Lingering questions and clinically swimming

The Lingerer had left me alone for the past few days.  I was feeling badly about not answering his last text, so I finally responded:

Me: Things have been crazy w/my ex..ughh…and ur last texts didn’t really make much sense I haven’t called or txtd lately…

L: What lasts texts(it has been over 5 days….)? Give me a thumbnail of that.  I worked 18 hours on Sat and my head hasn’t been n it since

L: Are u ok? Would a well placed bullet help resolve ur prob? :-)I’m kidding.  I thought you were avoiding me n I was giving u space. (Yes, I was and thank you)

L: Is this thing on? (C’MON???!!??  For the love of God!)

Me (an hour later…and very annoyed): (His name),  I am often doing 20 diff things at once..i rarely sit by my phone waiting around 2 txt..wish ud try 2 understand’s frustrating 2feel so much pressure 2jump on my txt b4 I do other things Im doing

L; That’s why I was giving u space (he’s still just not getting it).  I know u have other things that take precedent over dating.  Im not throwing a tantrum over this believe me (what does that even mean?)

Me:…but if I don’t respond n UR time u txt like its been answered when sometimes ive not even read the txt yet….n u keep saying u understand..but u don’t act like u really do

L:  Guess I’m takin a diff perspective. When I respond 2 txts that have been sent immediately.  Im under the impression that ur still by the phone waiting 4 a response.  Stupid of me 2 assume I guess. (yes it is…gosh…is he finally sorta getting it???)

Me: I just should’t feel that much pressure or stress just by txting w/u..its a bit hard 2deal w/teens dealing w/major changes, deal w/my ex, and my kids activities too while staying a slave 2my phone so I can bsure 2 txt u back n time 4 u not 2feel uncomfortable or neglected.

Me:  I try 2 txt back timely but sometimes I txt n then have 2go do something away frm my phn..n figure np..ill just txt back when I get back 2it.

L: well I hate texting anyway and I thought I mentioned that. But the little things I send after a txt like “is this thing on” are really for my own entertainment (hmmm..well at least someone’s getting entertained by these…)

Me: ok…but u jump 2 conclusions if I don’t answer immed..n last time I had 25 things going at once n I had told u that too

L: I’m not passive aggressive and generally if theres a problem I’m very direct n my approach. If someone says they have things 2take care of I give them the space they need or I offer 2 help. And I don’t think I’ve been nagging u.  well maybe a little but I’ve been waiting 4 ur cue

Me:  well I’m going 2bed now…g’night

L:  sleep well. Kisses…

–I just don’t understand this crap!  I almost want to just ignore him completely, but he’s such a nice person, and I was more attracted to him in person than I thought I would be. And because he’s so genuinely nice, I just feel terrible to blow him off completely.

He’s a small town Midwestern guy (like me).  We seem to have some similarities which are refreshing to me while I’m living here so far from home…  I just can’t quite put my finger on why he annoys me so much the other 50% of the time!! …and it does seem about 50/50 at this point:  50% annoying, 50% redeeming qualities.  He only got a return text because when I finally just ignored his last rambling (at 6:30 AM!!) text, he left me alone for a few days until he heard from me again.  That’s a good sign… He’s at least making some effort not to annoy the living bejeezus outta me!

Update on“M”:  Looks like Friday is swimming night.   He just texted asking if we want to meet out somewhere or at my pool or his.  I just said whatever is fine.   I’m actually just a bit nervous.  The pressure is on to look good in a swimsuit.  I’m not ashamed of my body really, but I’m also not typically a flaunter-type either…  I’m sure to many, my body is effin’ phenomenal and to others, it’s okay but maybe not their “ideal type”.  I lean toward the thin side and that’s certainly not everyone’s idea of perfection… and I’m okay with that.  Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder and particularly when it comes to a woman’s figure.  It just feels oddly strange knowing that this entire “date” came from him asking for a swimsuit pic…and not just him asking to hang out with me…  And why does that even matter??!?  Should it?

