My FAVE yummy wine!

Okay…for all my healthy serenity-in-the-nude-solitude of the past day or so, I gotta say, it has run its course.   The excitement of flashing Jasper my shameless nudity no longer holds much entertainment value for me at the moment… This is a source of deep embarrassment for me; I’m a firm believer that only intellectually and/or creatively challenged people “get bored”. 

Thus, although I’m still home alone, I’ve donned a few articles of clothing (…ummm…yes…I can hear the collective GASP shivering through the universe at that shocking little tidbit of unorthodox deviance), poured a lovely, scrumptious and delightfully hefty glass of Seven Deadly Zins and I ponder the thoughts which have been running rampant through my mind today…

A fair representation of Octo-man

  1.  The gentleman in his 60’s (or early 70’s maybe???) whom I safely sat next to upon my first little visit to the neighborhood watering hole. ( I didn’t want to sit all alone and I really didn’t want to get hit on either…so ) Immediately after our polite introduction to one another, begins discussing with me how there are, in fact, people “our age” who come to this bar,  explains in graphic and unwanted detail the vast popularity of Jared the hot, young bartender, his “cougar following”, and all the many, many women who come here merely to see and flirt with said ”hot bartender”, Jared.

Ummm….W.T.F??  Firstly, I didn’t even know of Jared’s existence prior to this little jaunt.  And FYI pal, I resent being classified by you, a man clearly over 60,  as in “our age group”…I mean, yeah,  I realize my 20’s are getting fuzzy in the rear-view here, but  the man’s most likely somewhere in the vicinity of TWICE my freakin age!  Thus, you do not get to say to me such things as,  “people “our age”!  No. 

a true life-like depiction of Jared

I let this pass… but then when he jumped clear into the cougar talk…   I gotta tell you, I could hardly hear the man talking anymore.  Seriously… WHISKEY.  TANGO.  FOXTROT pal?!???  Have we come so far in this cougar-bit that a woman over the age of 30 can’t go into a bar by her house that happens to have a hot 20-something bartender, without being instantly and unjustly classified into the COUGAR category?!  And not only that, but implied by a pre-octogenarian at that??!!  Are you kiddin’ me?

WHISKEY. TANGO. FOXTROT!     I found this not only insulting at a high level, but terribly unjust and unwarranted as well.  Who the fuck do you think you ARE old man?  You’d better pump those squeaky old brakes of yours pal and simmer down.  Yeah, with your smooth verbal skills with the ladies, it’s not exactly clear to me why on earth you’re single?!? Ahhh..the mystery…

Meanwhile, I’ve got late 20-ish, early 30-ish drunken surfer dude who has camped out in the empty chair next to me, sliding his hand UP MY THIGH and leaning over to whisper, spitting  with his hot breath in my ear, “It’s so obvious how much you want me…  I’m like a tiger ya know; I can sense these attraction things from a mile away.”  OH MY GAWD….is this a bad movie?  Hidden camera prank?  WHAT is going on here?!

So while I was already busy pulling my insulted chin up off the floor from shock at Old Man’s Audacity-n-Confusion on my right, I had to take my soggy bar napkin and wipe the drunken-surfer-dude spittle off my left cheek.

you get the general idea here of drunk surfer dude

WHISKEY.  TANGO. FOXTROT.  Now I’m insulted AND disgusted.

To add insult to injury, it seemed Jared (yeah, HOT bartender is a very accurate description) was watching things and maybe feeling a little sorry for my plight…  So he asks me if I will do a shot with him.  Umm….with the utmost gratitude and pleasure, YES!, I will partake in an inappropriate amount of alcohol in a too short a period of time for my body to process, just to nurse my punctured ego-wounds and hopefully simultaneously cleanse myself of my OMG-so-unsanitary-spittle-on-my-face-disgust!  …Ummm…noooo Mr. Old Man,   I’m not quite ready to chuck myself across the bar at Jared in true Cougar-like fashion, but hell YEAH, I want a shot!  Red headed slut?  Lindsey Lohan?  Tequila?? I don’t care, I’ve money for a cab…just bring it!!!  And hurry!

…As Jared (the life and ego saving bartender/hero), the other 20-something bartender, and I are all raising our glasses to toast, I happened to glance briefly to my right…just in time to see Old Man Octogenarian giving me a knowing little wink, with a smug cat-that-swallowed-the-canary grin…  OMFG…


11 responses to “WHISKEY. TANGO. FOXTROT??!!?

  1. This was great! A similar thing happened to my absolutely stunning and young looking friend, who happens to be a month shy of 42 (but looks mid-30s). A man easily in his 60s felt that he had a better than average shot at picking her up. Now, when did it happen that the average 60+ year olds think that they are in the running to woo us youngish chickies?

  2. Good LORD this was THE *worst* insult I’ve ever experienced…and I’m no stranger to the insult…*and* I’m certain he wasn’t even intentionally insulting me!!! I realize I’m not in my 20’s…but how in the HELL did I get hurled from ANYwhere in my 30’s into “our age group” from a 60++ dude??!! No kidding… I wanted to cry!!!

  3. LMAO! I would have said “you got it buddy, I’m a cougar and I’m only here for the bartender!” I have no shame when it comes to jackass men like that. I also have no shame when it comes to hot bartenders. ;-P

  4. V: The no shame for Jared’s bit, well that’s…it’s…there’s…just no shame whatsoever in *that* girl… he just happened to be the very definition of an “OMG! Hot Bartender ”
    Jackass Old Man Octogenarian? Do you know that @ one point in his babbling, after I gathered up the smashed pieces of my ego, I said, “WOW…dear man, I don’t even know Jared although he does seem like a sweetie…and the “cougar” thing is rather obnoxiously presumptuous to throw on a lady you don’t even know.” He actually responded with some old-man-malarkey about how I “misunderstood him” because he was “paying me a COMPLIMENT” Seriously. WTF? No.
    I *still* find that part baffling…

  5. That is when you say “OUTTA MY WAY OLD MAN! I got some huntin for cubs to do!” and knock his ass off the stool and hope he breaks a hip! bahahaha, kidding. maybe. But I def. would have moved after saying that to him, especially between drunk fat gross surfer and old man… I’d be moving closer to hot bartender and away from them. GAG. I have about the same luck, should I tell the lesbian and crazy guy story on my blog for you? I think I will, it’s a good one, a good night out.

  6. YES!!! please do!!??!!

  7. Consider it done and posted. I left a lot out, it was a long night. But you’ll get the gist. Ugh… FML.

  8. I have my own Jared… my shark’s best friend… Tommy… So damn yummy he should have a chaperone. Gorgeous…

    WTF is it with the nasty brave old men? You never see nasty brave old women…

    Proof we have way more class than the penis holders.


  9. “More class than the penis holders” …I LOVE it! So true…except of course for Beulah, my 70-something neighbor back in the Midwest…now SHE was one who could even put the traditional penis idiocy to absolute shame with her scathing and rude remarks…and did…at every opportunity! Ugh… Bitter Bitchy Beulah…ugh:-/

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