Daily Archives: August 6, 2010

UN-freakin-believable!!!

This has several levels of unbelievable irony and coincidence and so I simply must write of it…

I have a guy “friend” whom is fondly referred to in my house as Hottie McHotstuff.  He’s a very sexually appealing 24 year old guy (boy?), with whom I had a night (umm…or two…?) of wild abandon this past winter.  He’s way too young for me and our connection was truly a matter of several simultaneously serendipitous events.  This is not a common theme or occurrence for me…  so this guy, this experience,  in itself is special in its own right.

how I feel around McH...

McHotstuff is friends with a girlfriend of mine.  We all were out dancing and drinking together one memorable evening awhile back.  I’m not going to pretend I hadn’t noticed him at all.  In fact, I couldn’t help but to notice him and in the beginning of the evening prior to drinking like fish and group-dancing like sexually charged beasts, we had a delightful conversation.  I enjoyed this, but immediately classified it off as just a nice conversation with an intelligent, sweet, and too-young guy.

So imagine my surprise a few hours later when our mutual friend pulls me aside and says, “J is sooooo in to you girl.”  What?  Are you kiddin’ me?  That hot young boy?  …Is way into late 30-ish, chronically-broken-hearted-ME?  Whoaa…   I laughed this off, took it as quite a compliment, and continued on as it was…having a great time with a fun group of friends.  She takes me aside again and says, Kay, I know sexual flings aren’t your thing, but I’m telling you, you really should try it with J.  I’ve never had sex with him, but another friend of mine did awhile back and she raved for months about how unbelievably effin’ fantastic he is.

Yeah, not usually my thing, but I’ll tell you, I’ve been suffering (literally) from a broken heart for years(yes, years) and with this blatant encouragement combined with my ongoing level of pain and suffering for so long, I opted to act on this. I won’t get into the crude details here, but suffice to say…ummm..yup….OMFG…was worth every bit of it!  And I’ve no regrets, then or now…  In fact, McH and I got together again on a less drunken evening merely because I wanted to experience this guy with a totally clear head!  This was very liberating to me sexually and emotionally…..I’m indebted to McH for reasons he’ll never even know!

McH and I did not become BFF’s or anything, but over the past 8 months or so, we have developed a great friendship…one that I really believe is a rare friendship with extreme sexual attraction thing.  Something I did not believe could exist prior to this.  I have genuinely fond and caring feelings for the guy, as well as a crazy sexual desire for him.  And he feels the same.  It’s truly a lovely phenomenon!

Coincidence:  After living his entire life in this small-Michigan town we lived in and me having lived there for 13 years, 3 days before I moved to Nevada, McH moved out west as well.  So he just happens to be my geographically closest “friend” from back home, although he is still 10-12 hours’ drive from me.   We text and talk fairly regularly.  He’s planning to visit Vegas at some point fairly soon.  Needless to say, I’m very much looking forward to that;-P

Here is the irony:  We have been having a text conversation over the past few days regarding my ex (a dear friend ever since our divorce 13 years ago) being a real jerk since the moment I arrived here. Excerpt as follows:

Me:  I soooo wish you were here right now! (this I texted to him the night after the near violation of my no-no square…yeah, I was super-duper scared and lonely)

Me (the next day…kind of embarrassed at how that late-night text probably came across): Sucks sometimes not really knowing any1 here…wish u were a lil closer at least…hope ur doing great tho…xoxo

McH: I wish I was too..ya’ll should’ve came to Denver it’s truly amazing

Me: I’m so glad u like it! Vegas is pretty great too..just wish I knew some1 here tho…but I’m meeting ppl just takes time I suppose…

Mc H:Doesn’t ur husband live out there or x husband?

Me: Yup he lives here..n we’ve been best friends since the divorce but now that he has the kids n me out here hes bein a major ass 2me…I shoulda known better!

McH(texted this morning):  Dude that sucks I wish I could help

Me:  No worries I’m dealing w/it..it’s just kinda sad n makes me xtra miss havin my friends around 2have fun w/…ur such a gem J… thank u tho:-):-)

McH: Well, you’re one of the greatest ppl I know.  I’m not gonna lie

Me(touched beyond reason here):   J..ur so lucky ur so far or id jump u right now just 4sayin that 2meJ  other than my ex n some pervs leering @me like they wanna eat me alive its been awhile since any1 said anything kind 2me…I just adore u..im so lucky ur my friend n ur only 10 hours away!!  :-)xoxo:-)

McH: yeah, I’m gonna come 2 Vegas once I get the cash. And u also r a great friend 2have.

AND *RIGHT HERE* IS WHEN THE UNBELIEVABLE HAPPENS:

McH: Do you have a camera phone?

OMFG!!!!    I have been intimate with McH, so this does not bother me at ALL in that way.  He’s not at all out of line and I’d share any picture I might ever have of myself with this gem of a guy…  But with consideration of my past few weeks ranting about “more cell pics” and my impending date tonight with “more-cell-pics-M”…. 

ARE YOU KIDDIN’ ME?? What the hell?  What are the odds of this crazy-ass timed request?  Is this a seemingly random and unexpected thing being thrown at me to put a brand new perspective on my current dilemma/debate regarding my upcoming date with M????

I guess this is irrefutable proof that *any* guy in the world does, in fact, just want more cell phone pics…maybe I’m being a little harsh on M?

“Just-because” sex?

Irresistable attraction...does happen...

