I wanted him. Yeah, umm…. A lot. In kinda that strange way where it’s fun to be “there”, wanting something merely because it feels good to actually want for a minute…but then you don’t really want to hang out in that place of desire too very long…because… well because you want it. And as absolutely delicious as it feels to want something/someone…the temptation to have it starts to take over and it becomes a force of nature all its own, almost a tangible thing you can taste and feel, with its own personality and characteristics unto itself; as if that makes any sense to anyone on earth except me…hehe…
It’s a strange thing, really; he’s not much my “type”, is slightly older than I’m accustomed to, and then there’s this “other” thing… this indefinable strangeness that I…well I….umm..I don’t know…I can’t define it because it’s indefinable. Yeah, that’s it.
I’m not doing any of this experiment to find a husband or even settle down into a relationship. That takes the negative edge away from the whole experience and process and I’m enjoying that. It’s akin to a timeless visit to an extravagantly delicious buffet when I’m not ravenously hungry, but just a wee bit and thus, far more interested in exploring the food itself than the actual consumption of it. It’s just fun!
…and I‘m slowly realizing to my utter astonishment that my attraction to M is not only unquestionably potent, but baffling and peculiar as well. What is it?
He is bald by choice. I’ve never dated a bald guy before and quite frankly, have never met one I wanted to date, in spite of knowing a few handsome baldies in my time (I do have a little “thing” for the biker/Harley types…but have never acted upon that…it’s always been a mild attraction at most.)
Seems fairly successful. I haven’t really quizzed or questioned him much about his work, but I listen closely to the bits that come out naturally and get the distinct impression that he is quite possibly far more successful career-wise than one might think given his laid-back personality.
Not at all pretentious or extravagant. This is tied in with the success thing above. He lives in a very beautiful home in a terrific neighborhood with minimal, but truly tasteful, furnishings and accessories.
On the average to thin side. He is fit, but doesn’t appear to work too hard on being that way. I’m typically (certainly not always) attracted to huskier body types, bordering on over-weight even… Yeah, I know. That’s a little odd…I don’t know why this is…it just is.
Communicates well and is either a good listener or at least effectively pretends to be. We are never at a loss for conversation and openly discuss a variety of topics…which can get into the personal zone, but never “prying”. I enjoy hearing him talk and I appreciate that he listens and asks questions of me as well.
Manly, but not macho. I get a very strong, almost heady (a scrumptious sense like a subtle scent which you just want to breathe in deeply), feel of manliness about him…but zero degree of macho-man/me: Tarzan, you: Jane sexist or possessive crap.
Attentive: Feels like I have his absolute attention when I’m with him and his attentiveness when we text or talk on the phone, but I get zero sense of any kind of desperation or clinginess. He never overdoes it and does a fabulous job of effectively maintaining a delightful balance on this one. I almost (but not quite) crave more of his attention, but I like randomly having that feeling and think the amount of attention he gives is thus, perfect for me. Not too much to turn me off or scare me away, but not so little that I feel unappreciated or unwanted at all, neither when in his presence or away from him. He leaves me wanting more… yet very satisfied with what is already there.
Well mannered but oh so laid back: M has immaculate manners and demonstrates a slight degree of “chivalry” (offers his hand to help me up from sitting, touches me in affectionate, gentlemanly, respectful ways) yet clearly appreciates my strength and independence. It’s never over bearing. Never a sense of feeling I have to be boringly lady-like!
Honest and open, but still mysterious: I don’t get the sense that he’s hedging or avoiding or even mildly hiding anything about himself, his past, or his life in general and yet…. Dammit, the minute I leave him, I get all sorts of strange feelings about what the hell he might be doing in his personal time. NO…not in a jealous/WTF is he DOING way, but more like: I can distinctly sense something under the surface of this man…lurking around in the hidden recesses of his life or his personality. It’s totally absent when I’m actually with him; everything seems so very open, clear, honest, comfortable, etc; like I could ask anything and he’d gladly tell me… but….
I don’t know. Maybe this is just his strong silent type nature that leads me to this strange contradiction? I just can’t put my finger on this part. It’s an intriguing puzzle, but frustrating in its intangibility…like the “it’s on the tip of my tongue” thing. That’s such a cool experience in itself when it happens, but then you very much need to figure out what’s in there hiding…or it’s just frustrating… That may be a poor way to describe this, but truly, I’m without an explanation or an effective description.
It’s intriguing and fun to say the least…an entirely new and unique realm of experience within an experience.
I’ve never been “here” before… I wonder how it will go…