I just can’t decide…  but it almost now has a clinical feel to it because it feels as if there is a distinct purpose..not just a general, mutual desire to hang out.

I also can’t shake the questions.  He met me once and then asked for a swimsuit pic….  Does this guy have a big thing for the whole pic thing?  Does he have a long list of girls from the site (and anywhere else too)with whom he shares (and saves) their various pics?  Is he more into having a “thing” with a bunch of girls’ pics or into actually dating someone?  Is he too caught up in virtual-land that that’s become better to him than any reality he could create and share with a real live girl?  What does all of that mean in the dating world? 

For some reason.  a post I recently read about an online date comes to mind with these questions:  An online date leads to sex and immediately after sex, the guy is online checking the dating site.

… And why in the hell do I have to analyze everything?

18 responses to “Lingering questions and clinically swimming

  1. ooooh, the swimming thing reminds me too much of Brown and Mr. NY combined. Mr. NY always wanted naughty cell phone pics. While we were at the beach, I saw in his phone, he had hundreds of other women in there, naked, up close and personal, they sent them to him! I made him delete them in front of me one night, which I think is GREAT since we soon after broke up. 🙂 Brown, well, he wanted swim suit pics too, then kept wanting me to go swimming with him. And you know how that ended…. uh… ya, sex and him on okcupid 15 minutes later while I was STILL there with his phone. Jackass.

    The other guy, lol, he really likes you, but there is something weird goin on there. A certain level of desperation right?

  2. V: yes, it was ur post re: Brown that keeps coming to mind w/ this thing with “M”and I really just don’t know WHY…it was just one very passive request for a swimsuit pic… wasn’t like totally OUT OF LINE or anything…WHY does it bug me so much???
    and yes….i keep getting that sense of desperation from Mr. Lingerer, which, as we all know, is a major turn OFF…but there’s *something* else there too that I can’t quite put my finger on and it has been since the beginning w/him…it doesn’t feel “huge” or “horrible”…more like some tiny nagging thing, not even big enough to declare itself anything specfic…and yet definitely lingering there…. no pun intended…hehe…
    I’m just an over analytical freak…THAT’S probably the issue w/ ALL of this!! ughh:-/

  3. um, it kinda is outta line though, I mean, it’s not like you know him very well, maybe months down the road, if things got serious that kind of request might be appropriate. But so soon? It looks to me like he is more interested in your body than he should be at this point. I know men are very visual, and sexual, but it just seems too soon to me. And yes, reminds me of Brown, and you see where that led? Things I wish I had done different… after the first swimming date, I wish I had stayed out of his house, in full clothing for at least 3 more dates, just to test his level of lust vs. real attraction.

    Mr. L…. uh, ya, there is something there, something weird, creepy even. Maybe it’s inexperience with women in general? Which is also never good. Maybe it’s self protection, like what I was doing, the need to not get hurt? Idk, but if it bugs you, I’d say even 25% of the time, look for someone who doesn’t. It’s too soon to be this irritated with someone I think.

  4. Thanks lady…you’re *so* right! Great advice w/ “M”…I think I’ll be just swimming and then heading home…to be on the safe side of that one….but you’ve prompted me to ponder a few other things too…will hafta blog on those reflections later before bed:-)

    ..and re Mr. L….you’re so right on too! I think I’m only giving that a chance at all still merely bc I don’t know anyone here and he invites me to do things I really want to do…if only I could somehow shift that into a friendship, it might be terrific…but the way it is, it’s just not fair to him for me to even continue…50% is wayyyyyyyyy too much annoyance. I could never put up w/ that for long (or well) and he’s really interested in something serious…I can’t be so selfish and let him think there’s any hope for anything just bc I’m new in town…
    Thank you again so much for reading and offering your insight…it’s really helped w/ these two situations!!!
    You’re so fab…xoxo♥

  5. You called it yourself there, KP.

    Lingerer is obviously VERY interested in you, but you only want to be friends. So, if you keep texting him, you’re doing so for your own selfish reasons, not because you’re trying to be nice to him.

