Wow..umm…M really surprised me last night..caught me off guard…rattled my cage….
I am smack-dab in the middle of a ton of suppressed dating worries…successfully keeping them just outta reach… Those traditionally ridiculous thoughts and concerns that as a female, seem to be far too prominent and actually don’t mean anything at all, aside from excessive, ridiculous worries. It starts with that strange feeling I get about M…those wonderings which have no real purpose or validity…those things which just annoy me that I’m even thinking about them, much less allowing any kind of worry to settle in… It’s an absurd thought process and I’m annoyed with myself about them, so I refuse to allow them to get above the surface. I play that Whack-A-Mole (Clobber- A-Hedgehog? Pound-the-Groundhog? ) carnival game with these. The very moment they creep up even just a bit, I BASH them mercilessly over the head, knocking them back down into the “Ridiculous Thoughts I’m Not Even Going To Acknowledge” hole of oblivion…and I skip along my merry way onto the My Frog’s Gonna Kick Your Frog’s Ass (na-na-na-na-boo-boo)Water Races!
A few of these moles I’ve bashed since my lovely evening with M just this Friday past are:
Why doesn’t he ask me on another date before the last one is over? Why have I never gone out with him on a Saturday night (Saturday night has always been considered “date night” in my little part of the world)? What in THE hell was he doing last Saturday night anyway? Why am I thinking of these questions? Why would they even matter? Do I really care about the answers? Or (and gawwwdd forbid!) do I just have to worry about something…all the time?
(I beg of you to bear with me through this, my ex husband has made my life a living hell recently and quite honestly, I’d rather think/worry about ANY thing except the nagging-like-a- dog-at-my-ankles sneaking suspicion that moving my family across the effin’ country was perhaps, NOT the right choice!? UGH…boohoo…fear!…panic!…etc, etc. etc…)
So Saturday, I go on the dating site to look at M’s profile and see where I must have missed the “married and seeking” status, the former “serial killer” checkbox, or the “three-four-five-some’s are my favorite activity ever!” proclamation. …or maybe it was just to peek through his photos again and get in tune with my inner psychic knowing? …hell, I don’t know..whatever…I was on there to (double and triple) check him out, right? And LO and BEHOLD:
His profile has been deleted!
Yeah, that’s right. DEEEEEEEEEE—LEEEEETEDDDDDDDD!
WTF? Seriously? Umm…what does that even mean? Why did I come here to check this? I don’t want this information right now. I don’t want to think of these possibilities…umm…I can’t even imagine the possibilities…
Did his wife over in Paris/Russia/Indonesia discover his dating profile? Did he meet his 5-girl harem quota? Am I considered #5? Did he have a date tonight (it IS Saturday after all!) who qualified in every category he could hope for? Did he find the perfect S&M dominatrix to kick his ass?
What. The. Fuck.?? (yeah, I just typed the f-word out loud there…that’s what I LOVE about blogging best so far…didn’t you know…I can say the f-word without ever even having that word come out of my mouth!! Yayyyy blogging!)
Hmm….no word from M Saturday or Sunday. I’m okay with that. I like my personal space…yeah, even on Saturday night. Yesterday around 5 PM I get this text from M:
M: Hi <Kay> if ur free Thursday maybe we can see a movie
Me(a few hours later): That sounds great! What do u want 2c?
M:I’m open. Whatever you want.
Me: Ur awesome. I really wanna see Inception or The Other Guys… u can choose from those 2 if u want…
I don’t respond to this. It’s already been decided at this point, right? It’s perfect! Embarrassing disclaimer insert: Not to mention, I’m dealing with ex-husband CRAP I haven’t had to deal with in 10 freakin’ years! Know something I’ve prided my self on for years now? NO ex-husband drama…NONE. So between you and me, I’m bawling here actually…and that’s mixed up with just a bit of swearing under my breath in the shower to calm my sobbing- pissed- off-, frustrated-to-tears self down. FYI: I’ll deny this to my death though, should you ever try to accuse me to my face. Understood? Good.
M(a few hours later: thankfully after my “moment” and my soothing trying-to-get-back-to-my-happy-place-shower): ok?
M: What ru up to?
Me: Just dealing w/stupid drama n kinda wishin I could just get drunk or run far away instead…oops is that tmi? What ru doing? Wanna sneak off n drink something stupid w/me later?(ohhh gawwwdd…did I really text that? REALLY?)
M: I’m in bed. What drama?
Me(back peddling/recovering/etc/etc): I’m kiddin. The x is just actin stupid. No big really. Just haven’t seen or dealt w/this n 10 years n I’m just outta practice. Its all good. How was ur day?
M: tired. Wish u were n bed w/me. Night.
Me: me too. That would be so nice…but hoorayyyy 4 Thursday……night 🙂
M: Yes. Miss you.
WHAT? Re-check, re-read, rub eyes…….cough…cough…ponder my response in a mild state of panic…a nice panic w/ a bit of “awwww the little butterflies”….but also with some “WTF do I say to THAT?” panic too.
Me: 🙂 🙂 🙂 (Ummm…was this response too obvious that I’m at a total loss here?)
Then, after a few minutes of thinking, gasping for air, and mind racing all over the damned place at the speed of light and frantic disorientation…
Me (2nd recovery in one text-servation): miss u2. Sweet dreams.
Looking forward to Thursday…. All discombobulated…. And I just might make a voodoo doll out of whole wheat penne pasta of my ex-husband.
And then OVER boil it…I’m talking to mush here. Yeah…..it’s floppy McFlopster all. the. way. for you pal…..yeah… I may not be crazy enough to boil your rabbit, but I’ll sure as HELL boil your noodle!