Thinking of canceling the “swimming” date with “M”…just can’t shake that funky feeling…  yesterday, I thought, well the worst that can happen is maybe he’ll  “like how I look in a swimsuit” and want sex.  And that’s not typically my thing, but I really just don’t know at this point.  Then I realized that it really all depends on how much (if) I really like him “that way”.  If I genuinely like him, then even if I want to have sex with him, I’ll probably wait.  The quandary for me in that has several concepts.  1.  He can only hurt my feelings with the sex thing if I like like him. 2.  If I don’t and yet am attracted to him like that, I’m okay with just a sex thing.  3. Hell, in that case I’m perfectly okay with just using my body to obnoxiously flirt with him.  4. I’m not having sex with anyone else right now, so what difference would it make?

To be honest with myself, I’m not really sure exactly what I’m looking for anyway with this whole experiment, other than meeting new people.  I’m not in an emotional position to meet someone and fall in love.  That’s not really part of the mission or attraction with this, so that does add a degree of protection around my heart.  If I don’t have feelings for the guy, will it hurt to get used for my body?  Does that kind of thing hurt even if a person’s not interested in any kind of emotional thing anyway?  I really don’t know…

I know this woman is thinking about Matt Damon!

…and maybe (and I’m speaking theoretically here only)I just want to have sex.  There’s nothing wrong with that dammit.  If I like “M”, am having a good time with him tonight, and he just wants my body, and I want to share that with him, then no problem…  He’s not really my type to lust after really…  Not that I didn’t find him physically appealing…I did…  He’s just not “my” kinda lust object.  Sadly for me, my “lust object would have to either look like my ex-boyfriend (yummy) or perhaps look strikingly like Matt Damon, with the wit and intellectual appeal Matt holds  as well.  Because I really can’t decide if I’d find Matt Damon quite as appealing if he wasn’t so wickedly witty and freakin’ intelligent.  Ummm of course he’s adorable to look at, but I was cursed with the whole neuro-gasmic appeal for men.  While I can certainly look at a guy as some delicious eye-candy by appearance alone, I can’t possibly feel undeniably and irresistibly physically drawn to a man who doesn’t have those last two traits.  We’re talking the difference here between, Ummm, yeah, he’s hot and “OMFG, I MUST (throw-my-naked-body-at-his- mercy-pull-his-hair-and-BEG) have him.  Although my physical attraction “look” in a guy varies widely…these other two things are the Holy Grail for me… combine the three…and OMG…that’s where I become putty in a man’s hands.  Yeah, it’s to the point of embarrassingly appealing to me…

M is fairly attractive (read:  he’s “okay”), but I haven’t had enough time with him yet to determine the other two.  It’s clear he’s not stupid by any means, but beyond that, I’ve no real gauge of his intellectual capacity.  And as far as funny, I really don’t know.  I did find it truly odd that he talked to me of reading on women’s pages on the site the frequency which he saw the statement, “If a guy can make me laugh he can have whatever he wants” or something to that effect….  He expressed how strange he felt this was to me.  Honestly, I didn’t know if he thought it odd that women would say “have anything they want(about anything)” or thought the huge attraction to funny guys in general was odd.  Even as he was saying this, I had to stop and think if my page said anything like this because although it’s not safe to say this kind of guy can “have anything he wants” with me…umm…it IS safe to say, that kind of guy has legs (and feet and arms and torsos) up on the rest of the pool of potentials.  A moderately attractive man who can make me laugh becomes promoted to extremely attractive.  Even a relatively unattractive (to me) man often gets all the way to “attractive” in my eyes if he regularly makes me laugh.   It’s just one of those things that can’t be explained, but I have experienced it on several occasions and know it to be a simple fact. Perhaps laughter releases sexual-attraction hormones or something?

So what about this did M find so “odd”?  And is it odd to him because he lacks it and hasn’t experienced the woman who was mildly interested suddenly throwing herself at him after a few good belly-laughs?

Wow!!  I’m babbling out of direction this morning with this… (GAWD…see what just thinking about that kind of thing does to me…Geesh…??!!?) 

My burning inner question actually is the sex with M thing.  If I go swimming with him and feel a physical attraction, I might not be opposed to a let’s just fuck attitude.  And although he has expressed some interest in me, in my opinion, it’s been relatively mild and therefore, this would not be wrong or manipulative to do with him. 

However, if I feel truly attracted to him on several levels(which usually has to be the case in order for me to even want to “just fuck” with wild abandon), then having crazy-spontaneous-WTF-sex with him might leave me open to a vulnerability of getting hurt.   I firmly believe in taking chances in life like this and sometimes getting hurt is part of the experience, but right now, in my current situation being so far from friends, family, and all I’ve ever known, the last thing I need right now is even a mild heart break on top of the rest.   It’s a catch-22 of epic proportions and actually leaves me frightened to go on this “date” tonight.  I even woke at 3 AM this morning with the firm resolve to cancel the whole damned stupid thing rather than risk it.

Usually, that in itself, would be enough to make me just decide to stay home with a bottle of wine and a few good movies tonight.  And yet, I’m still definitely overwhelmingly curious as to how this whole thing might play out – on both his part and my own.  It feels like one of those children’s mystery books with several different possible endings:  If Sally picks A, then continue on to chapter 7.  If Sally picks B, then go to chapter 12…

In my current bored and lonely friendless state, with my freakin’ confounding overly-curious brain, can I resist this kind of mystery?  Should I?  Isn’t this what makes life, life?