    A friendship is NEVER gonna work with this guy. It’s only either going to make you very uncomfortable or him very bitter.

    So, take it from a guy, if you really do want to be nice to him, be blunt and just cut him off completely. He’ll thank you in the long run.

    Okay, I’m off my soapbox now. So, umm… how about some more bikini pics? 😉

    • I Agree with Dennis, for the most part. I think you can offer friendship with the Lingerer, but making it clear that you don’t feel anything for him romantically. If he can handle that, and not be weird about it, he might make a good friend. But you will have to be firm about it. He may not accept it and not want to be friends, but at least you will have tried.

      • Okay, I’ll concede that a friendship *is* theoretically possible with the dude. And to do so would require KP to be super-clear. However, guys can also be eternally and overly optimistic. If this dude as much of a clingerer as he’s coming across, I just don’t see a friendship happening.

        More likely, I believe that he *will* accept the friendship offer, then insidiously keep trying to get together with her. Or, he’ll hang out, continuing to hope that she’ll “come around eventually.” Either way, it’s only going to end up making somebody uncomfortable… or bitter.

        In any case, based on KP’s descriptions of the guy (as well as the way he makes her feel), does this really sound like it could be a good friendship? Other than offering to take her places (which PLENTY of other guys can do… KP just needs time to meet them), what can he offer her? It sounds like his neuroticism is only going to add stress to her life, anyway.

  6. Dennis, you make a good point…and as we both know, *my* experience w/ befriending guys doesn’t usually end up w/much other than what you’ve described…I’m really regretting that drunken make-out session L and I had first date in my pool….BAD CHOICE. Now, I think it renders a real friendship pratically impossible…and being the proverbial “nice girl” I am, that type of situation *always* adds more stress….kinda like me trying to walk a tightwire …ughh….
    You’re right, I just have to be more patient till I make friends around here…again, ughhh….:-/

    • Glad you understand. 🙂 I know I’m being a pain-in-the-ass about this, but this topic is something that I, as a guy, feel strongly about.

      If the guy REALLY likes you (and it sounds like this dude really does), the friendship just isn’t worth pursuing. And it’s not like you were ever friends in the first place.

      Weren’t we discussing something like this over on my blog recently? 😉

  7. BTW, if you’re looking to make friends, why not go on other sites where you can do just that?

  8. Dennis…you are certainly *NOT* a pain in my ass with this!! I’m valuing your thoughts and opinions very much!! I’m in a strange and unknown place both literally and figuratively. Therefore, I know my thinking is not at its usual level of perception, but perhaps a bit skewed. I’m so very grateful to you for taking the time to read and offer your thoughts!!
    What type of “meet friends” site are you referring to? Links please?????

  9. I’ve heard that OKCupid has a “friends only” option….

    • Thanks Dennis! hmmm… do u really think it’s possible to find “friendship” on a dating site? u know, the kind that’s not trying to get in my pants? just curious…hehe;-P

      • I’d say it depends on the person. Not to brag here (well, okay, I’m totally bragging), but I’ve always prided myself on been good at maintaining friendships with my exes.

        For my part… yes, there have a been a few women I’ve met online, went out with a few times, felt no chemistry (or *she* felt no chemistry), but we still kept in touch and somehow ended up being… well, maybe not close friends, but certainly good acquaintances.

        Off the top of my head, I can count at least five women on my Facebook whom I consider friends, but whom I originally met through an online dating site.

        Then again, I’m kind of a networker, and I also think some of these women get a kick out of reading my blog, so maybe that’s why they want to be friends still…. 😉

  10. You are the *MAN*..screw stinky ol’ Prince Charming anyway…hehe…we’ve got Dalliant Dennis and he’s just way better:-)
    Please forgive me, I’m busy doing nothing but entertaining myself today;-p
    And for my next trick, I’m going to FB friend request you now…bc I’m such a FB enthusiast/tramp/junkie!!

  11. Dennis! That’s just one of the things I love most about you…you dare to live dangerously…don’tchya?

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