believe is the typical, cowardly, immature man who freaks out because you had x# of dates (regardless of whether you slept together or not) and thinks that you are so in love with him. So the guy retreats because he doesn’t know how to deal with intimacy and/or is afraid of it. And instead of just saying “hey, this is how I feel” (whatever that may be), he pulls a turtle move and hides in his shell. All these men, all of them, need to grow a pair and just deal with us. As in your previous post, we are not psychos who want to eat you alive. We just want the truth and honesty. That’s not asking for a lot from a fellow human being.

    • Umm… sorry, Amy. But, in guy speak, that’s otherwise known as “he’s just not that into you.”

      The “I think this is getting too serious too fast” line is the easiest excuse to make, and the easiest way to put the onus on *her*. How do I know? Because I used to be one of those douchebags who needs to grow a pair.

      If I *really* like her and actually want to be with her… believe me, I’m not gonna get scared because she actually seems to be into me.

    • Thanks Amy….I’m glad I’m not the only optimist here who doesn’t want to assume the absolute worst!!

  7. This is the second post I’ve read this hour where Dennis has already posted better advice than I would have managed! I agree that M’s actions sound like red flags. Of course, I hope it turns out that we’re wrong and he bounces back to where he was a few days ago!

    • Thanks again, Matt. I have to admit, a lot of these behaviors that the women are describing kinda remind me of the crap I used to pull when I was younger. That’s why I’m so opinionated and absolute with my assessments. 🙂

      I guess this is my way of atoning for all the women I screwed over in the past….

    • Matt..thank you!!! I hope he does too.. after all, we DO all have rough times and who wants to bring that into the dating thing?? I don’t..I’d cancel (and probably late in my wishy-washy-maybe-I should-still-just-go-anyway-way too) too..but who knows here….only M knows for sure I suppose….ughhh…:-/

  8. Bless you Dennis for your honesty (and I mean that literally….and not in the “southern way”!) 🙂

  9. I hear you Dennis, but it all falls under the” just tell the truth” mantra that we are trying to live by. Sure it sucks to hear that someone may not be as into us as we are them, but tell them. Don’t just start blowing the person off. Most of us replying to this post, and the people we are referring to, are not naive teenagers or young 20-somethings. We’ve been around the block. We’ve seen it all happen. If you don’t want things to progress in a quick fashion, then tell us so. Don’t just start cancelling plans last minute, take your time responding to questions about said plans, etc. Act like an adult. Take responsibility (in the form of open communication) and tell us what is going on.

    • Oh, I’m totally with you on the “just tell the truth” mantra. I think the problem is, we’re preaching to the choir here. All of us bloggers are obviously introspective people. We think about what others say, and we (hopefully) think about the effect that what *we* say has on others.

      Unfortunately, the people who most likely need to hear what we have to say are also the people who would never read a dating/relationship blog.

      So, we can say that we need to live truthfully. And that’s great. But there are always gonna be people out there who don’t. So, instead of saying what we *should* do, I think we also have to prepare ourselves for when someone invariably does what they *shouldn’t* do to us….

      And that’s my sad cynicism’s twenty cents.

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